


Always Pinky Promises

by TheChosenPyro



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Fluff, F/M, Fluff, High School Student Castiel, High School Student Dean, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Panic Attacks, SPN - Freeform, Smut, Supernatural - Freeform, Teen Castiel, Teen Dean Winchester, cas has depression, cas has panic attacks, dean is a jock, dean plays football, destiel smut, high school!au, psychotic depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 21:35:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 49,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1833082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheChosenPyro/pseuds/TheChosenPyro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak were best friends. When Cas developed some mental issues, Dean pushed him away and terminated their friendship. After a year and a mental hospital, Cas texts Dean in the middle of a rough night and next thing he knows, Dean is walking through his front door. What's even going on anymore?<br/>((This fic has been discontinued. It only lasts a few chapters and isn't concluded, so please don't read it unless you are okay with being left wondering what happens x Ash))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1 in the Morning

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been discontinued. It only lasts a few chapters and isn't concluded, so please don't read it unless you are okay with being left wondering what happens x Ash

1:13 AM

_Are you up? CN_

 

_Yeah, Cas. What's up? DW_

 

_Is it customary for a human to be in physical pain when one is lonely? CN_

 

_Yeah, if you miss someone enough, then it really starts to hurt. DW_

 

_Why is that, Dean? I don't appreciate this. CN_

 

_Hey, it's alright. It just happens sometimes. I guess it's just... the side effect of caring about someone, man. DW_

_Do you miss someone or something? DW_

 

_The new pills the doctors gave me, I'm not sure they're working. My head hurts from this and I can't smile. CN_

_I'm not quite positive why I'm sad. I think I might miss someone, I don't know. CN_

 

_Cas? Do you need me to come over? DW_

 

_It's 1 in the morning, Dean, I don't think Mary would be too pleased with you leaving the house at this time. CN_

 

_I'll explain it to her later. DW_

_Do you want me to come? DW_

 

_You haven't been here in a year. What if you don't remember where it is? CN_

 

_I know it's been a while, but... I've wanted to come. I just haven't worked up the courage to. And I'm so sorry, Cas. But I know exactly where you are. DW_

 

_It's cold out. I don't want you to be cold. CN_

 

_I'll put on a jacket. The one you got me, remember? DW_

 

_You told me you threw that one away. CN_

 

_I lied. Of course I didn't. I wear it all the time now. DW_

 

_I've never seen you wear it at school. CN_

 

_Cas. Do you want me to come over? DW_

 

_Only if you want to. CN_

 

_I'll be there soon, alright? DW_

 

_Alright. CN_

_Be safe. CN_

 

_I'll... I'll try to explain myself when I get there. DW_

_I will, always am. DW_

 

_Promise me. CN_

 

_I promise, Cas. D_ _W_

 

_Text me when you get here. CN_

 

1:27 AM

_I'm outside. DW_

 

Castiel slowly crawled out of the bed he'd been lying in for the past two days, ditching school and not eating. Nothing like that mattered anymore. Hell, breathing didn't even matter to him, but sadly, it was a natural function of his body adn therefore continued. His bones creaked with the new strain he was putting on them by walking down the hallway and to his front door. True to his word, Dean was standing outside his door, shifting his feet and blowing on his cupped hands. He had bedhead that Castiel didn't want to think was cute but couldn't help himself. Cas opened the door and met Dean's green eyes for the trillionth time. They were the kind of eyes that could melt anyone's heart on the spot with a mixture of forestry and shiny emeralds. Castiel's hands shook from the nervousness coursing through his body from seeing Dean again after so long. "Hello, Dean," his gravely voice whispered.

Dean smiled a little. It was so hard seeing Cas like this, but it was Cas and he'd missed him so much over the past few weeks. And now he was there at a house he'd never thought he'd see again besides driving past it on occasion. "Hey, Cas," he smiled wider. He was wearing the jacket Cas got for him, adjusting it a little.

Castiel stepped away from the door to allowed Dean quiet passage into his house. They snuck back down the hallway, trying to remain silent enough to not wake Gabriel or Anna. Cas opened his bedroom door and ushered Dean inside, then shut it behind himself. He stumbled from lack of energy and Dean automatically caught his elbow and helped him to his bed. The hand on his elbow was cold and seeped the heat from Cas, but he had missed the touch of his friend. "Thank you, Dean," Castiel said as they sat down together.

"Anytime," Dean smiled, taking a good look at him. He appeared tired, more than the average high school kid, and his bone's stuck out too much beneath his too white skin. Cas looked sick. His normally bright blue eyes were a faded blue now and his hair was matted against his head. "Cas... I... I'm sorry."

Cas squinted his eyes and cocked his head in confusion. If the blond was sorry, why didn't he ever speak to him, even at school. "Why are you sorry, Dean? You made your choice?"

"I'm sorry because you're supposed to be my best friend and... I ran out on you," he couldn't look at Cas, eyes on his fumbling hands in his lap. "And I was supposed to be yours. It was such a cowardly thing to do because it was already so hard for you and all I had to do was be there... I wish I could take it back," he took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

Cas rolled the words over in his otherwise blank mind for a mometn before he spoke again. "Why _did_  you leave? Was I too much for you to handle?" Castiel asked without the malice that would normally accompany something that sounded accusatory. 

Dean nodded solemnly, trying to find it in himself to be honest with Cas. "I didn't know what to do, so I just left," he sighed, "but if you'll have me back I'll stay and I won't go anywhere." Dean finally worked up the courage to look at Cas and his big, blue, trusting eyes. "I looked some stuff up and Sam told me stuff and I'm ready now. I'm just sorry it took me so long to get my head out of my ass."

Castiel felt an emotion that he's learned to forget: hope. It burned like a candle in his chest and began to warm his limbs that had become permanently numb. "Are you sure?" he asked, afraid this was a delusion, that the voices were putting words into Dean's mouth and calling them his. He stared into Dean's eyes-- oh, how he'd missed them. Maybe the blond wasn't lying.

"Cas, I've never been more sure about anything else in my life," Dean said seriously. He reached out and took Cas' hand like he used to when he got upset or when it was an overly quiet moment in one of their rooms. Dean had forgotten how well their hands fit together. Cas' hand was smaller and bonier than his and he could easily wrap his fingers all the way around it.

"Pinky promise?" Cas asked and flipped his hand over in Dean's hand. He offered up his pinky to the blond haired boy.

Dean wrapped his pinky around Cas' and nodded, "Pinky promise."

Castiel felt a cool relief wash over him, cleansing him of the past year without his best friend. He intertwined their fingers and then tugged on Dean's sleeve with his free hand. "Why'd you tell me you threw this away?"

Dean shrugged, scooting a little closer to Cas. "Because I was being stupid. I still have every single thing you ever made or bought for me."

The dark haired boy tilted his head again. "Why? I thought you didn't want to remember me."

"I didn't at first, but just because... because it would hurt too much knowing that you were around and we weren't friends, but then... I started going through it and I realized I didn't want to, I didn't want to forget. I wanted to remember you and keep you close that way since I threw away the real thing," Dean said, unable to look at Cas again. He was so ashamed of himself, he couldn't stand looking at Cas who never got mad at him and had only ever accepted him even when her couldn't accept himself.

Inwardly, Cas sighed. Dean wasn't looking at him again and that bothered him. Was Castiel too damaged for Dean to lay eyes on, or was it a different reason entirely? Then, through the haze of pills and sleep deprivation, he realized Dean was  _ashamed_. "Did you ever cuddle any of my clothes I always forgot to take back when I slept over?" he suddenly asked, full of curiosity. Dean always managed to leave a t-shirt behind when he'd spend the night at Cas' house and Castiel always wanted to know if Dean had done the same thing he had. It wasn't the best worded question to ever leave his mouth, but it'd have to do for that situation.

Dean couldn't help but smile as he looked back up at Cas and nodded. "Especially these last few months, I put one of your shirts on my pillow as a cover," he grinned foolishly. "It smells like me now, but it still reminds me of you." He'd missed how blunt and honest Cas was, he needed this back in life so bad.

His response caught Castiel off guard. He blinked. Dean very rarely showed anything he would consider vulerability, even to Cas. It made Castiel smirk, pleased that Dean was trying to be better with him. "You're the first human I've touched in weeks," Castiel admitted, not really aware of why he said it. "Gabriel and Anna are the only people who I allow near me," he continued. He searched Dean's face for any response or acknowledgement of what he just said.

Dean thought about something he read about isolated people and how they need human interaction even more so. Maybe it said something about being cautious about touching them? He couldn't remember, but he didn't think to care because hearing Cas say that made Dean throw his arms around his bony shoulders. He needed it himself. Cas still smelled the same, like the few clothes left in his closet. He even felt the same, maybe a little thinner, but Dean pulled him in as close as possible all the same, burying his face in his shoulder.

Castiel's breath hitched in the unexpected embrace. He had forgotten how to hug people. His mind froze and he raised his hands, wedging them between himself and Dean. Pushing away, he glanced at Dean's face. The other boy looked heartbroken and guilty of something, which only resulted in making Castiel feel guilty. A thought popped into his head. Not a very good one, admittedly, but it may work to cure the rejected sting he was sure Dean must be suffering at the current moment. "Will you stay with me tonight?" he blurted out. "I'm afraid to be alone again. The voices promised they'd kill me," Cas whimpered. He looked down at his hands, embarrassed by what he'd just said.

Dean's cheeks were still pink as he looked away from Cas and nodded. "I'll keep you safe," he said in a quiet voice. He didn't know why his chest felt so tight, why he felt like crying. It was stupid because it was just a hug and Cas probably doesn't even hug his sibling much anymore, so maybe... Dean bit his lip to keep from sobbing. "I'll stay."

Castiel's shoulders relaxed with the release of his pent up anticipation. He dragged his bony body across his mattress and to his pillow. Cas' hand reached out to reclaim Dean's and he pulled him next to his body. Castiel recognized the tears that were about to form in those beautiful green eyes and his heart dropped; he was the cause of Dean's anguish. Swallowing down the fear that gripped his throat and the panic that filled his lungs, he wrapped his arm around Dean's waist, making Dean face him instead of lay shoulder to shoulder. "Come. Warmth," he murmured as he held out his arms to the boy.

Dean blushed again, unsure if Cas really wanted to hug him. They both needed it anyway, he decided as he wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and buried his face in his shoulder. Dean wanted to stay like this all night, wrapped up in Cas' arms while they held each other and kept each other safe from nightmares.

Cas' heart threatened to break free of his ribcage now that his body was flush agaisnt Dean's. He'd forgotten what human warmth felt like and Dean radiated a comforting heat. Castiel's nose was pushed into his companion's hair and he breathed deeply. Dean still smelled the same, like aftershave, pie, and leather. "Thank you, Dean," his voice broke the silence. "I've missed you. It's been unbearable."

Dean just rubbed his back the way Cas used to always like. "You'll never have to miss me again, I'm going to be around so much you'll get sick of me," he laughed softly, turning his head so his nose was pressed into Cas. neck.

Feeling Dean touch his neck sent a shiver down Castiel's spine. The boy in bed next to him had his heart, Cas knew, but he's never admit it to anyone. If Dean knew, he'd most likely never speak to Castiel again... for the second time. Dean wasn't  _gay_. Instead of telling Dean what he  _really_ meant to Cas, he decided to lock those feelings back up and continue on like normal. "I could never get sick of you, Dean."

"I'm always going to be around, forever, I swear," Dean said very seriously with his eyes closed. He sighed a little, happy they were finally back to being friends. In time, hopefully Cas would be his best friend again and if he'd ever have him... maybe more than that. The thought itself made him blush and he was grateful for his face being hidden from Cas. "Do you want to turn off the lights so we can sleep? Or maybe eat something?" he tried to suggest it as softly as he could. He didn't want to deter Cas from the idea of eating again when he obviously hadn't for a while.

"Sleep," Castiel spoke quietly. "We can eat in the morning." Cas contemplated turning the lights off for a moment, then whispered, "Could you get the lights, Dean? I don't think I can get up." The fact that he was completely out of energy was frighteningly true. Dean nodded and climbed out of bed to flick the light switch down, then crawled back to Castiel's chest. They became entangled once again as Castiel began to drift off to sleep. "Goodnight, Dean. Thank you," he breathed as his mind began to silence. He was almost happy for the first time in a long time. Dean was his friend once more. Maybe one day, Castiel's feelings would be requited, but for now, he was content to keep them a secret, for Dean's sake.

Dean nuzzled into Cas' neck, closing his eyes once more. "Goodnight, Cas," he whispered softly as he started joining Cas on his journey to sleep. He was glad he'd thought to text his mom before he got to Cas' house, she'd understand what it meant for him to come here tonight. When he finally did drift to sleep, he didn't have his usual nightmares, just dreams of him and Cas being happy and finally together.


	2. Waking Up Next to You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of anorexia.

Sleep fell away from Castiel in the hours of dawn. He didn't sleep much anymore, he'd be lucky if he got more than four hours in on any given night. He began to stretch, then stopped when he realized there was a body latched onto his own. The previous night rushed back into his memory and he felt his heart hurt in his chest: Dean was finally back after so long of not speaking to him at all. Cas sighed quietly and snuggled closer to the older boy, trying to block out those negative emotions-- Dean was back, he should be happy. Castiel looked at the window and noticed the light pink rays filtering through the blinds. Sunrise. "Deeeeaaaannnn," he cooed and nuzzled the sleeping boy's face with his nose. Dean's freckled eyelids fluttered slightly and he let out a soft sigh as a small smile graced his plump lips. Castiel bit his bottom lip, engrossed in the beauty that lay next to him. His fascination was why he was startled when Dean's eyes flicked open and accosted him with golden flecks in an ocean of green.

Dean squinted, somehow a little surprised to see Castiel in front of him. Well, beside him. In his dream, they were older and had been married for quite some time. They'd adopted and had pets, it was perfect. He still smiled when a blurry human turned into his best friend who he'd slept with peacfully all night. "Heya, Cas," he said, sleep dripping off his voice.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Cas whispered, not wanting to drag Dean out of his sleep-drenched state quite yet. "It's sunrise, Dean. C'mon, it's my third favourite part of the day."

"Third?" Dean yawned and cuddled even closer to Cas. "What's your first and second?" he asked quietly. He closed his eyes again, taking a deep breath as he buried his face in Cas' neck again.

"Seeing you is first, then sunset," he smiled into Dean's shoulder as their arms locked tighter around each other. Dean's body heat lit Castiel on fire with contentment and the feeling of safety.

Dean blushed a little at what Cas said, but he still smiled all the same. "You'll see me every day now," he whispered and rubbed Cas' back. "I think seeing you is my favourite too, Cas."

"Good, it'd better be," the black haired boy teased. He pushed his own body against Dean's as much as he could, slipping his thing leg between his companion's well muscled ones. Castiel wasn't sure if he should be doing something so intimate with someone he was not romantically involved with, but he figured he'd like to take his chances.

Dean hummed softly, smiling into Cas' neck. He knew that he wouldn't do this with any of his other friends,  _especially_ not his male ones. This was edging on relationship behavior, but Dean really could care less. He loved it and he wouldn't give it up for anything. Dean held Cas as possible, loving how they fit so well together.

Against Cas' skin, he could feel Dean smile. It was a wonderful feeling, knowing that his favourite human was happy. Dean's strong arms made Castiel feel secure and okay for the time being, something he'd not felt in what he thought may have been forever. He hummed in unison with Dean. The song they had fallen into rhythm with was a lullaby version of an old Kansas song that Dean used to sing softly to him when he was upset. Castiel had forgotten the name of it now, but the words and tune were always in a secret place in his heart.

Dean smiled even wider when he heard Cas humming the Kansas song from a long time ago. He felt himself drifting back into sleep, breathing a little deeper.

Castiel tried to sleep, he really did, but his body betrayed him. His mind refused to leave him be and the darkness crept in again. " _You are aware that he doesn't love you, right? He just pitied you."_ the voices hissed at him. Cas shut his eyes tighter and tried to tune them out. He focused on Dean's steady breathing, a pattern of in, out, in, slight snore, in, and repeat. " _What are you doing, Asstiel? You're nothing, you don't deserve him."_  Tears stung his eyes and he hummed a little louder. The voices bothered him constantly, but discrediting him to Dean was harsher than normal.

Dean felt Cas' breathing speed up and he pulled back to look at him to see the same look on his face when he started hearing things. Except this time he looked in even more distress and like he was at the verge of tears. "Cas?" He whispered softly, cupping his face. Castiel stopped humming and stared at him. "Are they saying something to you?"

Cas' eyes widened. He hadn't meant to wake Dean, he had attempted to remain in the balance of making noise, but not enough noise to disturb the other boy. _"See what you did? You fuck up everything, couldn't even let the poor guy sleep because you're a selfish piece of shit."_   Castiel's chin trembled in Dean's hand and a shiny tear rolled down the blue eyed boy's cheek.

"Y-yeah."

Dean's heart broke seeing Cas cry like this. He thumbed away the tears and frowned a little in concern. "What are they saying?"

_"Tell him, you pathetic bitch. Tell him exactly how insane you are, how he's your weakness. Tell him."_

"J-j-just t-things," Castiel stuttered, too afraid of Dean's reaction if he told the truth.

Dean shook his head determinedly. "Cas, you can tell me." He watched him carefully, even if it hurt to see him hurting so badly.

_"Yeah, Caaaas, you can tell him. Do it, we dare you."_

"N-no, I c-can't," Castiel spat out in frustration. Dean's face collapsed at the sting in Cas' words. Castiel screwed his eyes shut, he wasn't mad at Dean, he was mad at himself.

"Sorry," Dean said in a quiet voice as he let go. "I just wanted to help." He just wanted to know so he could tell Cas they were wrong, since they always seem to say things that are the farthest from the truth.

Shame overtook Castiel and he moved away from Dean's embrace. He hadn't meant to do that but now he couldn't take it back and Dean was hurt. With his head hung down, he swung his legs over the side if his bed and stood up. Days of not eating nor sleeping caught up with Cas in that instant and he swayed to the side and fell down on to the hardwood floor. "Shit," he grumbled under his breath, bruises already blooming on his white palms.

Dean's head snapped up and he saw Cas on the floor. He rushed to help him up, leading him back in bed. "Are you okay?" His heart was beating so fast. He was scared Cas had really hurt himself.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Cas said because he didn't want to worry Dean. The other boy wasn't aware of just how bad he'd gotten over the past year and Castiel didn't want to tell him.

"That's your lying face," Dean frowned. "And I... Cas, I really put my heart on the line last night and I did it for you. I'm not going anywhere and you can't scare me away, alright? You don't have to tell me, but... I just want you to know that you can, and I'll still be here."

"This is my normal face," he replied indignantly. "And I can't tell you. You'd laugh or leave... Or both." His pale hands clutched the blue comforter that matched the dark blue sweater he was currently wearing.

"No I won't," Dean said softly, gently getting Cas' hands to stop clutching the comforter. "And your hands are bruised, be careful."

"Yes, you will," Castiel argued. Dean's hands now held his own shaking ones, the skin on skin contact sent a shock through his body. Dean was the only person, aside from Anna and occasionally Gabriel, who ever held Cas' hand and it had always been the best sensation.

"I'm never going anywhere," Dean said quietly, looking down at their hands. He wondered if Cas would believe him if he just told him how he felt? It might make things easier, but if Cas doesn't feel the same way then Dean... would be stuck in heartbreak forever with a boy he swore he'd never leave again.

"Pinky promise?" Castiel asked in barely more than a whisper. Since they'd first met, their pinky promises were, to them, the Unbreakable Vow from those wizard books Cas had read years ago. He held his unoccupied hand out and offered his pinky to Dean.

Dean nodded and wrapped his pinky around Cas'. He knew this meant everything to them, so he always took it very seriously, no matter how childish it seemed to everyone else. Cas sighed and his trembling body sunk into his mattress. He curled up in a fetal position, then tucked his head onto his fluffy pillow. Dean stared at Castiel intently in silence as the younger boy collected himself.

In a shaky breath, he spoke, "T-they told me that you d-don't.... D-don't..." Castiel couldn't help but trail off due to the intrusion in his head again.

_"Oh shut up, you cry baby, he doesn't care. You're crying because you're pathetic and useless. Why are you even alive? No one needs you, Dean doesn't need you, Gabriel and Anna don't need you, you weigh them down. Worthless, unloved piece of shit."_

Dean laid down next to Cas, turning on his side to face him. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to his forehead as he cupped his face. When he pulled away, he wiped away his tears. "Don't listen to them, Cas." Dean's velvet lips on his forehead surprised the brunet, causing Castiel's eyes to fly open. He bit his lip and stared at Dean questioningly as the other boy wiped his cheeks. "Can you hear me?" Dean asked, a little panicked. "Cas?"

Cas blinked and nodded his head in one simple movement. He swallowed as terror rose in his throat, terror that Dean would find out how bad he was. Dean let out a deep breath, but he obviously wasn't completely relieved. Cas still had something to tell him and Castiel had no intention of letting him know. Dean waited patiently as he watched Cas. The tension of the situation drifted into the air to join the sound of Castiel's sobs. Cas drew his arms tighter around his bent up knees and began rocking himself back and forth. Dean was still draped over the smaller boy, his strong frame acting as a security blanket for Castiel. Cas' breathing was uneasy and he sighed to himself. Maybe Dean would get tired of waiting and just leave. Part of him wanted this to happen rather than the alternative of Dean discovering Cas' situation. As far as Dean knew, Castiel was only diagnosed with chronic depression. That diagnosis was made a year ago and after Dean abandoned him, he had worsened, eventually sinking into beginning psychotic depression. Castiel wanted to blurt everything out to his friend, but the fear of being rejected again held him back. Instead, he closed his eyes and began to shut himself off from the world.

Dean waited and waited, he was trying to hold Cas, but it was hard in this position. He noticed Cas had closed his eyes and he sighed, getting up off the bed to lay behind him instead. He lay his hand on his best friend's side. "I'll be here when you're ready," he whispered.

Castiel's senses faded as Dean lay behind him and kept a warm hand on his prominent ribs. Soon, his consciousness slipped away and the last thing he heard was his friend humming that Kansas song. What was it called again? He'd find out later, when he was done dreaming of dying.

Dean hummed until the song was over and sighed a little. He made sure Cas was really sleep before letting himself cry. He tried not to wake him up as tears angrily escaped his eyes and his body slightly shook. Before, Dean didn't want to know what was going on with Cas, but he always told him. Now... now Cas was keeping things from him and all he wanted to do is help. With a shaky sigh, he got out of bed and made his way to the bathroom to try and calm himself down. In the other room, Castiel slumbered on.

He twitched in anticipation of the suicide he was committing in his dream: a simple gun to the head. Cas' body relaxed again and he turned over while being under the deepest sleep he'd had in the longest time. In his dream, Castiel was pouring the entire contents of a bottle of sleeping pills into his hand. They clinked together in a noisy fashion and it made him giggle: he would be silenced by small things that made noise. He hadn't any idea _why_  this was humorous to him, but it was. The room his dream had chosen to masquerade as was Dean's bedroom. It was dark and the window was open, allowing a cool breeze in. Quietly, the door behind Cas opened and a voice curled into the room, "Wake up."

Castiel turned, a few pills spilling from his hand. "Why?" He asked. "I like it here."

"Dean needs you."

Cas' body jerked up, wrenching himself out of dreamland. "Dean?" He muttered sleepily. Castiel forced his eyes open and looked around. Dean was no where to be seen. He strained his ears and was met with a soft, hiccuped sob that came from the bathroom. "Dean?" Cas called again, his voice scratchy and deep from the painfully short nap he'd just taken. He stretched out across the bed and gathered the strength to try to stand on the floor once more. Castiel took a wary step, then another and another and eventually reached bathroom that was conjoined with his room. His friend sat on the side of Cas' porcelain bathtub and he was shaking.

Dean looked up to a blurry Cas, startled. He stood quickly, wiping his red eyes and hoping his face wasn't puffy. His head hurt from the sobbing and he tried to put on a smile for Cas. "Sorry I woke you," he said, the sound of tears still in his voice. He tried to clear his throat, but it was useless.

"You didn't wake me, no," Castiel replied. He took a step towards Dean and examined the other boy's face. The freckled cheeks that Cas adored were now blotched with light pink and his favourite green eyes were red and watery. Even in his crying state, Dean was the most gorgeous human Castiel had ever had the honour of laying his eyes on. He now stood directly in front of Dean, unsteadily taking one of Dean's hands in his own and using his other to brush the tears off his face. Castiel smirked as he realized that over the past 4 hours, he and Dean had cried more than either of them would ever admit.

Dean closed his eyes as Cas touched his face. Crying in front of anyone, especially Cas, was extremely embarrassing. He sighed a little. "You should be in bed, resting. I'll go get you food." He tried to change the subject.

"Stay," Castiel ordered without venom in his voice. He couldn't let Dean suffer in silence. He know far too well what that felt like and he vowed in that second that Dean would never have to experience that. Cas cupped Dean's cheek and began rubbing his thumb in circles, trying to sooth the crying boy. Surprisingly, Dean leaned into the touch and grasped Castiel's other hand tighter while their fingers worked their way between each other.

Dean needed this. He needed Cas. He held onto his hand tight as he leaned into him. "Will you ever let me in?" he whispered, hand coming up to touch the side of Cas' head.

The question was a tad bit shocking to Castiel seeing as the boy who stood with him now was the same boy who walked away the first time Castiel had tried to invite him in. "I thought you didn't want me to," he said with sincerity. He honestly didn't think Dean ever wanted to know what was going on, that it was too much for him.

"I do _now_ , I didn't then," Dean admitted quietly, hand not moving from Cas' head. "Now it's different. Now I'm here to stay and I mean it. There's nothing you can say that'll scare me away."

"Really?" Castiel asked with his eyes as they widened and bored into Dean. Dean took his hand away to hold out his pinky. It was like they were at the start of their friendship all over again except it was stronger and better than it ever had been so far. Castiel eyed the extended finger carefully-- he didn't want to be hurt again. He glanced up to meet Dean's still swollen eyes and he read them easily: Dean meant every word he was saying. He sighed and wrapped his own pinky around Dean's, internally laughing at how childish it all was with the pinky swears and crying in each other's arms.

 _"_ _That because it_  is _childish, idiot. Children make promises they don't keep, why would this be different?"_ Castiel's heart fearfully skipped a beat as he and Dean sealed their promise that could apparently be broken at any time. He struggled to breathe and calm himself as he got lost in the green of Dean's eyes.

Dean was feeling a little better. "Can we hug now?" he whispered quietly.Wordlessly, Castiel slipped his fragile arms around Dean's trim waist and buried his face in the area where his shoulder and chest met. Cas leaned all of his weight against the other boy because his body was too weak to continue to support him fully, so Dean held him supportively. His arms were around Cas, palms on his back. "Please let me get you something to eat."

"I'm not hungry," he replied truthfully. He really wasn't. His body didn't want to be filled.

"But you have to still eat," Dean sighed.

"I don't want to. I've not eaten much over the past couple of months, one more day won't be a big deal."

Dean didn't want to argue, he was so tired that he just nodded. He also wasn't one to skip meals, so he was hungry... maybe that's how he'd get Cas to eat and back to health: not eating and saying he wouldn't unless Cas ate with him.

Castiel read Dean's expression and it translated to the fact that he was about to do something stupid. Instead of giving him the opportunity to do whatever it was he wanted to try, Cas led him by the hand back to his bed. His warm sweater hung loosely off of his wiry frame, something he hadn't noticed until a few minutes ago. Shaking his head, he pushed the realization away and laid down on his bed, pulling Dean with him. "Why were you sad?"

Dean cuddled into Cas' arms and sighed, closing his eyes. He didn't want to tell him, not really, but he also didn't know how to. There was a lot on his mind and his thoughts were all jumbled up. Dean's silence irked Castiel.

"Hey." Cas hooked his forefinger under Dean's chin and pulled it up so that their eyes met. "Tell me."

Dean blinked a few times. "Why don't you go first?" He tried to ask as softly as possible.

"What do you wish to know, Dean?" Castiel asked. He gulped down the fear that was building up at the prospect of having to answer any questions at the moment.

"What I asked you earlier about what lies they told... The ones they keep telling you," he frowned a little, looking away from Cas.

"If I have to tell you, you have to look me in the eye, Dean," Cas stated simply. If he had to suffer, Dean sure as hell was going to watch. Dean unwillingly returned his gaze to Castiel as he began speaking. "They told me to die. They told me that you and Gabriel and Anna are better off without me. They said you don't care about me and t-that," Castiel faltered after being able to steady his voice for the first two sentences. He swallowed and began again, "They said you only p-pity me and that I a-am noth-th-thing to you." Cas watched as the soul behind Dean's eyes were crushed and his own soul mirrored that reaction. Telling Dean the truth knocked the breath from his lungs and made his stomach feel queasy even though there was nothing in it to throw up. To try to qualm the unsteadiness that washed over him, he spoke with a broken voice, "Your turn."

Dean was shocked into silence, he didn't know what to say, none of that was true. He cleared his throat, eyes never leaving Cas'. "I think I'm the reason you're going through all of this. That you'd maybe be better off without me ever walking back into your life, that you'd go to school and eat and not... not be so depressed anymore. And I don't think you wanted to even tell me that. Maybe you just really wanna push me out of your life again." He shrugged a little.

A sharp sound cracked through the air as Castiel's hand met Dean's face and sent it sinking into his pillow. He grabbed the front of Dean's light gray t-shirt and forcefully yanked him closer until their foreheads met with a thud and their noses barely touched together, eyes not breaking contact. "Don't you _dare_  suggest I want you to leave me again, don't you dare," Castiel growled with strength he didn't know he had. Dean always blamed himself for anything that went awry, but Cas couldn't let him do that now. Unfortunately, it appeared as though the only way he could stop his friend from doing so was to tell him the truth. "Your _absence_  brought the majority of my demise, Dean Winchester, not your _presence_."

Dean's face stung and his headache was getting worse, but mostly, he heard what Cas said. "I'm sorry," he choked out, closing his eyes. He didn't remember Cas being violent before, and if he was being honest, he was a little scared of him right now.

Castiel's outburst had sapped what was left of his strength, but he continued to press Dean as close as he could while maintaining the short distance between their lips. "Don't be sorry, be less idiotic next time you open your mouth," he whispered and his words, full of affection and a tint of an apology, brushed softly against Dean's lips.

Dean wanted to just lean in and kiss Cas. Of course he wouldn't hurt Dean, he cared about him and he'd accepted him back so easily when he wanted to help fix what he'd fucked up in the first place. "What they said isn't true," he gulped, staring into Cas' blue eyes. "None of it. I care about you so much and without you, I was a wreck. And now that I'm here," he smiled and trailed his hand down Cas' slim side, "I don't want to go and I don't want you to go. I just wanna stay here and protect you."

Castiel's eyes softened as Dean spoke. His words rang true and they began to smooth the jagged pieces of Cas' broken heart. Then, something about what Dean had said clicked. "If you were a wreck, why didn't you come back?"

"I was scared you didn't want me anymore," Dean sighed. "That you'd tell me it was my fault."

"Why would I say it was your fault?" Cas asked. He was genuinely puzzled by this-- how could Dean think he was to blame? Cas relaxed his grip on Dean's shirt and dropped his head back to his pillow.

"Come back," Dean said, chasing Cas a little and pressing his forehead against his. "Because I left you alone."

"You had to. You were confused and afraid." Dean's forehead was warm and steady against his, just like his hand right above Castiel's hipbone. Cas examined Dean's face in the faint glow of the morning sun. His brown freckles were sprinkled across his tan face and his dark brown eyelashes curled upwards slightly, framing his startling green eyes. His blond hair was sticking up in all directions from bed head, which Castiel found endearing. Before he could stop himself, he completely removed his fist from Dean's shirt and ran his fingers through the blond, messy hair instead.

Dean was blushing so hard from Cas' stare, closing his eyes when fingers ran through his hair. He rubbed Cas' fragile hip soothingly. "I was a coward, but not anymore. We can do this together," he whispered.

"Yeah, together," Cas sighed with relief. The fact that the way they acted with each other after only being reunited for barely 5 hours was the way couples in romantic relationships acted after being separated for a period of time tugged at Castiel's heart. They acted as though they were in love and together, but were they? Dean could never love him. Cas wasn't worthy of Dean. Rather than giving into those soon-to-be-worse thoughts, Castiel focused all of his energy on closing his eyes and feeling Dean's hand sliding up and down his hip bone.

Dean smiled a little and pulled away from Cas to lay down next to him. "Come here," he ordered gently, tugging Cas to come closer. Castiel went limp as Dean's arms wrapped around him in the structure of a safe cage. Dean laid down on his back and gently pulled Cas after him, balancing half of the thin boy's body on the mattress and the other half on Dean himself. Castiel's head lolled to the side and rested on his shoulder.

"Why have I never seen you wear that jacket to school?" he inquired when he opened his eyes and they fell on the chair at his desk where Dean's jacket had been discarded the night before. When he'd given Dean the jacket for his birthday, it had been too big on him. Since then, he's grown into it and it fit him well, Cas decided.

"I don't know," Dean shrugged, beginning to rub Cas' back. "I wear it all the time, I really do."

"I believe you." Feeling the need ask what had been in the back of his head the whole time he'd been with Dean, he murmured, "How are you and Lisa, Dean?" Then suddenly, he jerked up as he remembered something important. "Dean, you and Lisa always go out on Saturday. You pick her up early and don't go home until curfew. You need to get moving if you're going to get her on time, it's almost 7:30." As much as Castiel envied the luck Lisa Braden possessed to be in a relationship with Dean, he didn't want his friend to lose the person who seemed to make him happiest. The abrupt raising up he'd just endured made him feel light headed and Cas' arms shook as he struggled to hold himself up above the blonde haired boy.

"We broke up a few months ago," Dean said and pulled Cas down so he was back on his shoulder. "And it was just time. I didn't want to be with her anymore."

This bothered Castiel. When he and Dean were still inseparable, Lisa was all Dean ever talked about. He always droned on about how beautiful she was, how much he loved her, how she made him so happy, and how he wanted to be with her forever. Cas used to feel sick whenever Dean would talk about Lisa like that, like she made the sun rise, but he always indulged Dean's need to worship her. On more than one occasion, Castiel would blush when Dean spoke of how _flexible_  Miss Braden, as Castiel had always referred to her when speaking in her presence, was. "Why not?" He asked the inevitable question.

"I just... I didn't want her anymore and... Honestly? She didn't want me either. We're just going our separate ways in life, Cas, so don't worry about it," Dean smiled a little.

"Hmmm, okay, Dean," Castiel said, trying to relax himself. Maybe there was a chance with Dean then. Dean kissed the top of his head, closing his eyes. Dean's new found habit of kissing him made Cas blush. Each gentle kiss made Cas' spine stiffen and sent shivers down his neck.

Dean smiled softly as he kept rubbing his back. "What about you? No one catch your eye?"

"One person," Castiel responded elusively. His face buried closer to Dean's chest in hopes that the older boy didn't see his deepening blush.

Dean raised his eyebrows. He'd expected a no. "Are you gonna tell me who it is?"

"Umm, Balthazar," Castiel mumbled into Dean's shirt. "We were roommates at the psychiatric hospital I was sent to a few months ago. He was very friendly, if not a bit of a tart, sometimes kind of an assbutt."

Dean didn't know what to say, he didn't expect himself, but the fact it wasn't him still hurt. He nodded, forcing a small smile. "That's great. Good for the two of you."

"Yeah, good," Cas echoed. He had just come out about his sexuality to the only boy he truly and deeply loved, but he was too much if a coward to tell Dean that the first boy to turn his head had been.... well, it had been _Dean_.

Dean suddenly felt like he and Cas were too close, like he was coming in between a relationship. Maybe that's why Cas didn't want to hug him in the first place. He gently backed away from him, pushing Cas away.

Alarmed at Dean's reaction, Castiel looked at up him with a question in his eyes. "Dean?" he whimpered.

"Hm?" Dean hummed softly, looking over at Cas.

"Why are you pushing me away?" Castiel asked worriedly. "Did I do something wrong, Dean?"

"You like someone," Dean shrugged, looking away from Cas. "I don't want to push you away from him."

Shaking his head vigorously, he lifted Dean's face to meet Castiel's panicked eyes. "I don't like him anymore, Dean. We were together for a month, but he realized my heart didn't really belong to him. We're better as friends anyway," he quickly attempted to fix the damage that was obvious in those green eyes. "I don't like him," Cas concluded.

"So why did you say him?" Dean frowned, looking at Cas with a question in his eye.

"You asked if anyone caught my eye, Dean. He did," Castiel replied in confusion. He'd answered Dean's question, had he not?

"I meant now," Dean swallowed. He was even more afraid of the answer this time.

"I'm not sure," Cas lied through his teeth. He hates lying to Dean even more than he hated the feeling of dread that set in at the question he was about to ask. "What about you? Any lucky girl after Miss Braden?"

"No girls, no," Dean sighed and shook his head.

This caught Cas' attention. His ears did the funny thing Dean always teased him about: they perked up. "A boy then?" Castiel asked, trying with all if his power to keep the elation out of his voice. Dean was _bisexual_. This meant Cas had a _chance_. "Is he on the football team with you?"

"No, he's not really into football. He does like Baby, though," Dean shook his head. A part of him hoped Cas would just guess himself so he didn't have to say it. He was intimidated by the possible reaction, but maybe it'd be better for him to have it out in the open.

"I can't imagine you with anyone who doesn't love football or old cars, Dean," Castiel laughed. The very idea of Dean with someone who didn't appreciate his 1967 Chevy Impala or his favourite game was absolutely absurd. "Does he at least attend your games?"

"I don't know if he has recently, but I know he used to, sat right in the front," Dean smiled softly, blushing a little. He remembered when Cas went to his games and sat in the front. And afterwards, Cas would grumble about the noise and the weather, but compliment Dean all the same.

"Oh," Castiel whispered. He'd been to every one of Dean's games since he'd joined the team, he even continued to attended them over the past year. Obviously the boy, the one Dean was interested in, had escaped his observation. "What's he like?" Cas asked timidly.

Dean blushed and looked at him with a little nervousness. "Promise to just... just listen and don't freak out?"

With his brow furrowed and his cornflower blue eyes squinted, Castiel looked at the face across from him, a face that was tense and uncomfortable in the mixture of shadows and sun rays. "Of course, Dean, I promise. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I will respect your privacy."

Dean took a deep breath, trying to prepare himself. He opened his mouth to speak and heard his phone go off from the charger across the room. "Sorry," he mumbled as he got up and looked at the text from Sammy asking him to take him to the library.

"It's fine," Cas said despite his disappointment. He'd been excited to know more about Dean's love interest, to compare himself and see what he was missing. Picking himself apart had become one of Castiel's habits during his depression and he had begun to relish it. Now that Dean was out of bed, Cas was cold, so he wrapped the comforter around his small frame and stepped to the ground. He stumbled towards the doorway-- Dean was right, Cas needed to eat.

_"Aww, c'mon Cassie, you're just wasting food for when Anna and Gabriel get home. They have to work for that, ya know."_

"Shut up," he growled at the voices in his head.

Dean was about to protest, but he saw how in distress Cas was. He couldn't help but smile when he heard Cas say shut up, knowing exactly who he was talking to. "I'll text you, okay?" he said quickly before wrapping an arm around Cas' waist to steady him. "And you keep telling them to leave you alone."

"Yeah, okay," Cas agreed and wrapped his arms around Dean in an embrace. "Tell Sam 'hi' for me."

Dean nodded and hugged Cas close before he smiled. "Promise you'll eat?" he whispered.

"I can try," Cas responded with a sad smile. "I haven't eaten more that a few cracker and the occasional string cheese for almost a year now, I'm not sure how well my stomach will fare with any more than that."

"Just work up to it, okay? I want my best friend to be healthy," Dean whispered.

"Anything for you, Dean," came Castiel's almost pitiful voice.

"And anything for you," Dean agreed and pulled away. "Will you be okay here? I can bring you back something."

"What something?" Castiel asked, confused once more. He hadn't the foggiest idea where Dean was rushing off to and what he could possibly bring back for Cas.

"Anything, Cas," Dean smiled. "I'll stop and get you something if you need it. Food, books, a cat," Dean winked.

"A cat??" Castiel's face lit up. Cats were his favourite animal, next to guinea pigs. They were so cuddly and soft and playful; in a way, they reminded Castiel of Dean.

Dean laughed and held onto Cas' hips. "We'll talk about it if you eat and start taking care of yourself, okay? I promise, but right now, I gotta go take Sammy to the library."

The tentative promise of maybe getting a kitten brightened Castiel up exponentially. "Okay!" he crowed in a childlike manner, the happiest he'd been in years. Dean's smile lit up the hallway and made Castiel's heart leap. Dean began walking away towards the front of Cas' house. "Drive safe," the blue eyed boy called after him. Dean turned around and smiled, waving as he got into the car.

"Promise!"

He started up the car, remembering that he left the jacket Cas gave him there, but that was just fine because he was coming back to get it. "Text me in ten minutes!" he yelled as he started up the car and pulled off.

Castiel closed the door with a soft click and smiled to himself. Gabriel and Anna were going to be at work until later that day, so he had some time to himself again. _"Miss him yet?"_

"Yes, of course I miss him, you blithering idiots!" Cas screeched. He was _sick_  of having these sick creatures in his head at all times.

 _"Of course you do, stupid baby."_ came the mocking voices again.

"Oh shut the fuck up." Castiel slowly made his way to the kitchen, his bones hurting and his muscles straining with each painful step. Developing anorexia had taken a severe toll on his body.

He walked into the empty kitchen and opened a wooden cupboard. Inside, was a line of soups. Castiel reached his hand up and choose one that he thought he might be capable of holding down: tomato bisk. He opened the lid and poured it into a bowl, covered it with a napkin, and placed it in the microwave. It had taken Castiel a while to figure out how to work the silly thing without exploding something inside, but now he could operate it efficiently. In 6 minutes, his breakfast would be ready for him to eat, so for the time being, Castiel sat down on the tile and cocooned himself in his comforter.

Dean smiled as he rode off to his house to pick Sammy up. He'd want to know how it went with Cas. They'd became friends and stopped being friends right along with Dean and Cas, so maybe they'd patch up their friendship too. When Dean pulled up, Sam was already outside with his backpack. Dean leaned over to open the door and Sammy climbed in, giving him an expectant look that was accompanied by a grin. "Finally, it's been a long year," he sighed, but still smiled at Dean as he pulled off. They talked the whole way about Cas and a little of what happened last night.

Sammy kept teasing Dean about how he seemed to have a more than platonic love for Cas, to which the older Winchester responded with "Bitch". 

 _*Beep beep beep*_  the annoying sound came from the microwave. Castiel struggled to get off the floor, but eventually managed it and opened the small door and took out the white bowl with red liquid inside. He hummed with a contentment in his heart. Dean was back, that's all that mattered. He sat down at the table and waited another two minutes for it to cool down. Not being able to wait another two minutes, Castiel pulled his phone out of his pocket and typed out a text to Dean.

 

_7:47 AM_

 

_Are you safe? CN_

 

 

_I just dropped Sammy off, I'm on my way back. DW_

 

_You're coming back? CN_

 

_We have to talk about your kitten. DW_

 

 

A giant smile broke out across Castiel's usually stoic face. The smile felt out of place and foreign, yet welcome all the same.

 

_You were serious?? :D CN_

 

_Of course I was. I know how much you love them and it'll be there when I can't be. DW_

 

_That's sweet. CN_

 

_Yeah, well... You know. DW_

 

 _I_ _'m glad we're friends again, Dean. CN_

 

_Best friends. DW_

 

_Yes, best friends. CN_

_You shouldn't be texting while driving, Dean, even if we are best friends. CN_

 

 _I_ _'m not. I had to stop by my house. DW_

_That's okay then. CN_

_I'm about to talk to my mom. I'll be back soon. DW_

_Alright, Dean. CN_

Castiel set his phone on the table next to his soup and began spooning the liquid into his mouth. It was warm and felt good on his throat in the cool of the kitchen. It was mid-January and all the windows were open, just the way he liked it. The cold made his body feel numb instead of his heart and nerves.

 

_8:30 AM_

 

_Sorry, Cas. Mom says hi and Sam asked if he could come over later. DW_

 

 

_Tell Mary hello for me. Um, I'm not certain that I want Sam to see me this way. We've only made passing remarks to one another during school every now and then, he's not seen the extent of my illnesses yet. CN_

 

_Well, he said he still wants to hang out sometime. Don't worry, I just told him he couldn't go over just yet. DW_

 

_Thank you. CN_

 

_Can I come back now? DW_

 

 

_Always. CN_

 

_8:41 AM_

_I'm outside. DW_

 

Cas got up from the spot at the corner of the couch that he'd occupied for a little less than an hour. There was an indent in the worn cushions now, more shallow than it should be for a boy of his age. He turned the doorknob and greeted a cold Dean with a warm hug. Dean smiled down at him as they embraced each other, Cas' comforter wrapping around both bodies. Castiel's forehead rested against the blond's chest and he could hear the heart that beat beneath his skin. Cas looked up and saw that Dean's expression lit up even more as he realized that Castiel was wearing his jacket instead of his own sweater. The soft black fabric hung loosely on his frame and Castiel felt very comfortable. "Hello, Dean."

"Hey Cas," Dean smiled. When Cas moved out of the way Dean came in and shut the door behind him. He took his hand, leading them back to his bedroom. "Did you want to be somewhere else?"

"Where else would I want to be, Dean?" a puzzled Castiel asked. His fingers clutched tightly to his friend's, Dean's previous absence now seemed more pronounced.

"The living room? I dunno, just making sure," Dean smiled before leading him through the bedroom door and toeing off his shoes.

"You ask strange questions."

"Thanks," Dean said proudly before laying down on Cas' bed.

Castiel stopped at the side of his bed and took in the image of Dean on his covers. It seemed right. It fit. They'd never shared a bed until last night-- well, very early that morning-- but the picture of him and Dean sharing a bed seemed like the only right thing in Cas' world. The boy was spread out on top of the dark green, wrinkled sheets that brought out his eyes and made Castiel's lips curve up in a smile. The still fairly early morning sun shone through the window and accentuated the highlights of Dean's abdomen muscles that his shirt was stretched over. The football player's hands were tucked under his head, making his biceps more prominent against his cotton sleeves. Castiel had to swallow the saliva that had built up in his mouth at the sight of a boy he considered perfect.

"You gonna join me?" Dean asked, still smiling. "We have important business to discuss."


	3. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a tad short, my apologies.

Cas wrapped his blanket tighter around his shoulders and clambered up onto his bed next to his favourite person. Cas'd smiled more in the past few hours than he had in months, he realized. It was nice. "My kitten?" he asked excitedly. Dean reached his arm out in a welcoming gesture and Castiel crawled beneath it and to Dean's chest.

Dean pulled him in close and nodded. "You think anyone would mind if I got you one?"

"Anna wouldn't, she loves animals. Gabriel wouldn't either as long as it's playful," Cas shook his head. "You might mind though. Last time I checked, you're allergic to cats."

Dean's smiled faded and he groaned. "I completely forgot Cas, damn... I'll just take a shot or something. It's just sneezing."

"No, Dean," Castiel said firmly, actually wagging a finger at him.

Dean thought that was extremely cute, unable to stop his wide smile from breaking out again. "I wanna buy you a kitten."

"And I want you to not be an asshole sometimes, but we don't always get what we want, now do we?" Castiel goaded the other boy.

Dean pouted. "You're mean."

"Where do you think I get it from?" he winked playfully. "You're the one who taught me how to act around people."

"You do pretty good," Dean laughed and squeezed Cas' side gently.

Dean's touches made Castiel's heart throb with affection. Ever since he and his friend had mended things between them and Cas had eaten, he felt more energetic and happy, two very odd feelings in his experience . "Thank you," he chuckled.  
  
"You're very welcome," Dean chirped. He'd missed Cas so much, he was happier than he'd been in a long time because he finally had Cas back. Cas was even a little bit happy now, which was the best thing he could've asked for. There was no way he was letting him go now. "So I can buy you a kitten?"  
  
"Still no, Dean," Castiel's expression suddenly turning very serious.  
  
Dean frowned. "What if we find one I'm not allergic to?"  
  
"Um, Dean.... Being allergic to cats means you're allergic to _all_  cats....."  
  
 _"That's right, Castiel, you turn that boy down. He's trying to make you happy, ya know, now you're just fucking it up. You always fuck up. You're making him feel bad."_ the voices cackled. Cas shuddered and burrowed closer to Dean. He didn't want those stupid delusions to ruin how good he was feeling.  
  
"What's wrong?" Dean asked quietly.  
  
"It's nothing," Castiel responded a mite too quickly, slapping a grin on.  
  
Dean gave him a sad look. "I thought we were going to be honest, Cas."  
  
The hint of betrayal in Dean's eyes was enough to shatter Castiel's want to remain silent. "It's just the voices, don't worry too much about it," he spoke as he lightly pressed a kiss to Dean's collar bone. Although Cas had never kissed Dean before and Dean had only begun kissing him that morning, he thought he'd give it a go anyway.  
  
Dean blushed a little at the kiss, but then resumed frowning at Cas' statement. "I'm always gonna worry, but it's just because I care about you."  
  
"I don't want you to worry though," Cas pouted.  
  
Dean ran a thumb over his pouting lip. "Just think of it as me caring."  
  
Dean was driving Castiel fucking crazy. His hugs and forehead kisses and cute smiles and hands always resting on Castiel's hips and now the idiot was running his fingers across Cas' lips.... It was infuriating. "Why do you keep touching me like that?"  
  
Dean saw how upset Cas was and immediately backed away. "I'm sorry, I'll stop."  
  
Cas shook his head and bit his lip, reaching out to Dean and pulling himself back to the blonde's chest. "Why'd you move away?"  
  
"You seemed really... I dunno, offstandish, upset," Dean shrugged, keeping his hands to himself. He thought if he kept touching Cas then the younger boy'd like it and maybe... maybe it'd help him adjust when Dean told him how he felt. But that was stupid, of course Cas didn't want him. Why would he?  
  
"I _am_  upset, Dean," Castiel snapped. "I'm upset because you're blatantly betraying your current love interest. Unless you've spoken to him about conducting intimate physical contact between you and another person, this is wrong." Cas drew his hand away from Dean's chest and rolled over onto his back instead. He closed his eyes that were facing upwards towards the ceiling while an overwhelming sense of helplessness washed over him. Dean didn't want Cas, he liked someone else, but that stupid boy kept touching Castiel in ways that gave his stomach butterflies. It wasn't right and it made him feel dirty.  
  
Dean was quiet for a moment as he struggled not to smile. Cas was so clueless sometimes, but it was time for Dean to let him in on his secret. "Can I just... Let me tell you about him, alright?"  
  
"Sure. Whatever," came the pissed off reply.  
  
"And don't interrupt me," Dean warned.

He propped himself up on his elbow, looking down at Cas for a moment before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. "He's... He's not perfect, but it doesn't matter because for me? He is. I'd do anything for him like... Buy a cat and take a shot everyday because I'm allergic, because seeing him smile is more important. He's as kind as they come and a little bit of an asshole, but that's sorta my fault and he doesn't mean it anyways. And he's... Well... Gorgeous. His blue eyes are perfect, I could get lost in them for hours and never look for a way out. And before this morning? All I did was sit around and miss him and wish he were with me like he used to be. Now that I'm with him? Man, I couldn't keep my hands off of him even if I wanted to and when I leave, he preoccupies my thoughts and I wouldn't have it any other way. He still remembers everything from before we stopped being friends, but there are things I wish he'd forget because I'm different. Whereas then I'd defend him with my words, now I'd do it with my life because... because I love him."  
  
"Who is--" Castiel began and then the realization hit him like angels plummeting to Earth. "Oh." Castiel's heart raced with the speed of a thousand wild mustangs and his eyes shot open, meeting the green ones above him. In those eyes, Cas saw a deep anticipation and an affection that he'd always assumed was platonic love. Clearly, he had been mistaken. "Oh," he repeated because he was at an utter loss for words. Castiel's ears were exploding with the sound of his ever-quickening heartbeat and his tongue was dry. His stomach was bursting with butterflies and he could've sworn that anyone within a 10-mile radius could see the blush on his face. "Oh."  
  
"Okay," Dean sighed. He just felt weak all of a sudden, like all his energy had been sucked out of him. His hope turned to confusion and then to sadness when he understood why Cas didn't say anything. He practically collapsed on the bed next to Cas, unable to look at him, but lacking the energy to get up and leave. "Just wanted to let you know," he whispered almost inaudibly.  
  
"Dean," breathed Castiel. "Dean, are you okay?"  
  
Dean just nodded, not making much other movement.  
  
"You're lying to me."  
  
"What do you want me to say?" Dean asked quietly without looking at Cas.  
  
"The truth."  
  
"I just did, I told you how I felt."  
  
"But you lied to me about you being okay."  
  
"I'm hurt, Cas!" Dean snapped as he glared at him. "I told you I fucking love you and you stared at me and said oh!"  
  
That was the last straw. Castiel yanked the front of Dean's shirt towards him, closed his eyes, and their lips met. Sparks flew as warm lips slipped into perfect alignment and synchronization. Cas could've sworn he saw supernovas. Dean's lips felt so much better on his own than they had on his forehead.  
  
Almost as quickly as he'd instigated the kiss, Castiel broke it off. "Don't talk to me about being hurt, Dean Winchester. I have adored you since the hour I literally ran into you in the library during freshman year. You were holding a stack of my favourite books, _Supernatural_ , that you'd begged the librarian to keep behind her counter for you because you didn't want the rest of the football team knowing you actually enjoyed literature. I kept apologizing and tried to pick them up before you had to and you got down on your knees and helped me. You were the first person ever do that, definitely the first jock. I looked into your eyes and they were the most dazzling things I'd ever seen. You made me swear not to tell anyone that you read, it was our first pinky promise. After that,  all I ever wanted was for you to requite those feelings. For two years, all I heard was about which girlfriend you were with at the time and how pretty they were. And when you started dating Miss Braden during sophomore year, I gave up hope. You _worshiped_ the very _ground_  she walked on and sang praises about her and your undying love for her. I sat back and _encouraged_  you, Dean! I gave you relationship advice to make sure you were happy even after I realized that I love you so much _more_  than can possibly be considered platonic. When you would come to my house, I would turn on your favourite shows even though I didn't understand their appeal. I sang you to sleep when you had nightmares and you made me swear never to mention those times to anyone, so I fucking didn't. I edited every paper you've asked me to proofread and listened to every Metallica song you wrote down for me. Even when you'd terminated our friendship and I got painfully sick so that I could barely hold myself up sometimes, I attended every _single_  football game last year. At the end of every game, I had to watch you and your cheerleader share a passionate snog and every game, I prayed that you would see me but you never did," Castiel spoke in an eerily cold and steady tone. "So don't you _dare_  talk to me about being hurt, Winchester. You're preaching to the damn choir."  
  
Dean was quiet. He'd started crying halfway through the calm speech. He'd hurt Cas so badly and in so many ways, he'd have to spend the rest of his life making it up to him. Now he understood why he was so speechless. He didn't know what move to make. The kiss was... it was perfect and he wanted _more_. He wanted to hold and kiss him until it was all okay, but he knew it took more, than a few kisses and a night of cuddling to repair this damage. He'd made himself a bed and now... God, he didn't know. Of course, he knew deep down the entire time, but he'd been denying it to himself. Dean wanted to be the straight, star football player with the cheerleader girlfriend, but now? Over the past year? All he's wanted was Cas and almost everyone in his life knew... including Lisa. If he's honest, he knew that him and Lisa weren't really even a good match as long as Cas was in the picture. That's the real reason they'd broke up, because Dean just wanted Cas and it all he thought about, Lisa had understood. With a sigh, he closed his eyes and covered his face. The freedom of crying alone in his room at night was... was comfortable, but this was suffocating because Cas should hate him for putting him through so much shit, yet here they are and Dean feels more helpless than anything. "I'm so sorry," he choked out after a few moment.  
  
Anxiety twisted Castiel's stomach and he suddenly felt guilty for lashing out at Dean. Of course Dean didn't know and didn't feel comfortable with how Cas felt, Dean had always been the kid who fit in and he liked it that way. Seeing him cry made Castiel feel entirely broken inside. "Hey," he whispered in a soft and caring tone, "I apologize for making you cry." Castiel lifted his hand from Dean's shirt to his face and wiped the tears that had gathered there. "I am sorry for upsetting you," came Cas' voice that was soaked with remorse. He stared at Dean's puffy eyes and listened to his sobs of thunder. Castiel really hadn't hurt him intentionally, he'd lost his temper, it got the better of him. "I did not intend to make you cry. The feeling of inadequacy has built up far too much over the past few years and I took it out on you without thinking, my deepest apologies." Cas cupped Dean's cheek as he continued to wipe his tears and pulled himself forward to place a feathery kiss against his best friend's forehead while the other boy hiccuped and cried.  
  
Dean threw his arms around Cas' neck and buried his face in it. He felt a very physical pain in his chest from the guilt of the trauma he'd forced Cas into and never thought twice about it. "Am I too late?" he whispered after he'd calmed down.  
  
"No," Castiel breathed into Dean's hair. "No, you're never too late, Dean."  
  
Dean pulled back to stare at Cas with wide eyes full of hope. "We should... We should make up for lost time."  
  
"How would we go about doing that, Dean?" Cas asked in puzzlement. How does one "make up" for time they had misplaced?  
  
Dean was still a little wobbly, afraid of how Cas would react to anything he said. He shook his head. "I... I don't know."  
  
"We _can_  if you wish, of course, I'm just unaware of how to do so," Cas said, trying to get Dean to accept him again after his outburst. Dean seemed unsure what to say as he wiped the wetness away from Cas' neck. "I _am_  sorry, Dean," Castiel offered. He liked being close to Dean and it calmed him substantially.  
  
"It's okay, I just... I don't know what to say. I don't want you to get upset again."  
  
"I've been like that for a while now. Little things set me off and strong emotions flood my being. I don't know what it is really," he replied, casting his eyes downwards.  
  
Dean really didn't know what to say to Cas. He couldn't lose the privilege of talking to him again, but Dean wanted to keep him happy above all else. "I'm sorry," he repeated.  
  
Castiel pulled his arms away from where they were wrapped around Dean and carefully pushed him away in one movement. Cas made sure he and his friend were at eye level before he spoke, "What's wrong?" Dean's jade toned eyes were puffy and rimmed with red and tears.  The protective part of Castiel made him press a kiss to Dean's angular, freckle-splattered nose.  
  
"I thought I would tell you I loved you and you'd say it back and then we'd be together, but now I'm crying and I found out how much I hurt you and all you said was oh," Dean closed his eyes, waiting on Cas to yell at him or hit him or push him away. Anything, any reaction at all would be welcomed at this point.  
  
Castiel felt his heart clutch at Dean's confession. Shyly, he pressed his lips to the crying boy's plump, pink pair. This kiss was delicate, loving, no longer filled with anger or guilt. Cas heard Dean's breath catch in his throat before he began to kiss him back. Their lips moved affectionately against each other as though they could erase everything that had caused pain to either boy.  
  
"I love you, Dean Winchester," Castiel sighed against his best friend's lips. "Always."  
  
Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' slim waist so that he could hold him close and protectively. Their foreheads rested together as they both slightly panted from the kiss. "I love you too, Castiel Novak," Dean in a playfully mocking tone. He couldn't wipe the smile off his face. "Always."


	4. Kissing His Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit short yet again, my apologies.
> 
> I should warn you that there's a scene dedicated completely to Cas' scars and such. It's not that long, but it is maybe a little too detailed if you're triggered easily.

Two hours later, Cas was wrapped up in Dean's limbs on the dark red couch in his living room. Their bodies made up a misshapen pile of warmth and cuddles. In front of them was a television set staring a Jedi, a princess, a bounty hunter, and the bounty hunter's rather long haired friend. Dean loved these movies with their cheesy effects and swords of light. Castiel didn't really follow the plot line, but he did understand that if he ever needed to get through enemy lines, all he had to do was play the Wookie in the situation.  
  
"Dean?" Cas mumbled sleepily.  
  
Dean was half asleep despite one of his favorite movies playing right in front of him. "Yeah?" He mumbled back.  
  
"Were you serious about taking shots every day so I can have a cat?"  
  
Dean nodded with a yawn, "Anything for you."  
  
Cas nuzzled his face against Dean's chest. "Can we go and get one tomorrow then?"  
  
"I have to go get my shots from a doctor first and then... then we can get one, okay?"  
  
"Okay, Dean."  
  
Dean smiled and pulled Cas up for a quick kiss. Their lips felt so perfect together and it made Cas' toes curl with joy. His Dean-- wait.... he and Dean weren't dating yet. "Dean?"  
  
"Yes?" Dean hummed, eyes still closed.  
  
"Why are you kissing me?"  
  
"Because I love you?" Dean frowned like the answer was obvious.  
  
"But I'm not your boyfriend, Dean. Isn't that untraditional?" Castiel asked with sincerity.  
  
Dean blushed when he realized he hadn't asked Cas yet. "Sorry," he mumbled tiredly. "Cas, do you want to be my boyfriend?"  
  
Half surprised, Cas blinked. Part of him thought Dean would've laughed it off and said he'd rather be best friends instead. "Yes," he hummed happily, forgetting to worry any further. "Yes, Dean," Cas chirped again, wrapping his arm around Dean's neck and mashed their lips together in an delightfully unorthodox way.  
  
Dean couldn't help but smile a little as they kissed, wrapping his arms around Cas' to pull him even closer. He hoped Cas didn't pull away this time. They dissolved into chaste kisses and tight embraces but before long, Castiel flicked his tongue out between his lips and ran it along Dean's plump bottom lip. Dean let out a small moan and parted his mouth to allow Castiel entry. His hands tightened around Cas' still very frail body, running his hands along Castiel's side and back. The younger boy sighed in liberation of feeling Dean's body move against his. Cas' own hand behind his _boyfriend's_  neck reached up and knotted itself in Dean's short hair. His free hand moved to Dean's hip and gripped it tightly, digging his thumb into the dip of his pelvis.  
  
Dean sighed into Cas' mouth, shivers running down his spine in the best way possible as they kissed. He pulled Cas onto his lap, pulling away from him to catch his breath before going right back to kissing him again. He let his hands slide down to Cas' hips, one hand going even further to rest on his thigh.  
  
Castiel's arms were covered in goosebumps. His toes splayed out and curled back up in his socks as his mind exploded with the thrill of being so intimate with Dean, his best friend and love. A strange, very warm sensation spread through his entire being, but mainly settled in the hollow just below his stomach. This feeling wasn't new to Castiel, but this was the first time he'd felt it in almost 2 years. He groaned as Dean began writhing in between his thighs, barely thrusting his hips up in a quest for friction.  
  
"Cas..." Dean breathed out gently as he rocked his hips and pulled Cas closer. "Fuck..."  
  
Castiel looked incredulously at Dean's face. "Now? We don't have a condom, Dean..."  
  
"No, not _that_ ," Dean laughed a little, moving face in Cas' shoulder. "Just... this feels good."  
  
"Oh, okay," Cas blushed crimson at his innocent mistake. "Get back here," he playfully commanded as he chased Dean's lips and they collided again. Dean's hand that had been on Castiel's hip now trailed back and forth across the strip of skin that had become exposed on Cas' back as Dean's jacket rode up from their movements.  
  
Dean wanted so much more than this from Cas one day, but today it felt like almost too much. He was already hard and feeling close to the edge since he'd waited so long for this moment, but he kept quiet as he kissed Cas, their tongues in each other's space. He trailed his fingers along Cas' skin, feeling how cool and smooth it was.  
  
Castiel felt the bulge in Dean's jeans grow as they continued to move together. The knowledge that he had given his boyfriend a boner was very empowering and it made Cas smirk as he nibbled Dean's bottom lip, extracting a moan of want from the boy beneath him. Despite how Dean was made him feel, Castiel had yet to return the _sexual_ urges and he began to think there may be something wrong with him. His gut felt warm and he wanted so much more of Dean, but his body had apparently not gotten the memo yet. Thoughts aside, Castiel clutched harder at Dean's hair and deepened their kiss. The hair pulling caused a loud moan of something between pleasure and pain.  
  
Dean was enjoying this so much, Cas was better at this than he thought he would be. Guess they knew who the top was, Dean smirked at his own thought, but it also turned him on even more. He pulled away from their kiss to tug Cas' shirt away from his body so he could kiss his chest and collarbones and stomach a lot easier.  
  
As Dean began taking his own jacket off of Castiel and then moved on to taking Castiel's shirt off, Cas began to panic. Dean hadn't seen Castiel's scars; they were everywhere. They were spiderwebs across the insides of his arms and in lines like tally marks on his hips. Cas reacted instinctively and rapidly grabbed the bottom of his shirt away from Dean's loving hands and pulled it down past the waist line of his pants. To relieve the awkwardness, Castiel leaned forward and met Dean's lips again.  
  
Dean's face became worried and he pulled away from Cas. "What's wrong?"  
  
Castiel frowned back. He liked kissing Dean and he wanted to keep doing so. Dean blinked expectantly though and caused Cas' willpower crumbled into sawdust. "I don't want you to see," he spoke in a voice barely above a whisper. "There's so many. I'm ugly."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Dean asked softly.  
  
Cas' eyes began to water as he imagined the look of disgust that would most likely come upon Dean's face if he saw the scars of lightning. But he had to tell him because... because he was _Dean_. "Scars."  
  
Dean gave him a small sad smile and kissed him softly. "Show me."  
  
"I'm afraid to."  
  
"Please," Dean begged. "Please show me."  
  
"Then _you'll_ be afraid," Castiel breathed fire. Not destructive fire, but the kind of fire that warms you to your bones and makes your heart go soft, the fire that was always behind his eyes even when reduced to nothing but smoldering coals.  
  
"I promise I won't, just..." Dean bit his lip, "Please, don't be upset, please trust me."  
  
Castiel considered this for a moment. He'd just gotten Dean back and he couldn't imagine that he could handle losing that relationship again. If showing Dean all of Cas' mistakes was the price to pay for their friendship, he would. "Okay," he said as he lifted his arms up and allowed Dean to remove his dark green, long sleeve shirt.

Dean couldn't breathe. Cas' thin arms were decorated with white lines of skin that contrasted with the tan of his normal skin. How could Cas do this to himself, his  _wonderful_ Cas? The lines on Cas' right arm were like icicles, cold and light. What pain had been so bad to drive the sweet boy on his lap to carving the skin that Dean loved to touch? He bent his head and brought Cas' arm to his lips, kissing each scar on his skin.  
  
Thankful that Dean didn't react the way he'd assumed he would, Castiel smiled to himself, watching his love pucker kisses onto his arm. Cas casually shifted his left arm at an angle behind his own body in hopes that Dean wouldn't check it. This one had two-day-old cuts between his the mid lower half of his arm and his elbow. He ended up shifting the entire left side of his body away from Dean's line of sight, praying that the other boy wouldn't see the word Castiel had branded onto the curve of his hipbone.  
  
"You going somewhere?" Dean raised an eyebrow at Cas as he kept moving around.  
  
"No, silly," Cas smiled at him and shifted his upper body forward to kiss Dean.  Dean kissed him back quickly before pulling away and continued to kiss every single scar on his arm.  
  
If Dean continued like this, kissing every individual bumpy line, Castiel figured they would be on that couch forever. There were so many that he'd nearly run out of skin to mutilate. Cas let his head fall back as Dean tenderly kissed each demon he'd fought at 3 am when his antidepressants were a bust. Dean kissed every fear and every drop of self-hatred and every suicidal thought that'd gone through Castiel's mind; it was like he was patching Cas up.   
  
"Why are you kissing them? They're hideous," Cas almost whimpered as the light from the TV rolled across his closed eyelids.  
  
"Shh," Dean kept kissing them without saying anything, pressing soft kisses to his scars. "I love you, trying to show you," he whispered as he looked up at Cas.  
  
Castiel swallowed. The breath left his lungs and the overwhelming urge to kiss Dean until their lips bled was growing. "O-oh."  
  
Dean looked back to Cas' arm. He was almost done, so he continued until there were no more to kiss and set his arm down gently. "The other arm?"  
  
Castiel went very still and brought his head back to face Dean. He very slightly shook his head no.  
  
Dean frowned. "Why?"  
  
"Because that is what I said you'd be afraid of."  
  
"I just... I just kissed all your scars."  
  
"And?"  
  
Dean didn't say anything. He guessed he deserved that, for all he'd put Cas through and these are probably all his fault anyway. That didn't mean it hurt any less yet he kept his face neutral as he nodded. "Sorry," he said without looking at Cas quietly.  
  
"It's okay, Dean. I was really just asking what you meant by that," Castiel soothed, "because I didn't understand. I didn't mea it harshly."  
  
Dean still didn't feel any better so he just shook his head. "You can show me when you're ready."  
  
"Are you alright? You seem distraught," Castiel asked. He trailed his fingers down Dean's jaw and kissed his forehead.  
  
"I'm okay," Dean nodded and swallowed thickly.  
  
Dean's Adam's apples bobbed in a heavy swallow, one of what Cas recognized to be his tell-tale signs that he was fibbing. Instead of pushing him, Castiel decided to be fair and offer up a trade: "I'll show you if you'll tell me first what you meant. I know you're lying to me, Dean."  
  
"I just meant I saw these scars and I still love you, that's all," Dean sighed.  
  
Cas thought about Dean's answer and then spoke, "That's kind of you, thank you."  
  
He shifted his body weight so that Dean could have a clear view of his left side. The scar placements mirrored his right arm's, but this one had something extra: bloody lines bubbling out of his soft white skin. The flesh on either side of each cut was spread away from its counterpart and allowed a look into the paper-thin layers of skin and blood vessels.  
  
"C-Cas," Dean choked. "How long ago was this?"  
  
"Yesterday."

  
Dean sighed a little, looking at Cas. "Are they sensitive?"  
  
"Yes, but nothing serious," Castiel nodded. "My shirts and sweaters that cover them tend to rub against them, therefore they have become accustomed to being touched."  
  
"Cas... are there any more?"  
  
Shaking his head, Castiel bit his lip. He watched Dean examine his wounds with a sober expression on his perfect face.  
  
"You promise?" Dean whispered quietly, eyes looking at Cas seriously.  
  
"Swear it."  
  
"Okay," Dean said with a shaky breath and a nod. "Let's go lay down."  
  
"Do you require rest, Dean?" Castiel worried as he clambered off of Dean's lap and waited for him to follow.  
  
Dean took Cas' hand and stood up. "Yes, but I also want to kiss the rest of your scars."  
  
"Why? You've already excelled in that area quite sufficiently."  
  
"But you have more."  
  
"That is not of import, is it?" Cas asked as they took two steps towards the opposite end of the couch and arranged themselves in a laying down position on the cushions. Dean lay behind Castiel with his arms wrapped protectively around his waist and his nose right behind Castiel's ear.  
  
Dean whispered softly as he spoke to Cas, "It is. I want to see them."  
  
"You cannot right now, you at an inopportune angle to view them," Castiel pointed out.  
  
"After we wake up?" Dean asked quietly.  
  
"If you'd like," Castiel trailed off. The feeling of Dean's body perfectly aligning with his, his back against the blonde's sturdy chest.  
  
"Please," Dean nodded and closed his eyes. He pressed a soft kiss behind Cas' ear.  
  
Dean's kiss was in a spot that made Castiel's heart melt and his lips turn up in a half crescent moon smile.  
  
"You're so beautiful, Cas," Dean breathed out.  
  
"You can't even see my face, Dean," he pointed out through chapped lips.  
  
"So that means I forgot what you look like?" Dean smiled.  
  
Castiel lit up and snuggled into Dean's front. This ridiculous boy made him ridiculously happy. "Touché," he giggled uncharacteristically, the effect of Dean's habit of cheesy flirting made him feel like a schoolgirl.  
  
Dean laughed and rubbed Cas' bare stomach gently. "So, _so_  beautiful."  
  
"I'm not," Castiel stopped when Dean tensed up with what he sensed to be anger and Cas finished his previous sentence, "I'm not, but I feel like I am when I'm with you." Then, brunette slipped into a warmth induced sleep and the last thing he perceived was Dean's chest lifting in a heavy, exhausted sigh.  
  
Dean smiled, his heart filling up with even more love for the boy in his arms. He fell asleep moments later, face pressed in Cas' neck.


	5. The Word on his Hip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of smut for you guys. Also, some warning for mentions of previous cutting and currently cuts that need to be washed(which is quite painful). Enter: Gabe and Anna. Enjoy :3
> 
> Translations:  
> mi vida= my life  
> mi amor= my love  
> mein lieber= my dear  
> mon jouet= my toy  
> cantar para mí= sing for me

Gabe sighed as he grabbed an armful of groceries from the trunk, tired and ready to plop on the couch and munch on his candy while he watched some TV. Doing shopping for anything other than his bakery wasn't something he enjoyed. Hell, getting up early to run errands was just cruel.  
  
"Thank you, Gabriel," Anna said sweetly as she slung the rest of the groceries on to her arms and closed the trunk. "Would you mind getting the door?" She tossed her keys to her brother.  
  
Gabe caught them single handedly and maneuvered around until he got the key in the door and pushed it wide open. He held the door open for Anna to go in first, she probably had more groceries than him anyways.  
  
Anna stepped into their house and turned to the left, walking to the kitchen. She hear the tv going in the living room and smiled. Anna worried about her little brother, her Castiel, and if he left his room at all, it was a good day. Maybe she'd make his favourite food, cheeseburgers, for dinner tonight to encourage him to do this more often. She hurled the groceries up on to the counter top and turned to cross the hall into the living room to check on Castiel.  
  
Gabe had walked into the kitchen behind Anna after he shut the door. He noticed the TV was on and smiled a little, that means Cas had been watching it and... was that Star Wars? As far as he knew, his baby bro never watched anything but documentaries and Discovery Channel, so this was just weird.  
  
On the couch lay a brunet and a blond. They were sleeping, the blond behind the dark haired boy, holding him close. The blond looked very familiar to Anna, where had she seen him before? Freckled face, dark blond hair.... _Dean_. Anna half ran out of the room and crashed into Gabriel. "Gabriel, there's someone here." Panic rose in Gabriel's eyes and he immediately set himself in a defensive stance. "Relax, brother, we know him. It's Dean Winchester."  
  
Gabriel frowned slightly. "What the _hell_ is he doing here?"  
  
"I'm not certain, but he and Castiel are sleeping shirtless together on the couch."  
  
Gabe made a face. "What?"  
  
"Don't ask me, Gabriel. I didn't even know they were speaking again," Anna spoke softly because she didn't want to wake them.  
  
"Well, what should we do?" Gabriel asked, looking around her to see them all cozied up on the couch together.  
  
"Let them sleep, I suppose. Lord knows Castiel hasn't slept well in a very long time," she reasoned.  
  
Gabriel nodded as he looked back at her before pouting a little. "I wanted to watch TV on the couch."  
  
Anna stifled her giggles with a pale hand. "Go and watch then, but sit on the floor."  
  
Gabriel groaned and rolled his eyes. "I'm going to take a nap," he grumbled before going off to his own room.  
  
"You do that," Anna replied as she gently kissed his cheek and headed back to the kitchen. She checked the clock, 3:47. Not much longer until she'd start to make dinner.  
  
Little noises came from the living room as Anna began taking rolling out the hamburger patties. One of them was a sleepy Castiel voice and the other was one she'd forgotten the sound of. Anna silently dropped what she was doing and crept to the kitchen doorway to see that on the couch were the two boys, Dean kissing Castiel's neck and Castiel playfully swatting at his arms.  
  
Anna could only hear pieces of what they were saying because they were speaking so low and far away, but it went something like this: "Deeaaannnn, I... back... sleep." "Not... happen, Cas... up." "Dick." "Shut... kiss me."  
  
Dean leaned over Castiel and their lips met with smiles and giggles. Anna stared in shock; Dean had _abandoned_  her younger brother and now said brother was kissing that... that  _pig_. She skittered down the hallway, quiet as a mouse, and to Gabriel's room. "Gabriel. Wake up, the boys are up," she whispered as she shook his shoulder. He snored a little and turned over. The redhead sighed and took on a motherly tone, "Gabriel Novak, if you don't get up this instant, I will throw away all of your candy."  
  
Gabriel opened his eyes at that, only to sleepily glare at Anna. "Don't you dare touch my candy, you psycho. I'm napping, whaddya need?"  
  
"Castiel and Dean are awake, dimwit. I want to know why he's here and I want to know now. You're helping me," she said, her voice laced with intimidation intended for the Winchester boy.  
  
Gabriel just raised an eyebrow at her. "Am I? Because last time I checked, I was napping."  
  
"Not anymore! Get your lazy ass up and help me," she whisper-shouted.  
  
Gabriel grumbled unhappily and got out of bed.  
  
"Thank. You," Anna huffed in annoyance. She dragged him with one hand and in the other was a wooden spoon she forgot to leave in the kitchen. Her red hair flew as she stomped down the hallway.  
  
"Dean Winchester, what the hell do you think you're doing here?" She shouted, causing Dean and Castiel to jump. They tried to sit up in a casual position as their cheeks flamed with red when they just ended up in a tangled mess of Castiel half on Dean's lap and struggling to pull his shirt on. He eventually managed and sat himself down next to the Winchester boy.  
  
Gabriel just stood beside her with his arms crossed, trying to look intimidating when really he was on the verge of sleep. He puffed out his chest and cocked his head to the side slightly, glaring at Dean with sleep dazed eyes.  
  
Dean didn't know what to say, his eyes were wide and his cheeks were hot and he thought this time, he was about to get thrown out forever. "I... I came to see Cas... he... I wanted to know if he was okay."  
  
"After a damn year?!" Anna looked like she was about to explode right about now. Castiel watched as her hair nearly crackled with angry electricity. He swallowed thickly and glanced at the boy who was now next to him. Dean's freckles had vanished and were now completely drowned in the red of the blush on his cheeks. Anna was always very calm and graceful, so when she was pissed, she was _pissed_. She did not make a habit of using foul language, but when she did, she meant them with every part of her, Castiel knew. Her angular features accentuated her round eyes that were brimming with fire and Cas was now cautious of being burned.  
  
"A _year_! You _l_ _eft_  him _alone_  and couldn't get your sorry ass over here at least once to see if he was 'okay'. You leaving was the last thing to push him over the edge, he became so screwed up after that, no amount of pills or doctors could help him," she raged on. "Do you know how many times I came home from work and found him drunk with an empty bottle of pills and a knife in his wrist? Do you know how many time he tried to kill himself?? Has he told you any of that or is he still protecting your 'precious feelings'? Even after you walked out on him, he _still defended_ _you_  to me. He never relented on how amazing and true and loyal you were even though that is absolute  _shit_." Anna screamed. How dare this _filth_  touch her brother like he loved him, how  _dare_ he.  
  
"I..." Dean didn't know all of that and his eyes were brimming with tears. If this was anyone else then he would be all in their face, but it was Anna. Cas' sister. He didn't want to start a screaming match. He swallowed thickly, not knowing what to say. Sorry was never going to be good enough for her, he knew that. Cas didn't want him to go, they'd established that. "I..." Dean tried to start again, but ended up not able to look in Anna's eye and started fumbling with his fingers. "I'm here now, I know what I did was inexcusable and unacceptable and no amount of apologies will make up for a year of me being a cowardly piece of shit, but I'm here now. And I'm trying to help him," Dean carefully reached over and took Cas' hand and looked up at Anna who was still pretty damn pissed. "And he... he doesn't want me to leave again, so you can yell at me all you want, but I'm not going anywhere. Not ever again."  
  
Cas softened at Dean's attempt to apologize for his past transgressions and how he was afraid of Anna, the way he held onto Cas' hand. He ran his thumb across Dean's knuckles and leaned against his shoulder. "Anna, please," he said quietly. "He's come to make amends. Dean wasn't courageous enough to carry the burden of my illnesses with me, now his heart is in the right place. Please, sister, forgive him for our past."  
  
Anna looked at Castiel through red tinted eyes and her temper soothed a bit. Castiel's blue eyes were honest, sincere; he truly believed what he was saying about how Dean had changed for the better. She sighed, her anger fading to almost nothingness. "Castiel, his departure triggered your downwards spiral. His incompetence is what hurt you above all else. How could you take him back?"

"I'm with Anna Banana on this, Cassie. This Winchester kid's a great big bag of dicks," Gabriel chimed in, staring at Dean with an ice that could freeze the sun.

Dean didn't say anything, he was wondering the same thing Anna was and trying to avoid Gabriel's gaze. He gripped Cas' hand as if his life was on the line, and if Dean was being honest with himself... it might be. He looked down at their fingers and bit his lip nervously. Within a matter of moments, Gabriel had shut up and nodded off, sleeping while standing with his arms crossed.  
  
Castiel swallowed again. "I don't know, Anna. I've not a clue," he whispered. Dean looked at him with betrayal and Anna looked spooked. "I do know that I love him though. I know that he is _mi amor_ _y mi_ _vida_ ," he spoke a little louder. "To me, he can cure demons and make angels fall. Dean was the reason I woke up every day for years even though I didn't want to. I hung on for so long in hopes that he would smile at me, that that he would come back to me."  
  
"I love when you speak Spanish," Dean said softly with a small smile as he looked over at Cas.  
  
"Oh, you've not heard the half of it," Castiel flirted. He had a knack for languages and loved using them to express what he couldn't say in English alone.  
  
"How can you love a treacherous man, brother?" Anna interrupted their flirting.  
  
Dean was about to say something right back to Cas, but it died away in his throat once Anna spoke and he looked back down at their hands.  
  
Castiel's minuscule smile disappeared and was replaced by a frown of worry. Dean looked really uncomfortable. "Because I don't love him," Cas replied with a head tilt.  
  
Anna gaped. "What do you mean, Castiel?"  
  
Dean's heart sank and he hoped that meant something else. He hoped Cas had a save for that because he didn't know if he could always be around someone who didn't love him back. Especially not Cas. He imagined the pain would be... unbearable. Then again, that's what Cas had done for him for years, maybe it was his turn.  
  
"What I mean is that I don't love him."  
  
"Then why, brother, have you defended him for so long?"  
  
Dean just sat there quietly as Castiel lifted his chin a little higher and gave Dean's hand what he hoped was a reassuring squeeze. "Because I love Dean. I do not hold affection for the 'treacherous man'. I love Dean, _my_  Dean. I love the one who's with me now, the one from long ago who gave me my first cheeseburger and taught me how to talk to girls no matter how much I insisted that I did not require assistance in that area. My heart belongs to the boy who used to pick me up for school in the morning on his handlebars during freshman year. I adore the boy who told me that classic rock is the only music worth listening to and who has rebuilt his Impala from the ground up," Cas rambled on. "I even-- I even love the boy who left me in the rain, very literally. I don't love this treacherous man you speak of, I love the boy next to me who apologized with tears and food."  
  
Dean squeezed Cas' fingers. "Cas..." He breathed gently.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I love you too," he whispered, eyes flicking down to Cas' lips playfully before looking at him again.  
  
"I could've told you that, now treat him like so," Anna quipped, ruining the moment. Next to her, Gabriel was snoozing away so she jabbed him in the ribs. "Wake up, idiot."  
  
Gabriel and woke with a start, nearly falling over. He held onto the wall to catch himself as he glared at Anna. "What?"  
  
Dean was quiet again. He knew that there was no chance he'd ever feel comfortable on this couch or even in the house unless it was Cas' room after that conversation.  
  
"You missed the fun," Anna pouted at Gabriel,  "Poor boy was practically in tears."  
  
Castiel chuckled as Anna grinned wickedly at him and winked. He sensed Dean mood dip and decreed it best to leave. "If you'll excuse us, Anna, we're going to retreat to my room now."  
  
Anna nodded and made her way towards the kitchen again. "Dinner in 30!" she called after them as they meandered down the hallway, Dean carrying his shirt and holding Castiel's hand.

Dean's body was stiff from the couch and he was eerily quiet, barely even breathing as they walked.  
  
"Dean? Are you okay?"  
  
"I'll be fine."  
  
"Dean," Castiel said sternly as he opened his bedroom door and led the other boy inside.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What's going on in that pretty head of yours, _mein_ _lieber_?" Cas asked as he closed and locked his door, turning to place two fingers on Dean's forehead to emphasize his point.  
  
Dean pulled Cas with his free hand so they were sitting on his bed. "Just... I don't know. That was uncomfortable as hell and I..." He sighed.  
  
"You what?"  
  
"I thought I was going to lose you and you and your sister were laughing..."  
  
"You thought I was laughing.... at you?" Castiel whimpered.  
  
"I thought both of you were laughing at me because of how scared I was," Dean mumbled.  
  
Castiel felt a twinge in his heart at those words. He turned from where he was sitting, faced Dean, then swung his right leg over Dean's legs so that Cas was sitting in his lap. He brought both hands up to Dean's face and cupped it with affection, touching their foreheads together. "I would never laugh at your fear of losing me, Dean. I was laughing because Anna is a fucking firecracker and even though she's small in stature, she can be terrifying," he smirked at the thought. Cas bent his head down and pecked Dean on the nose and both cheeks. "And you will never lose me, understand?"  
  
Dean felt shy and glanced at Cas while he fiddled with his hands, but he also felt relief, a lot of it. The reassurance of having Cas for good was enough to qualm his fears.  
  
"I meant everything that I said, Dean. Out in the living room I mean."  
  
Dean smiled as he remembered and nodded. "I know."  
  
"Good," came the reply in a kiss against his lips.  
  
Dean kissed back, wrapping his arms around Cas to hold him close.  
  
Castiel wrapped one arm around Dean's neck and let the other hand trail down his chest. Goosebumps rose like Braille beneath his rough fingertips, fingertips that stopped at Dean's nipple right under a star tattoo with sun rays. An anti-possession symbol, an old family tradition. Pinching the nipple between his fingers, Cas twisted teasingly until it was just as hard as Dean's breathing. The brunet shucked his shirt off again and his scars reflected white in the faint light of his room and his skin clung loosely to his bones, but his heart felt so very alive.  
  
"Cas, where the hell did you learn all this?" Dean breathed as he stared at Cas.  
  
"Learn what?" He kissed a line down Dean's neck and bit into the sensitive spot behind his collar bone. His companion jumped and grabbed Cas' hips, building up momentum against them.  
  
" _That!"_  Dean said and closed his eyes. He began trailing his hands up and down Cas' thighs gently.  
  
"I'm not sure what you're referring to, Dean. I'm merely aware of what your body wants," Castiel rebutted. He shaped his hands into claws and scratched torturously down Dean's abdomen, leaving behind thin red lines.  
  
"Fuck!" Dean gasped as he watched Cas, moaning a little. "But how do you know?" he asked a little breathlessly.  
  
"Because I know you. I was subjected to watching Miss Braden constantly have her hands on you, so I studied your facial expressions to her advances. I couple that with the fact that I just _know_  you and your wants and needs," Castiel explained. He bent in half and his tongue traced a wet stripe from Dean's waistline to his lips as his hand ran side to side right beneath Dean's underwear band.  
  
Dean found himself gasping again. "Cas, that's not fair, I have no idea what turns you on."  
  
"Neither do I," Cas confessed as he nibbled Dean's earlobe. "I haven't ever bothered with the task of pleasuring myself because it hurt too much to know it wasn't you doing it to me."  
  
"What about the guy you dated?" Dean asked quietly, properly ruining the moment.  
  
Castiel pulled away and gazed longingly into the green abyss of Dean's eyes. "He wasn't you. He was never you. I dated him because, yes, I liked him, but we didn't last because he wasn't you. Balthazar knew his place when it came to you. I never felt sexual attraction to him, but when you're around, I want to make you stark naked," Cas let the words fall off his tongue before he clammed up. "Balthazar doesn't matter anymore, Dean. He was one of my friends, one of my best, but that's all now. We've both agreed to attempt a friendship again. But compared to you, he's a light bulb and you're the sun.  
  
Dean pressed forward and caught Cas in a kiss. He slipped his tongue into the brunet's hot mouth, hands going back to his hips. Dean knew it wouldn't be long until he was hard again.  
  
Cas smiled inwardly at Dean's eagerness for intimacy. He undid his legs from either side of Dean's and wrapped them around Dean's waist instead, effectively lessening the distance between their crotches. The boy he was straddling was beginning to buck upwards to meet Castiel's hips.  
  
Dean placed a hand on his thin stomach and pulled away from the kiss to press kisses along the place where shoulder meets neck.  
  
The kisses were akin to grape-sized butterflies landing on his fair skin. "Mmm," Cas moaned softly at them. Dean bit down gently, sucking the skin as he did. He trailed one of his hands up to tangle in Cas' hair. This was blissful. Castiel rolled his head to the other side, offering Dean more of his neck to ravage. A low moan escaped his chapped lips again. Dean kissed and nipped his way to the other side of Cas' neck and ran his fingers through Cas' hair a few times as he did, making the blue eyed boy smile. Cas' eyelids fell heavily and his heart rate increased as Dean brought a hand up from his jean clad thigh and began kneading Cas' skin around his stomach. Dean's touch was driving him crazy and he wanted to scream. He was a shit person, he didn't deserve Dean. Dean with the magic green eyes and plump lips and strong arms. As though Dean might slip away, Castiel clung tighter to his naked upper half.  
  
Dean made a hickey on the other side of Cas' neck, the hand on his stomach coming up even further to rub his chest until his fingers raked over Cas' nipple. He pinched it between his fingers as he pulled the dark hair already between his fingers on his other hand.  
  
"That's my job," Castiel complained huskily. He stretched his arms high above his head, the sunlight making his left arm appear to have canyons of rubies inlaid in them. Cas caught Dean staring up at him and he winked at him. "Hey."  
  
Dean blushed a little, but it didn't stop him from staring at him or leaning in and kissing along Cas' collarbone.  
  
Dean's lips felt warm against Cas' always cold skin and it was a marvelous sensation. He wrapped his hands in the older boy's hair and tugged it upwards. They met with open mouths and hot tongues brushing against each other. Castiel licked into Dean's mouth, running his tongue along the inside of his front teeth and lip, making Dean whimper around the kiss and the sound jolted Cas' spine. Between his legs, he could feel Dean's bulge digging into his thigh. He trailed his hand down from Dean's tattoo and palmed him through his jeans.  
  
Dean moaned softly into their kiss, his hips getting a mind of their own and bucking into Cas' hand. He felt like they should be feeling each other, but Cas wasn't hard. Just like earlier. Maybe it was just... Dean didn't have time to think about it because Cas rubbed even harder and it made Dean whimper.  
  
"You're cute," Castiel smirked as he worked his hand harder and quicker up and down Dean's length. He reached both hands down then. With his left, he continued to stroke Dean as he rocked into his palm, and with his right, he undid the blond's jeans.  
  
Dean blushed in response. Yeah... Cas was definitely the top. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' waist and hid in his neck to keep kissing there.  
  
"Look at that, an adorable blush," Cas cooed, sucking a hickey on Dean's chest. He casually slipped his fingers into Dean's boxers and very gently pulling at his pubic hair.  
  
Dean whined a little, unsure how Cas would know he liked that if _he_ didn't even know.  
  
"Told you I know what your body wants, _mon_ _jouet_ ," Cas grinned smugly ans his fingers found themselves curled around Dean's erection.  
  
Dean let out a low moan, biting Cas' neck to try to quiet himself.  
  
"I can still hear your noises through my skin, ya know. Just let it out, _cantar_ _para mí_ ," Castiel growled as he ran his fingers up and down the throbbing flesh. Dean whimpered and pulled his mouth away, head on Cas' shoulder.  
  
"Good boy."  
  
"Cas..." Dean breathed, closing his eyes.  
  
"Yes, Dean?" the brunet purred as he lifted himself above Dean's lap a little more and tugged the blond's jeans down to his shins. Now Dean was completely exposed, save the pants and boxers wrapped around his ankles. Castiel worked his fist at an incredibly slow speed up and down Dean's thick cock. Much to his delight, he'd reduced the boy beneath him to a whimpering, shaking mess.  
  
Dean's hands were behind him on the bed, barely holding him up as he bit his lip and moaned, fighting his body to stay under control.  
  
"What were you saying?" Cas teased. He pulled at the hair around the base of Dean's erection while his other hand rolled its thumb over the swollen head. Dean had begun leaking precum, and Castiel smeared it over the slit, rasing his finger for a moment to lick some off, stealing a wonderfully explicit moan from Dean at the erotic sight.  
  
"Cas... I'm a talker, and I don't want your... your sister to walk in," Dean said in a breathy voice with his eyes closed.  
  
"She's not going to walk in, I took the liberty of locking the door," Cas laughed. Dean was crumbling. Cas leaned into him until their lips brushed each other's ears, "Whisper to me then." In his ear, Dean's breath halted and he moaned as he thrusted into Castiel's hand, causing the evil smile that snuck across Cas' face.  
  
"Fuck, Cas, please..." Dean shook his head.  
  
Castiel pulled away and stared into Dean's eyes with his eyebrows raised. Those green eyes were dilated and large, egging Castiel on more as he stroked him faster. "Please what?"  
  
Dean arched his back, falling back onto his elbows. "Faster, please."  
  
"Only," Castiel removed his hands from Dean and instead traced lines down the insides of his thighs, "if you stop caging your reaction."  
  
"I'm not," Dean whined and closed his eyes.  
  
"You told me you were," Castiel chided. "What what is it? Are you a liar?" He ghosted his fingers along Dean's cock but never touched it. Dean bit his lip and looked at Cas pleadingly.  
  
"I'm not now, Cas, please stop teasing me," Dean whimpered.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't like it."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Cas, stop."  
  
"Make me."  
  
Dean was getting a little frustrated. He growled, grabbing Cas' small body and threw him on the bed on his back, then straddled his thighs. "Stop."  
  
"I said," Castiel panted and enunciated his words, "Make. Me."  
  
"Do you want me to kiss you again? Or shove my cock in your mouth, hm?"  
  
Castiel smirked at the boy on his lap. "I don't know, Dean." He ran his finger up Dean's leaking cock that hung over his pelvis, making the older boy's back arch and shake.  
  
Dean smacked Cas' hand away. "Don't touch," he growled. He wrapped his own hand around his cock and stroked it.  
  
"Aw, did you finally get tired of me?" Cas winked. He thoroughly enjoyed torturing his boyfriend who was normally unbreakable. Castiel watched as Dean pushed in and out if his own hand, a drop of precum splashing Cas' stomach. Dean rolled his eyes, a hint of a smile on his face. He stroked faster, closing his eyes and moaning deep in his throat. The blond looked amazing from where Cas lay beneath him. The sunlight through his blinds made Dean's tan skin glow and his hair look golden brown. The muscles on his stomach and arms from years of football and working out were highlighted in the the sun beams. Castiel watched intently as his friend panted and fisted his cock harder.  
  
"You wanna taste?" Dean asked after a moment.  
  
"No," Castiel said blatantly. Dean's eyes flew open and looked down at him.  
  
"Suit yourself because you're not allowed to touch," Dean shrugged as he stroked.  
  
"Fine," Cas laughed. He liked the way they bantered even though they were mostly naked-- okay, _he_  was mostly naked, Dean, having kicked off his lower garments from around his ankles, was completely nude.  
  
Dean smiled a little, leaning down to kiss him. Cas pushed himself up and met Dean's lips. They were dry, but warm and sweet. Their mouths merged together with saliva and tongues for a heated moment, then Dean pulled away, starting to stroke himself again. "You gonna be a good boy and not tease?"  
  
"And what if I don't?"

"Well, you should."

"You talk like it's my job."

  
"It's not, I'm just saying. I just want your hands on me, making me cum," Dean whispered from his position above the brunet. "Too much to ask?"  
  
"Maybe it is," Castiel grinned like the Cheshire Cat. Dean was asking him to make him cum even though Castiel had defied him at every turn. _That_  was power. "Or maybe not," he said as he grabbed the erection in front of him and began sliding his hand up and down, slicking up his hand with the precum that was dripping from the head. Dean placed his hands behind him, and held onto Cas' thighs tightly. Castiel pressed gently against the shaft of Dean's cock, drawing out small moans from the boy. He made a tight circle of his fingers and pushed it over the head. Dean gasped and his grip on Cas' thighs tightened.  
  
"Feels so good, Cas," Dean moaned low in his throat.  
  
"I know," he replied with a shade of laughter in his voice. Dean rolled his hips into Castiel's hand while Cas' other hand massaged his balls. Dean dug his fingers into Cas' legs so hard, he knew he'd have bruises later, but it felt so good. Having the blond in his hand, on top of him, in his room felt so, _so_ wonderful. Castiel smiled. Dean was happy. Suddenly, his mind betrayed him: Dean had a lot of experience, there were many girls willing to do this for him, what if Cas wasn't enough? "Am I doing an acceptable job?" a very self conscious Castiel asked.  
  
"There's precum all over your stomach, Cas, of course you are."  
  
"Are you sure?" Cas asked. His minutes of being confident vanished, leaving a boy who wanted-- no, _needed-_ \- validation.  
  
"Keep stroking, Cas, I'll show you how much I like it."  
  
Whatever that meant, it intrigued Castiel. He nodded silently and picked up the pace. The sound of wet skin and friction, Dean's moans and incoherent words of encouragement filled Castiel's ears.  
  
Dean was close and he knew it. He could feel the fire burning in his gut, the way his balls tightened and lifted in anticipation of a release. "M'close," he mumbled.  
  
"Close?" Castiel squinted. "Close to what?"  
  
"Cumming," Dean breathed.  
  
"Oh," was all Cas said. He wanted that, he wanted that very much.  
  
"Go a little faster, okay?" Dean whimpered a little.  
  
"Okay," Castiel breathed. His hand sped up, slicked with Dean's precum as he friction built up, Dean's hips moved faster and his breathing rate increased. Cas bit his lip and caught Dean's eyes with his own.  
  
Dean watched him, biting his lip as they looked at each other. It was intense and so hot. He came moments later, eyes closing tight as he gripped Cas' thighs.  
  
Dean erupted on Castiel's stomach, the white substance coating his abdomen. Cas' heart rate sped up as Dean came with his head thrown back and his back arching so severely that Cas feared his spine might break.  
  
Once Dean calmed down, he rolled over on his back beside Cas. "Oh my god."  
  
"I am not your God, Dean," Castiel said, confused. He turned onto his side and kissed Dean's temple.  
  
"Maybe one day," Dean giggled. "Want me to get a towel and clean you off?"  
  
"I was considering showering because I would still smell like this," Castiel said, gesturing to the sticky substance on his skin as he got up off the bed. "Care to join me?"  
  
Dean got up and took Cas' hand, kissing the back of it. "Of course."  
  
Cas walked towards the bathroom, his socks padding against the hardwood floor. They stepped into the bathroom and closed the door. Dean stood behind him and casually slid his hands down Cas' thin stomach down to his pants button. Castiel grew ridged: no one had ever touched him like that before.  
  
"Relax, okay?" Dean whispered and kissed behind his ear gently.  
  
"O-okay," Castiel breathed out shakily. Dean's calloused hands spread across the front of Castiel's pants and his fingers began unbuttoning.  
  
Dean peppered his neck with soft kisses as he unzipped Cas' pants, sliding them down. Once Cas stepped out if them, he pressed his nose in his neck. "You okay?"  
  
"Y-yeah," came the shaky voice again. "Yeah, I t-think so," said Cas as Dean moved to his boxers.  
  
"Do you need me to stop?" Dean whispered quietly.  
  
Castiel shook his head no. "I like when you touch me," he responded truthfully, if not more than a bit flustered at the situation. Dean smiled against his neck, hooked his fingers into the elastic of Cas' boxers, and began to pull them down the younger boy's legs.  
  
Dean gently kissed Cas' neck with open mouthed kisses, eyes trailing down his frail body to watch himself take off the boxers. Once his cock was exposed, Dean hummed in content. He waited until Cas kicked them to the side with his pants and turned him around to take a good look at him. Cas was still a blushing mess, but Dean didn't mind. He only smiled and took his hand to kiss the inside of his wrist gently. "You're so beautiful, Cas," he said softly, bright green eyes looking up to blue ones.  
  
"T-thank you, Dean," Castiel stuttered as his face exuded what resembled the heat of the Sun. "S-sorry for being s-so n-ervous. N-no one has e-ever seen me this v-vulnerable," the naked boy's words tripped out of his mouth. He bit his lip as Dean shamelessly raked his eyes over Cas' paper thin figure.  
  
Dean knew it might make things even worse, but he had to give it a shot. He gently pulled Cas close, their flaccid cocks pressing together as Dean kissed him slow and gently. He let his hands settle on bony hips as his lips massaged against chapped ones.  
  
Dean's lips felt warmer than ever to a scared Castiel, and they comforted him down to his core. His tense body relaxed little by little as their bodies pressed against each other, not in want or desire, but in love and understanding. Cas' chest rose and fell in rhythm with Dean's and he titled his head up to meet the other pair of lips in a deeper kiss.  
  
Dean hummed softly, vibrating deep in his chest. He swiped his tongue along Cas' lower lip, and he let him in his warm mouth with ease. Dean held Cas closer, the frail body fitting against him perfectly.  
  
Castiel's body was on fire. Dean had one hand on his lower back, making Cas arch up into their embrace, the other hand was cupped around Cas' hip and drawing him closer as though it were humanly possible. They'd only been together for a day, what were they _doing_? Then Cas answered his own question with logic: they had loved each other for years and were now finally honest enough to be together. That reminder caused Castiel to wind one hand up into Dean's hair and the other around his waist.  
  
Dean didn't focus on any sexual aspect of what they were doing. It felt like love and happiness and like everything was finally the way he'd wanted it to be for years now. He pulled away from the kiss a little, their lips still touching and they were both breathing a little harder than they were before. "I love you," Dean whispered with closed eyes.  
  
"I love you, too," Cas breathed against Dean's mouth. He stepped towards the shower behind him and twisted out of Dean's embraced. Castiel bent over and turned the knob to hot, waiting for the water to heat up.  
  
Dean blushed a little when Cas bent over, turning his head so it seemed like he was casually looking around the bathroom. He would have given him a little pat on his bottom, but there's a chance Cas wouldn't like that, so he didn't take the chance  
  
Castiel stood up at the sound of awkward shuffling coming from behind him. He turned to see the taller boy gazing up at the corner of the ceiling with a bright red blush threatening to overtake his cheeks. "Dean, why are you blushing?"  
  
"Dammit," Dean mumbled and turned his head to slowly face Cas. "I dunno," he shrugged a little  
  
Castiel's forefinger and thumb caught Dean's chin and lower his gaze until their eyes met. "Were you staring at my ass, Winchester?" Cas grinned as Dean's freckles completely disappeared.  
  
Dean groaned, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and immediately hid in Cas' shoulder. "Maybe..."  
  
"You are very endearing," Castiel smiled into Dean's hair. "You are allowed to, I suppose, I'm yours after all," he said definitively.  
  
Dean couldn't help but grin at that, kissing Cas' shoulder. "That's right."  
  
"And you are mine," Cas smirked. He playfully pushed Dean away and stepped into the shower. The water was near scalding, instantly turning his skin red and steamy. Castiel was accustomed to this temperature water as he had used it this way for years. It first started out as a punishment for himself on days when he'd been bad, then became a treat, something relaxing.  
  
Dean went to get in behind Cas, but the second he felt the water, he flinched and hurried to back up. "I'm not getting in."  
  
"Why not?" Cas cocked his head to the side in confusion. "It feels good."  
  
"It stings my skin," Dean frowned as he looked down at the red mark on his skin. "And yours," he said as he eyes Cas' already red, aggravated  looking skin.  
  
Worry crossed Castiel's face at the thought of Dean being hurt. "I do apologize," he said quickly as he turned the knob more to the cold side. Now it was too cold for Cas, but he  didn't complain. "It doesn't hurt my skin," he added as Dean stepped in behind him.  
  
It was a little hot still, but it felt nice instead of hurting him. "Not anymore, I'm sure," Dean said quietly as he wrapped his arms around Cas' waist.  
  
"It didn't hurt when I first got in," Castiel replied, held close to Dean's chest from behind. The water ran over their naked bodies and it felt safe.  
  
"I meant when you first did it, probably a while ago," Dean said quietly, his hair getting damp as he nuzzled into Cas' neck.  
  
"That doesn't matter," Cas said. He reached in front of him to the white shampoo kept on one of the small shelves. Squeezing some into his hand, Castiel turned around in Dean's slippery arms and asked, "Do you want me to wash your hair?"  
  
Dean smiled softly as he nodded. "I'd love that."  
  
Cas nodded solemnly, raising his hands into Dean's wet hair. Dean closed his eyes as Castiel hummed that stupid Kansas song and massaged his fingers against the blond's scalp. Castiel dragged his fingernails gently from front to back on Dean's head and worked the shampoo into his hair with his fingertips. Suds rolled down onto his hands, covering them with white foam and bubbles.  
  
Dean was humming and making small noises, loving all the affection from Cas, it was something he'd needed for so long. "Still remember that song?" he whispered.  
  
"Of course I remember it. You sang it to me when I was sad and vise versa. It was the only thing I had left of you when you left, except for your old shirt," Castiel replied, his voice snagging on emotion. "This may be rather morbid, but my first attempt after you left, that was playing on repeat. It made me closer to you."  
  
Dean smiled faded away and he brought his hands up to cup Cas' jaw. "I don't want you to ever have to even think about that again, okay?"  
  
Cas didn't like being the reason Dean's face fell. "No, smile again. Please smile," he choked.  
  
"Cas," Dean said seriously, seemingly not hearing a word Cas said as he stared into his big blue eyes.  
  
"Please," and then there were tears coming from Castiel.  
  
Dean wiped away his tears with his thumbs, kissing his nose. "Don't cry, Cas, I don't like seeing you so upset," he said gently.  
  
"Stop, stop," Castiel lightly shooed Dean's hands away, "I need to finish your hair." His fingers began working again as his vision grew blurry.  
  
"Cas," Dean gently guided Cas' hands away and kissed him softly. "I need you to calm down okay?"  
  
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I just," pause, sigh, whimper, "I just want you to be happy and I keep making you sad." Castiel twisted his wrists out of Dean's hands and brought them back up to his hair. "Now let me finish, then we can talk some more."  
  
"Okay," Dean whispered, closing his eyes again. He let his hands slide down to Cas' hips to hold them gently.  
  
"Thank you, Dean," Castiel murmured as he finished his hair. His soapy hands grabbed Dean's shoulder and directed him under the steady stream of water. Cas began to rinse his boyfriend's hair, scrubbing until all the soap had vanished down the drain. Cas squeezed the shampoo bottle into his hand and raised his hands to his own hair.  
  
Dean snatched the bottle away with a smile. "It's your turn," he grinned and squeezed soap into his own palm. "Sammy used to beg me to wash his hair, you're going to love this."  
  
Cas laughed, his tears clearing up. He and Dean moved around each other until they'd switched spots. Dean's hands were in his hair then, and it felt so good...  
  
Dean smiled and slid in fingers through Cas' hair a few times before he started to massage in the soap. His fingertips worked at his scalp vigorously before going back to a slow pace. Dean chuckled and kissed his nose. "You sound like a kitten."  
  
"Shhhh," Cas giggled. He opened his eyes and was met with a smile on his Dean's face, green eyes crinkled at the corners and everything, making Castiel light up with happiness that his human was joyful.  
  
Dean kissed him softly before nudging him a little. "Eyes closed, kitten, I gotta finish washing your hair." At this point, the rumble in Castiel's chest and throat was not unlike a purr at all. He nuzzled Dean's hand and closed his eyes, letting the water and Dean's finger wash over him. Dean smiled as he worked his fingers into Cas' scalp, loving how adorable, and a little sexy, he looked right now.  
  
Cas' built up anxiety from a few minutes ago flowed out of him, the water spraying on his face and Dean being so intimate with him. Hell, anyone can give another person a handjob, but it's love when you shower together and take care of each other. For now, Cas was content with Dean, glad to have forgotten for the time being about their earlier conversation.  
  
"I want you to always look his content," Dean whispered softly as he ran his fingers through Cas' hair. "Even if I have to do this twelve times a day," Dean grinned and gently moved him under the water to wash the soap out.  
  
" _Would_  you do it twelve times a day, Dean?"  
  
"Of course," Dean said sincerely, running his fingers through Cas' hair so the soap would be gone from his hands too. "Anything for you, Cas."  
  
Cas beamed. This was good and perfect and right. This made up for every day he suffered alone, every day that he only had the memory of a song to hold onto. Dean made up for that. Maybe Castiel _could_  start eating again, just maybe. "Anything?" he teased.

"Anything. Even take shots every day so that you can have a cat."

That statement made Cas' brow furrow as Dean rinsed the last if the shampoo out. "I don't want you to have to do that."  
  
"I know, but what if I have to go somewhere or I can't come over? You'll have the cat."  
  
"Can I give the shots to you then?" Castiel asked after a moment of thought. "In my experience, pain is easier to take when not self-administered."  
  
Dean thought about it, his hands slipping from Cas' now clean hair to get the soap and sponge. "I guess I wouldn't mind that."  
  
"That's good. I wouldn't take pleasure in hurting you, I'd just prefer if you were not subjected to do it to yourself," Cas felt the need to explain. Dean was pouring body wash onto his sponge now.  
  
"It probably wouldn't hurt," Dean shrugged and started washing Cas' shoulders and neck.  
  
A gentle gasp came from Castiel before he could silence it and Dean looked up at his with questioning eyes. "S-sorry. Still haven't quite g-gotten used to people t-touching me," Cas blushed.  
  
Dean took one of Cas' hands in his free one. "It's just me, okay?" He said softly before continuing.  
  
"Yeah, o-okay," he submitted. "J-just, be careful w-with my arm," he said as he warped his fingers tighter around Dean's.  
  
Shit. Dean didn't know how to clean those. He'd cleaned Sammy and himself up a few times, but this was different. He just avoided them, sponge not over them once. Dean nodded without saying anything, eyes flickering up to Cas' then down between the sponge and his scars. He eyed the new cuts and wondered how that would go.  
  
"Put your hand beneath mine, Dean," Cas directed and Dean's hand was placed on top of the sponge. "This is going to hurt like a bitch, but you can't pull away." Dean's widen in defense. "Don't look at me like that, I'd just rather they don't get infected because then if have to go to a hospital," Castiel defended himself against those green eyes.  
  
"I-... it's different when it's Sammy, Cas. I don't know if I can do this. I don't wanna hurt you," Dean frowned and looked up at Cas.  
  
"Alright, then don't. But you need to watch," Cas compromised, not wanting to push Dean away.  
  
Dean let out a sigh of relief and nodded, taking his hand away from the sponge, but still held onto his fingers. "Next time, maybe, okay?"  
  
"When you're ready," Cas whispered sincerely. He tucked his bottom lip between his teeth, already knowing he might scream at the pain. Cas raised a shaking sponge and quickly pressed it to the cuts. He hissed in pain and his knuckles went white around Dean's. Using a thin part of the sponge, Castiel pressed it across each cut, tears streaming down his face. The now light pink foam slithered down the drain as he cried and Dean stared in disbelief.  
  
"Cas... oh, baby," Dean said after a moment and frowned a little. He reached up with his other hand and wiped away his tears. "Shh, baby," Dean tried to soothe him.  
  
Cas dropped the sponge and leaned into Dean with his arms wrapped in a very loose circle around the blond's waist. "Y-you only call the I-impala 'baby'," Castiel chuckled half-heartedly.  
  
Dean laughed a little and kissed him softly. "Well, the two of you can both have it." His arms were around Cas' shoulders and then he started running his hands through his hair.  
  
"I'm f-fine, let me w-wash this blood-d out first, then I'll do y-you," Castiel provided. "That is, if you're done."  
  
"No, I don't want anymore soap going near those. Are we going to bandage them up?" Dean asked quietly.  
  
"You need to finish your shower though, Dean, as do I," Castiel countered. "Yes, I suppose we can bandage them. I've never done that before, just covered them with shirt," he added as an answer to Dean's question.  
  
Dean frowned a little. "I really don't want soap to get in your cuts, Cas..." he sighed a little.  
  
"They're fine, Dean. I've done this countless times," Castiel tried to reassure him but seemed to be having the opposite effect.  
  
"That's even worse," Dean sighed. "We're only washing your lower half, got it? And then you're getting out so I can shower so I don't get soap in those."  
  
"You don't get to boss me around, Winchester," Castiel said firmly. "I'm all for the first part, but I will return the favour when you're finished."  
  
"If a drop of soap gets anywhere near those cuts..." Dean trailed off and huffed a little, crossing his arms.  
  
Cas didn't like to see his human so flustered. "Hey," he kissed Dean's temple. "I'm fine," he kissed his forehead. "No more pain," he brushed his nose back and forth with Dean's in an Eskimo kiss. "All better, see?" Cas smiled at him. "C'mon, weren't you going to cleanse me?" He handed the sponge to Dean who'd finally decided to cooperate.  
  
Dean sighed a little, but smiled afterwards. "Can I have more Eskimo kisses?" He blushed a little.  
  
Cas smiles wide and brushed their noses together again, "Anytime."  
  
Dean giggled a little and rested his forehead against Cas'.  
  
"Hello, Dean."  
  
"Hey, Cas," Dean grinned.  
  
"Where you going to clean me anytime soon?"  
  
"Oh yeah," Dean kept the grin on his face and carefully dropped down to his knees in front of Cas, letting go of his hand.  
  
Castiel looked down at the most perfect boy he'd ever seen. The water was hitting Dean's back and spraying off onto the walls and curtain. His hair was matted against his head from the shower and it was, in Cas' opinion, nearly painfully endearing. Dean began working in Cas' feet first, running the sponge over the tops and bottoms.  
  
Dean bit his lip a little. This was the most intimate he'd ever been with anyone and it made his stomach fill up with butterflies. He glanced up at Cas when he was done before starting on his legs.  
  
The loofah felt soft against Castiel's skin. He hadn't cared enough to give himself a real shower over the past month, just a hair washing every two days or so, but this felt nice. Dean worked his way up to Cas' thighs and panic gripped his heart. "Here, I can get it," Cas scrambled for the sponge. Dean couldn't see the scars in his hip bone, he _couldn't_.  
  
Dean put the sponge down by his own thighs so Cas couldn't get it. "I got it, why are you so anxious all of a sudden?"  
  
"'S nothing," Castiel muttered as he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.  
  
"You lying to me?" Dean raised an eyebrow as he looked up at Cas.  
  
Could he really blatantly lie to Dean? Was that humanly possible for him? Slowly, Cas shook his head.  
  
"You're being honest? You have nothing to hide? You just... randomly got anxious?" Dean asked to make sure.  
  
"Y-yeah," Cas let out in a shaky breath, part of him hoping Dean would take the bait, the other part hoping he knew better.  
  
Dean was a little hurt-- did Cas think Dean was that stupid? "Cas, I'm not a fucking idiot," he mumbled as he looked down at the sponge.  
  
That dove deep into Castiel's heart and was lodged there. He slowly sunk to his knees in front of Dean, joining him on the tiled floor. "I know you're not," Cas said, biting his lip and reaching to touch Dean's face.  
  
Dean leaned into his hands, sighing softly. "Just tell me, Cas," he whispered.  
  
"I don't think that's a wise idea..."  
  
"I thought we were doing 'no more lies'..." Dean bit his lip for the millionth time that day.  
  
"It isn't a lie, just something I'm... protective of. I'm getting it removed when I can," Castiel rambled.  
  
"You have a tattoo?" Dean raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Not exactly," Castiel curses himself for that last bit of information.  
  
"Cas," Dean frowned. "Please."  
  
Tears began streaming from Cas' eyes. "Please don't leave me please don't be scared away please you're the only thing I have please I love you I need you just please don't be mad or disappointed or worse don't laugh at me I'm sorry," Castiel sobbed out in one breath. He stood up and closed his eyes, removing his hand from his hip to expose a one-inch-tall word written in scars, his skin had been the canvas, the paintbrush had been the knife. _Dean_.


	6. Night of the Blades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very sorry for the late update! I went camping and had a bunch of family over for a few days, so to make up for it, this chapter is somewhat longer than usual. It is full of of emotion and crying and whatnot. Triggers for suicidal thoughts and actions(cutting, pills and vodka). There is a ball of fluff and some very light smut.
> 
> Translations:  
> Ma armastan sind- Estonian for "I love you"
> 
> The other two translations are translated in the text, and if you don't already know "mi amor"...... Well, there is no hope for you

Dean wasn't mad at anyone except himself. It was all his fault. His. Own. Damn. Fault. His own green eyes shone with tears as he looked at the scars in his best friend's skin. His hands shook as he clutched the blood tinted sponge.  
  
Cas could see that Dean was shaking and about to cry, it was visible. Dean was mad at him. Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! Heavy sobs overtook the thin boy. "You're mad please don't be mad I can't be alone again please don't be mad at me I'll do anything I'm getting it removed when I can just please don't be mad."  
  
"Cas!" Dean said and shook up with shaky legs and shook his head. He held onto Cas' jaw and stared right into his eyes. In them were fear and sadness and nervousness and guilt and any and everything except anger. There were tears rolling down his cheeks. "Please," he whimpered.  
  
Cas' eyes widened at this unexpected turn of events. He thought Dean would be fuming. "Please w-what? I don't u-understand, Dean," he whispered in a voice fraught with tears and worry. The water was turning cool, they had been in the shower for so long talking about things and crying. Normally, Dean would say this was a chick-flick moment, but Cas guessed that the football player didn't mind around him.  
  
"Let's just... wanna talk about it from the bed, okay?" Dean whispered back, eyes once again finding his name carved into Cas' skin.  
  
"Okay, Dean. But I need to wash you first," Cas said so softly that he could barely heard himself over the sound of the water. He stooped down and picked up the loofah that had been abandoned. Castiel motioned with his finger for Dean to turn around. Dean turned around for Cas without saying anything, sighing a little. "Don't sigh at me, you need to be clean too." Then came the soft scrubbing against Dean's back. Cas rubbed the sponge in circles up and down the length of his spine and the flesh around it. He thought he heard something of a satisfied whimper from the other boy, but he wasn't sure.  
  
Dean bit his lip, feeling like he needed something to hold onto. Everything Cas did to him felt so good, but he still couldn't stop thinking about the mark. The boy who put it there was the same one who stood and washed Dean through his own tears, the one who always forgave his no matter what he did, the one who loved him unconditionally-- the one Dean wasn't worthy of.

Castiel finished scrubbing the backs of Dean's arms, then placed a guiding hand on his stomach to turn him back towards Cas. Castiel rubbed the lather onto every bit of the expanse of skin stretched across Dean's abdomen and arms. He knelt down at his feet and began to clean Dean's feet and legs. Cas awkwardly handed Dean the loofah when he got up to his genital area, not certain Dean would want him to wash there.  
  
Dean was so relaxed that he just took it without question, offering a hand to help Cas up.  
  
"I-I'm going to get o-out now, I'll l-let you finish up in h-here," Cas mumbled with his eye trained on the floor. He stepped out of the shower and grabbed his towel.  
  
Dean sighed and finished up quickly, stepping out and turning the water off minutes later. "Cas... I need a towel and clean clothes," he said quietly.  
  
"Oh, r-right," Castiel said as he wrapped his towel around his waist and headed out the door. He walked to the hall closet and retrieved a cream coloured towel for his friend.  
  
"Did I make you upset?" Dean asked as he took the towel.  
  
"N-no, no, l just," the brunet stammered. Dean looked at him with round eyes. "I just am waiting for you to be m-mad," confessed the youngest Novak.  
  
Dean shook his head and sighed a little. "It's not going to happen."  
  
This truly surprised Castiel. "R-really??" He asked with his head cocked to the side and his eyes squinted. Remembering that Dean needed clothes, Cas raised a finger in a hold-that-thought motion and went to grab the AC/DC shirt from his room. "And I don't h-have any pants that will fit you, you're a size b-bigger than me in e-everything," Castiel explained as he threw the shirt in Dean's direction.  
  
Dean took the shirt and looked at it for a moment before nodded. "Boxers?"  
  
"Still too s-small for you, I believe, but you can t-try them if you w-wish," Castiel called as he walked back into his bedroom to grab a pair. Walking back into the bathroom, he was greeted with the sight of Dean in the AC/DC shirt and attempting to smooth out his wild hair. Cas threw a hand over his mouth to keep from giggling.  
  
Dean looked up at Cas and blushed, taking the boxers. "Thanks," he mumbled.  
  
"You're c-cute," Castiel struggled to say without letting his voice shake.  
  
"Cas, what's wrong?" Dean asked softly.  
  
"You s-should know after what just happened-d," Cas whispered.  
  
Dean nodded knowingly. "Let's lay down and we can talk."  
  
"I'm n-not clothed-d yet," Cas pointed out. He quickly pulled on a pair of boxers he'd grabbed when he got a pair for Dean, his dark blue sweater that matched his eyes, and a dark wash pair of jeans.  
  
"Cas, we're just laying down... Why are you dressed?"  
  
"Anna will be calling us to dinner soon, we've been showering for 20 minutes," Cas responded after checking the clock on his nightstand.  
  
"Actually, she probably already did. With what we did before, we already lost time," Dean shrugged.  
  
"Fuck," Cas spat, rubbing his temples. He strode over to the door and unlocked it. "Anna!" Castiel called.  
  
"Finally!" came the girl's reply.  
  
"We'll be there in 10 minutes, sister."  
  
"Cheeseburgers are getting cold!"  
  
Dean just laid there. He didn't have anything to wear. "I'll go home in my dirty clothes and come back." He felt so tired from everything that happened, he just wanted to sleep. He tugged on last night's clothes and ran his hands over his tan face.  
  
Cas stumbled over to the bed, the ends of his sleeves covering his hands that were pulled up to his chin. "Right now?" He asked as he scrambled onto his bed. He was desperate to hold Dean after what'd happened.  
  
"Yeah," Dean shrugged a little, watching Cas curiously.  
  
"But.... dinner....." Cas nearly whimpered. He was pathetic. Castiel crawled across the bed to Dean's side and curled up next to him.  
  
Dean sighed. "I said I would come back."  
  
"I know," Cas said quietly. "Wait, are you mad at me?"  
  
"No, I'm just tired Cas," Dean shook his head.  
  
"Of me?" came a fearful question.  
  
"No, I'm actually tired. Emotionally tired."  
  
"Because of what happened in the shower?"

"Mostly that, yeah," Dean muttered. He couldn't handle this right now, with all the melodramatics and crying and confessions, he had to-- shit. This is the same attitude that pushed him away from Cas to begin with. He walked over to the window and pulled the blinds. Light flooded to room in an array of yellows and golds. Unlatching the window, he climbed out and dropped to the ground, trying to escape the feelings that had built up in that room. "I'll be back soon, twenty minutes, but I need to go, Cas. It's nothing you did."

Castiel sucked his bottom lip in and chewed on it with anxiety. He felt like he'd somehow upset Dean, most likely because of the name he'd made appear on his skin, even if Dean wouldn't admit it. He watched as the older boy walked down the street in day old clothes and then disappeared around a corner. Closing the window, Castiel turned and headed towards his bedroom door and down the hallway towards the smell of cheeseburgers. He entered the kitchen and dining room area to find Anna and Gabriel sitting at the round table and eating.

"Hey, baby bro," Gabriel said through a mouthful of burger.

"Gabriel! Manners," Anna chided. "Where's your friend, Castiel? Did he leave you again?"

Castiel's throat clenched up. He swallowed what felt like cotton balls and he looked down at his sock-clad feet. "Only for a little bit," he said quietly, walking to the counter to grab a cheeseburger for himself. Gabriel, he noticed, was already on his second one, so Cas slipped in a gentle reminder: "Save one for Dean."

Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rang and Cas jumped out of his seat. Anna reached the door before he did. "Hey, Winchester," she said as she flung the door open, arms crossed. "You came back this time, huh?"

Dean was holding a freshly baked pie and wearing a better attitude than he'd had when he left. His smile dipped slightly and the happy crinkles around his eyes faded, but he reasserted his grin. "Yes, yes I did,"" he answered in a tone that was meant to be reassuring, but Cas could easily see through it. He watched as Anna moved out of the way for his boyfriend and the blond walked to the dining room table. "Hey, Cas," the older boy said with a lopsided smile as he placed the pie on the counter.

"Hello, Dean," Castiel said quietly.

_"Oh heeeeey, Dean, we missed you!"_

Castiel screwed his blue eyes shut in frustration, trying and failing to block the voices out. He offered Dean a weak smile and proceeded to rise from his chair and pick up the delicious smelling pie, opening a drawer to grab two forks. The other half of his uneaten burger rested on the white plate in front of where he was sitting, turning cold as it lay untouched. He reached his hand out to Dean, stoic face returning when the other boy took it with a familiar look of a mixture of worry in his eyes. Nodding to Anna, Cas knew that she understood that the boys had many unresolved problems between them and needed time to sort them out, so they walked down the hallway to Cas' room.

"What?! I don't get any of that pie? Why are you so cruel, Cassie??" Gabriel cried from his seat, leaning back and pretending to die. 

Anna laughed and pushed Castiel's leftover burger to her brother. "Here. You can have what they don't eat of the pie, but until then, this'll have to satisfy you."

"Annnnnaaaaaaa, I'm not an animal! I need  _food_ , particularly  _sweet_ food!" Gabe complained loudly. Dean laughed under his breath at the man's reaction as he and Cas stepped through the doorway.

They walked to the bed together, the smell of apple pie drifting through the air behind them. Cas set the pie down on his nightstand and curled his feet beneath him as Dean sat down next to him, too far away to reach out and touch. "So, are you going to tell me about... you know..." Dean asked.

Castiel bit his lip and looked down at his hands in his lap. "What do you wish to know, Dean?"

"Why the  _hell_ is my name in your skin?"

Cas swallowed and closed his eyes. "Do you want the whole story or simply the reason?"

"Full story, Cas."

Fear and desperation washed over Castiel's mind like a tsunami overtaking an unassuming beach. "It was a week after I got out of the hospital. They thought I was okay to be let go and so did I and then I saw you. You were walking down a street-- I don't remember where-- and I wanted to call out to you so badly. I wanted to touch you again, to talk to you. I missed you enough that I felt your absence in my bones. I didn't call your name because I knew you didn't want me anymore, you didn't want to see or hear from me, so I respected that. Later that night though, I couldn't do it. I hurt too much and my pills weren't working and I was so alone and afraid. It was late and I couldn't think about anything except leaving."

_"C'mon, idiot, finish telling him how afraid you were that night."_

"I was laying down on my bed with my headphones on. It was loud, loud enough to drown out my own heartbeat that I wanted more than anything to stop. I wanted to claw it out of my chest with my bare hands just to make it stop its incessant pounding in my ears. I had a bottle of pills and vodka that I snuck from Gabriel. It was supposed to be easy, Dean, I wanted it to be easy! The Kansas song was playing on repeat like it always does when I'm about to die. Everyone in town was asleep and when they woke up, I wouldn't be there and nobody would care... you certainly wouldn't have. Anna and Gabriel would have been sad for a little while, but in the end, they would be relieved of their duty of taking care of me. They could be happy. Then for some reason, you were there with me in my head. It was all of our memories together and the song was playing and death wouldn't have been enough right then because I would have died with your name on my lips and times with you in my head and a yearning for you in my heart. I started sobbing. I craved you, more than anything, I wanted to live to possibly see you again. So I lay in bed and sang the s-song to myself," Cas began stuttering as emotion clogged his throat.

_"Tell him how you carved his name into your hip like a pathetic wimp. Tell him how you needed him so much. He'll be sick by the end of this sob story."_

"I sang until I ch-choked on my tears and my throat was r-raw. I was s-so c-cold. There was a knife next t-to the pill b-bottle. I needed blood to be visible. I tried for a few cut on my a-arms, but they... they weren't good enough. I needed to be closer to you and you were so f-far away. Your name was in my head, my heart, everywhere, s-so... so I put it in my s-skin too. It made me f-feel safe, l-like you were still w-with me," Castiel finished, eyes cast downwards and tears leaking from his eyes. He wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand, not daring to look up at Dean. He lay down with his back to Dean.

Dean hated himself. The pain in his chest was overwhelming and he couldn't see straight anymore. Cas had suffered more than he ever should have, yet he was still alive and loved Dean. Tears of anger and resentment had begun dripping down his cheeks before Cas had begun crying, now there were trails of water on his skin. He quickly wiped them away and reached a hand out to touch the other boy's shaking shoulder. "C-Cas?" No response. "Baby?" Still nothing. Dean dragged himself to Cas and pulled the younger boy to his chest, cradling him with one arm draped over his waist. "I'm sorry. I'm so s-sorry, baby. I love you so much and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I l-left you, I'm sorry that I f-fucked up, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm so glad you're alive, I w-would've been lost without you. I was lost for that y-year, you being completely gone would've been... would've been t-ten times worse." He held Cas close to him, exchanging body heat.

Cas squeezed his eyes shut as Dean's words painted his mind with a strong sense of protectiveness towards the older boy. He hadn't meant to make Dean cry, he was just answering his question truthfully. "I'm s-sorry," he choked.

"No, baby, it's o-okay. You're g-good," Dean stuttered. He squeezed Cas tighter and nuzzled his hair with his nose. He hated what he'd done to Cas, he hated that he was a large part of Cas's demise. "I'm so sorry I l-left you, I w-won't do it ever again." He thought for a moment before whispering a sob, "Don't r-remove it. If you don't w-want to, I don't care. I like that it's there to r-remind you-- to remind you to l-live."

 Castiel bit his lip and dug his nails into the palm of his hand. "S-so, you're not m-mad?"

"Do I s-sound mad, babe?"

The  brunet shook his head in response.

"E-everything's okay, Cas. You're o-okay," Dean whispered, slowly regaining control of his speech. He kissed Cas's newly washed hair and  ran his thumb up and down a small part of Cas's arm. The boy he held began to stop trembling and the wrecked sounds of his crying faded out to minuscule sniffles.

"Promsie?" came a broken voice from the younger boy.

Dean's lips twitched in an attempt at a smile. "Pinky promise." He offered his pinky, but Cas shifted himself over til he was facing the blond, then took the extended finger. His face was streaked with tears and snot, prompting Dean to wipe it clean with his shirt even though it was his clean one. "Everything's okay," he whispered. Cas looked up at him with watery blue eyes and then tilted his head up to press their lips together. They both tasted like salt and sadness.

Castiel's heart felt light. He'd been terribly afraid of Dean's reaction to his story that the comfort that he was given instead was nearly overwhelming. He calmed his breathing and moved his lips hungrily against Dean's. A desperate need for reassurance that things between them were in fact alright pushed him to kiss his boyfriend hard. Their teeth clashed together with uncomfortable clinking noises which neither of them registered completely due to the fact that their tongues were warm and wet against each other as their saliva was exchanged. Their lips moved in unison, Castiel's were begging to be loved and Dean's were making promises that he always would be. Everything tasted like salt and Cas almost began crying again at the sheer passion between them. Thank God that he had Dean Winchester.

Dean whimpered at the severity of the kiss. His blood was on fire, not from arousal, but from the joy of being here with his best friend. In his gut, Dean felt horrible for the grief he'd caused Cas, but  _God_ was he lucky to have the brunet. He pulled away from Cas's lips to kiss him on the forehead. "Can we forget about that now? I don't want to think about it ever again."

"That'll be rather hard, don't you think? My shirt _will_ come off around you," Castile pointed out in a tired voice.

"Any time aside from then," Dean chuckled half heartedly.

"Yes, we can, because I love you and things are okay now," Cas whispered. He held Dean's face gently in his hands as he caressed his cheeks. On the nightstand beside them, the pie lay untouched, but it didn't seem like either of them cared enough about it at the moment.

Dean closed his eyes and hummed softly at the contact between him and Cas. "I love you too, baby, and I'm never, _ever_ putting you through that again. I'm so sorry, Cas." He opened his eyes again and met Cas's bright blue ones. He could drown in those eyes and he wouldn't complain one bit. "You'll never have to be alone again."

 

 

A few days later, Cas sat on his bed, phone in hand. Dean had texted him five minutes ago, asking if he could come over with a surprise for him, now Castiel was anxious. They'd only been speaking again for a week, what if Dean's "surprise" was leaving him again?

_"Probably is, angel face."_

"Shut up," Cas growled. He'd taken to eating something and taking his pills every day, but his stomach was never filled and the voices still taunted him.

The kitten was... curious and Dean couldn't stop sneezing as it purred and nuzzled all over him. It was cute, to say the least. Blue eyes, black and white. And tiny. She was all over the car, seeming to be exploring Baby. "Calm down," Dean said as he pulled up with the kitten and a bag of medicine with the shots. He smiled as he knocked on the door, sneezing as he waited.

Hearing the knock, Cas jumped out if bed and half sprinted into the hallway. He opened the door for Dean and then saw what he had in his hands: a baby kitten. Cas' jaw dropped and he blinked for a moment. Then his mouth formed a grand smile as he hugged Dean tight. "Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou," he cried.

Dean chuckled, and the kitten made a little meow upon seeing her new owner. He moved her out of the way as he hugged Cas back, kissing his shoulder. "Anything for you."

"You're so sweet. She's perfect," Cas gushed. "You're perfect," he murmured against Dean's ear.

Dean sneezed and the kitten meowed, reaching for him. "Just give me my shot," he chuckled and kissed his shoulder again.

Castiel stepped away from Dean hurriedly and grabbed the needles and syringes. He carried them over to the kitchen counter, then pulled out a stringer and a bottle of the liquid that would help Dean. He pushed the needle into the liquid and slowly drew it out, sucking it up with the syringe. "Give me your arm," Cas instructed. He then placed the syringe on the counter and took out a cotton swab dipped in rubbing alcohol. Dean presented the soft part of his elbow to Castiel, allowing him to cleanse the area with the alcohol. "This might hurt," Cas said in a worried tone. He didn't want the cat if Dean had to do this every time he came over, but the blond had insisted.

Dean swallowed thickly, but nodded. "I trust you," he said softly as he held the purring kitten in the other hand. "He gave me some pills to take tomorrow so we don't have to always do this."

Castiel nodded and put the tip of the needle against Dean's skin. He pushed the top of the syringe down, hearing a hiss of pain come from the green eyed boy. "Shit," Cas muttered as he pulled the needle out and cleaned it off. He checked Dean's arm for any blood and upon finding that there was none, he kissed it very gently and embraced Dean's neck. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he apologized into Dean's jacket.

Dean sighed in relief when it was over and wrapped an arm tight around Cas. "It's okay baby, how about we cuddle with your kitten, hm?" He smiled softly as he watched them curiously. "Give her a name."

"Are you done sneezing?" Castiel asked anxiously.

Dean smirked and nodded, glancing at the kitten pawing at his arm. "I think your kitten wants to meet you."

Cas' face broke into the biggest smile he could produce. Dean handed the little ball of fluff to him and it curled up in his hands. It was so soft and small that Cas had to remind himself to breathe. It blinked it's large blue eyes up at him in awe of the male human. Castiel brought her up to eye level an squinted his eyes at her. The little thing squinted back, causing Dean to laugh. Dean already loved the two of them together, dragging Cas towards his bedroom with a grin. "Think she can sleep in your bed or will you have a bed for her?"

"She can sleep with me," Castiel replied eagerly, practically jumping up and down with excitement.

Dean chuckled as he laid down, pulling Cas and the kitten down next to him. He kissed Cas softly and smiled. "You're adorable."

"Thank you so much, Dean," Cas breathed. His fingers scratched his kitten's head as she softly purred, sending vibrations through his chest. "What should we name her?"

"I thought you'd have a good name," Dean shrugged as him and the kitten stared at each other. "She's yours."

"Jo," Castiel whispered in a nearly inaudible voice. Jo was their friend in freshman year and had remained Castiel's friend when he and Dean no longer spoke, but she had been killed in a car accident during sophomore year.

Dean's smile faltered but didn't fade; he missed her almost everyday. "Jo," he whispered as he looked up at Cas.

"You still miss her, too," Cas said reading Dean's eyes.

"Almost every time I breathe," Dean whispered and bit his lip.

"Me too," Cas said as he wiggled around until he was face to face with Dean. He could see the tears building up in his boyfriend's eyes; Dean loved Jo like a sister and had been closer to her that anyone else had.

The kitten, Jo, purred and crawled up to Dean's chest and settled there. He rubbed her back as he gave Cas a sad smile. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Then they were kissing, Dean's salty tears mixing with Castiel's own on their lips. Jo purred and fell down between them, their bodies warm walls. Cas brought his hand up to wipe Dean's tears away as their lips moved together. Dean smiled softly as he pulled away, laughing a little. "I'm okay," he wiped away Cas' tears too.

"No, you're not," Cas replied evenly, "just as I am not. Just as no one was okay after her." Dean's eyes flashed with something, he couldn't tell what. Dean nodded and looked away from Cas and down to Jo. He moved her, setting her on the floor so he could bury his face in his boyfriend's neck.

Cas carded his fingers gently through Dean's hair and whispered down to him, "You _are_ aware that it's perfectly acceptable to cry, correct? We've already done so much of that together anyway."

Dean nodded and hid in Cas' neck, holding him close. The kitten was on the floor, seemingly content with how quiet it was. "I know, but I've done it enough."

"Okay, Dean, if you believe so," Castiel said into his hair, brushing his fingers across his own lips in the process. He used his other hand to trail lines up and down Dean's spine, making the boy shiver and pull them closer together, as if it were possible.

Dean pressed close to Cas, nuzzling into his neck even more. "I love you," he whispered softly. He rubbed Cas' back gently. "And I'm okay cause you're right here."

"I've always been right here, mi amor," Cas said as they held each other in the silence of the room.

"I know baby," Dean closed his eyes and sighed softly. "I know."

"I like when you call me that," Castiel smiled into Dean's hair. He really did, his heart fluttered and it made his mind feel... squishy, if that was the right term for it.

"Yeah?" Dean grinned a little.

"Yeah," Cas confirmed. "I like pet names."

"Good, cause I like calling you the." Dean kissed his neck softly, humming a little.

Castiel nuzzled Dean as a shiver raced down his spine at the light kiss. "I like being with you."

"Just like, huh?" Dean whispered teasingly with a smile.

"Just like," Cas said thoughtfully, "like because I like you and I like susets and blueberries and cheeseburgers," he paused. Dean removed his head from Castiel's neck and looked quizzically at him. "And I _love_  Jo the Kitten and Gabriel and Anna and Sam," he continued. Dean still looked confused, so Castiel decided try to simplify what he was trying to say, "And I'm _in love_  with _you._  I don't think I can _love_  an experience the way I love my family or the way I love you." Cas could see that Dean was trying to process what he was trying to say. Dammit, Castiel had screwed up again. He wiggled downwards on the bed until he could bury his face in Dean's chest. "Sorry, I'm messing up. I can't say it right."

Dean was a little confused, but he still ran his fingers through Cas' hair to soothe him. "No you're not, baby," he said softly. He rubbed his neck gently. "I get it."

Cas sniffled, on the brink of tears. He got so frustrated when he couldn't say what he meant to, it was like the words eluded him on purpose. His head nodded against the soft fabric of Dean's clothes.

"Hey, what's going on up there? I get it," Dean asked as he tapped gently on Cas' temple. "Don't cry, baby, I _do_  know what you mean."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Cas chanted between halting breaths, trying to calm himself. His fists gripped Dean's shirt in annoyance at himself.

Dean bit his lip as he held Cas close, kissing the top of his head gently. "There's no way I'm going to love anything the way I love you, especially considering you are my first," Dean admitted quietly. Jo let out a little mewl from the floor and Dean smiled a little.

"First? First... what?"

"First love," Dean said quietly with a blush.

Castiel's sobs stopped momentarily as his brain tried to process this new information. "I t-thought you loved M-miss Braden," he hiccuped.

"Not really, man," Dean sighed and ran his fingers through Cas' hair. "It was always you, but I was just scared to admit it. And it's always going to be you."

"Really-y?"

"Yes, baby, really," Dean cupped Cas' face to bring it up yo his for a soft kiss.

Castiel's tears mixed with their lips and slipped onto his tongue. His salt water tears were warm against his taste buds and it made his kiss Dean deeper, trying to erase his own sadness. Dean hummed softly as they kissed, running his fingers through Cas' soft hair until his hand reached his neck and he massaged the back of it gently. Their tongues darted into each other's mouths as Castiel's hands unclasped Dean's shirt and slid one into the front of the shirt and the other into the dirty blond hair that shone like gold when in proper lighting.

Dean let his other hand trail down until it reached Cas' hipbone that wasn't as thin as it was the first day he came back, it made him happier than he could imagine. Dean's smile teased Cas into a giggle with their mouths still pressed together. The intimacy of laughing together made him crave Dean's touch even more, arching his back to meet the older boy's abdomen with his own. His fingers grabbed tighter at Dean's hair and their tongues swirled together, the pace increasing. Dean hummed as he kept kissing Cas, he really liked when Cas got his fingers into his hair to start pulling and tugging, it was kind of sexy. He let the hand on his hip trail under the back of his shirt to let his fingers dance up and down his spine. Castiel felt goosebumps race up his back as his own fingers raked gently down Dean's chest. He brought them back up and brushed them over Dean's hardening nipple, drawing a gasp from the blond. Dean pulled away from the kiss just enough to breathe, leaving their lips still touching.

"Cas..." he let out a shaky breath.

"Yes, Dean?"

"Do it again," Dean whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to Cas' lips. A wicked smirk graced Castiel's mouth and he worked his fingertips on circles around Dean's nipple, feeling goose flesh appear around the area. Dean let out another shaky breathe. "Fuck, baby..." He closed his eyes, letting his blonde head fall against the pillows.

"You appreciate this, Dean?" Cas half asked, half giggled. Dean was normally the "masculine" and in control, yet he was falling apart under Castiel's very fingertips.

"Hell yeah, love when you touch me like this," Dean said quietly, eyes opening so he could look up at Cas with slightly lips.

"Pekný chlapec," Castiel murmured into the space between their bare lips. The air curled around them like a cool blanket. Dean's breath shook as Cas ran his fingers across the nipple he'd left unattended.

"Hm?" Dean said a little confused.

"Slovakian for 'handsome boy'," Cas smiled, dragging his fingers down Dean's stomach and to his waist line. He slipped a finger into his waistband and ran it along the length of the fabric from hipbone to hipbone. Dean closed his eyes again, a tiny smile on his face. "I don't think we should be doing this in front of the kitten, it's like," Dean opened his eyes to look down at it pawing at the carpet, "our kid or something."

"You disappoint me greatly," Castiel scoffed, but he untangled himself from Dean anyway and moved a smidgen to the left, away from his boyfriend. Cas didn't want to make the boy uncomfortable.

Dean gave Cas a smile, not minding his little comment. "Stop being such a horny teenager, Cas," he grinned and kissed his jaw. "Maybe later tonight, yeah?"

" _I'm_  the horny teenager?" Cas replied indignantly, gesturing to the outline of Dean's cock pressing against his jeans. "I'm not the one with a, uh, _problem_ , Dean."

Dean bit his lip. "Do you want to take care of it?" He raised his eyebrow.

"I have no preference," Castiel shrugged.

Dean looked at him curiously, but didn't say anything as he nodded. "I'll just go to the bathroom."

"To 'take care' of it?" Cas asked and narrowed his eyes, a certain possessiveness in his voice. He didn't like the idea of Dean pleasuring himself without him, no, not letting Castiel pleasure him when he would be in the next room.

Dean raised an eyebrow. "You 'have no preference' so yeah, I'm going to go jack off in your bathroom."

Castiel sucked in his bottom lip between his teeth. He felt his cheeks flare up and his eyes glow like hot coals, so Cas quickly brought his head down and have his permission, "Okay."

Dean frowned a little. "What's wrong?" He asked with concern.

"Nothing," Cas smiled after calming the jealousy that raged inside him. _He_  wanted to be the one to give Dean pleasure when he could. It was one thing if they were separated, but they were currently in the same building and it wasn't fair. "Go on," Castiel shooed Dean away with a hand, which was responded to with a strange look and a bowlegged walk towards the bathroom.

Dean walked in, feeling a bit weird, but poked his head outside the door. "You know I hate when you lie to me and think I don't know what's going on."

"Dean, are you going to satisfy your body's needs or not?" Cas asked impatiently.

"I think you wanna do it, and you definitely have a preference," Dean gave him a look.

"What makes you think that?" Castiel returned the look.

"The way you're acting," Dean replied, making his way back to the bed, eyes never leaving Castiel's. "It seemed like..." Dean straddled his waist and placed his hands on his chest. "You think it belongs to you."

"Are you implying that it doesn't, Winchester?" Cas growled. Dean's hands sent warmth through his bones, a fire that spread to Castiel's limbs and fueled his need to own Dean in a way.

Dean loved this, he loved when Cas got all possessive and showed him who owned him. "Does it, Novak?"

He shrugged a little. "That's the question, isn't it?" Cas glared at Dean hungrily. He ran his blue eyes alone every inch of Dean that they could reach and was pleased to watch a shiver ripple across the golden skin.

"Obviously," Dean said, knowing that in seconds Cas would show him who was boss. Dean didn't know when he became so submissive, but for Cas? Anything.

"Now what's the answer, Deeaaannn?" Castiel drew out his favourite name to say. Dean leaned forwards until their forehead's were touching and the tips of their noses bumped together. Dean hummed softly and then shrugged.

"Dunno," he replied casually. Cas finally touched Dean, bringing his left hand up into his hair and yanking it back and exposing his neck to Castiel's tongue flicking slick stripes up it and biting down, then lapping over the bites. Dean moaned and his throat vibrated against Castiel's lips.

"What's the answer, Dean?"

"I don't know," Dean choked out, closing his eyes.

"That's a lie," Cas said and moved away from Dean's neck. He pulled Dean's hair to the side until the older boy fell off his lap and onto the bed. Castiel rolled himself over and onto Dean's thighs. Dean looked up at him, biting his lip as he did.

"It is?"

"You know the answer, Dean," Castiel purred. His hands made their way up into Dean's shirt at a slow pace and traced his muscles. Cas' fingers fanned out over the blond's pecs then pulling the cloth up over his head. Dean finished the removal of his shirt and blushed a little. Castiel smiled at the discarding of the shirt. Dean's submission was out of character for his normally macho disposition, but it showed that he trusted Castiel above all else; a plus being that is was a _huge_  turn on.  Cas dragged his fingers across the expanse of Dean's muscular stomach. Castiel pinched his boyfriend's nipples, rolling his fingers until Dean groaned and squirmed on the bed. "I'm still awaiting an answer, boy."

Just the sound of Cas calling him 'boy' made his cock twitch in his jeans. He moaned as he bit his lip, refusing to answer until Cas got maybe a little more aggressive and he was a little closer to cumming. " _Dea,_ " Cas breathed with the authority that he now understood sent a shot of warmth to his lover's groin. Dean's erection pressed against Castiel's thigh as he leaned down to lick the blond's nipple. Castiel sucked it into his mouth and ran his tongue over it in circles and lines. Dean whined a little, hands finding their way to Cas' head so he could tangle his fingers in his hair. Castiel brought his fingers up Dean's arms until he wrapped them around his wrists and yanked them out of his hair. "You still haven't answered my question, Dean," he muttered against the older boy's skin. He pinned Dean's hands to the mattress as he moved his mouth downwards and sucked a bruise into his skin. Cas sucked another one on the side of his ribs, making Dean pant.

"Yours," Dean breathed, watching Cas with parted lips. "I'm yours."

"Say it again," Cas ordered. His pink tongue trailed a line up to Dean's throat from his navel and began to nibble at his skin. Dean moaned again, arching his back slightly.

"I'm your, Cas."

"Again," Castiel repeated. He gripped Dean's wrists tighter and lovingly sucked another bruise, this time on his shoulder. "I want to hear you say it like you mean it," Cas whispered roughly into the skin below Dean's ear. Dean's breath was ragged and quick against his neck. Castiel thought to himself that this boy was surprisingly easy to turn on.

Dean whimpered and closed his eyes. "I'm _yours_ , Cas," he said, opening his eyes to bore into his boyfriend's. "I'm all yours baby."

"Yes," Cas reaffirmed as he lowered his pelvis to slot with Dean's, their clothes cocks fitting together. He slowly ground himself against Dean. Their hands rested on the pillow while Castiel trended his fingers through Dean's and devoured his mouth. Cas' tongue made hungry and swift licks in between Dean's lips, careful to explore that mouth as much as he could. "Yes, you're mine," he moaned into the older boy's mouth, incredibly turned on with Dean's surrender to him and the power he felt with it.

Dean was falling apart, just like he always did when he and Cas did this. It was hot and Dean loved it, it turned him on like nothing else. He bucked his hips up slightly, wanting to feel Cas against him, whimpering a little. Cas pulled Dean's left hand under his own, holding down both hands as his other hand slithered down the blond's body and into his waistband. Then he hooked a finger under the elastic and pulled up then let it go with a snap. Dean wriggled beneath him.

"Wait," Castiel smiled against Dean's mouth, "I thought you didn't want to do this in front of our 'child'."

Dean smiled a little, laughing breathlessly. "Shut up," he blushed just a little, looking away from Cas. When he was vulnerable like this, it was hard to just snap back into 'Dean'. And he became more aware of what he was acting like, which embarrassed him a little.

"Do you want to or not?" Cas spread his hand out across Dean's lap, his dick pushing against his palm. He ran his palm up and down the hill in the blond's pants. A red blush was creeping up on Dean's face. "Hey, no embarrassment, no," he whispered into Dean's skin.

Dean closed his eyes and nodded. "Feels good," he breathed.

Cas bit his lip in a smile. "I know," he said. "Do you want to do this, Dean?"

Dean nodded again, swallowing hard. "Please," he begged quietly.

The sound of Dean begging sent chills across Castiel's skin, feeding the fire of want. "As you wish," he said in between laboured breaths, "but on one condition." Cas slowed his hand until it stopped and Dean looked down at him with widened eyes.

"What?" Dean asked almost breathlessly, wishing Castiel's hands were touching him again.

"I'm going to make you cum in your pants like the horny teenager you are," Castiel smiled a tricky smile, entertained by the slack-jawed look on Dean's face.

"Cas, that's..." Dean was a little doubtful, a blush creeping up on his cheeks as he looked away from him shyly.

"What's going to happen if you want release," Cas finished the sentence for him. He began to palm Dean's cock again, sending moans tumbling from his love's mouth. Castiel leaned down and became to suck a bruise into the golden skin beneath him. Gripping the blond hair with his free hand, he pulled it backwards until the boy was panting and whimpering with his mouth hanging open.

Dean didn't say anything, just closed his eyes and moaned. He was already feeling more embarrassed than turned on, but his body didn't quite get that memo.

Dean's cheeks were flushed, but Cas felt as though it was more from feeling uncomfortable than aroused. He tugged Dean's hair until their lips met. Castiel kissed him gently as he worked his hand over Dean's crotch. Then, he pulled away ever so slightly, just enough to drag his open mouth along Dean's jawline and to his ear. "Ontspannen, mijn liefde," he crooned in Dutch. He lightly licked a thin stripe to outline the older boy's earlobe, then sucked it into his mouth and nibbled on it. "Relax, my love," Castiel repeated, this time in English. "It's just me."

Dean frowned a little, he didn't know what his problem was. Usually, he'd hop on an opportunity like this, but he knew he wouldn't have any clothes to change into. He knew he'd be so embarrassed afterwards. He knew Cas wasn't turned on. He knew if he said anything he would make things worse, again. So instead of saying anything, he just bit his lip and bucked into Cas' hand to make him happy.

Something seemed off now. Cas pulled away from Dean, removing his hands from the boy. "Dean," Castiel tilted his head and squinted down at him, "are you okay?"

"Besides having a hard on, I'm fine," Dean shrugged.

"Liar," Cas said as he rolled off of Dean's lap and into a sitting position in the bed. Something was wrong and Cas was pretty sure it was his fault.

Dean sat up a little, elbows on each side of him for support. "I don't think you enjoy this Cas and I'm embarrassed about this, about being so..." Dean shrugged, words failing him, "submissive I guess. And I don't know, I don't like it right now because I'm not... I'm not really used it. It's making me feel uncomfortable."

"I'm enjoying it, very thoroughly, if I might add," Castiel scoffed. In a more careful tone, he said, "I'm sorry for bringing you embarrassment, Dean. You're aware that it's just me and you here though, correct? I wouldn't laugh at you for being as inexperienced as I am."

"I know, but... maybe we just shouldn't right now, I don't think I'm ready," Dean whispered and sighed. He collapsed onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. "And no, you weren't."

"I wasn't what?" Cas asked as he twirled the brown leather bracelet on his wrist.

"Enjoying it."

"Who says I wasn't?" Castiel was genuinely offended as he shifted uncomfortably on his bed. Dean still didn't know about his problem and now it was coming back to bite Cas for not telling him sooner. " _Mira,_  I found that incredibly arousing, but my body didn't. I want to own you and please you and taste you so badly, Dean, you have no idea. My body just doesn't respond properly," Castiel confessed in pure embarrassment.

Dean frowned a little in confusion, looking over at Cas. "Is everything okay? Uh...estás bien?" Dean tried.

His uncertain attempt at Spanish made Cas grin unexpectedly. "You're cute," he murmured. Cas traced his fingers along the braid of leather and sighed. He couldn't keep it from Dean forever. "Being depressed decreased my sex drive."

Dean stared at him for a moment. "Well... are you still depressed?"

"Yes. Why do you ask that?"

Dean shook his head. He knew it wasn't gone. He knew his presence alone wouldn't make it go away. Somehow, it still hurt a little to hear. "Just asking."

"Dean. Why?" Cas asked again.

"I wanted you to say no. To say I fixed it, since I'm the one who broke it," Dean said softly, eyes avoiding Cas'. "I don't wanna talk about it. This is supposed to be happy. I got you a cat."

Castiel felt his heart physically hurt from the sound of dejection in Dean's voice. He turned and laid down next to the blond, draping his legs and arms around him. "Dean, it's not broken," he whispered into the boy's ear. "It's just something that happens. I'll get better for you, okay?"

"I just want you happy," Dean said as he wrapped his arms around Cas."How will you... Get it better?"

"Pills, therapy, I'm not sure, but I will," Cas spoke into Dean's neck.

"You know it's not important to me, right? I love having _you._ "

"Yes, but it makes you upset that I'm not happy, which I apologize for. That's why I need to get better," Castiel said, "because I don't want to imagine the look on your face when you come over one day and I'm hanging from the ceiling." Cas ground his teeth together, unsure of why he confessed that to Dean. An alarming noise came from Dean and Castiel tensed up.

"Cas, I need you," Dean whispered, eyes full of fear. "I love you, please hold onto that."

"Breathe," Castiel gently reminded him. "I know you do, it's okay. Breathe. I love you too, that's why I need to get better."

Dean nodded, taking a few deep breaths. "Does that mean you have to go back?" he asked quietly.

"To the hospital? Yes, probably," Cas said.

"Can I come visit?"

Castiel grinned up into Dean's green eyes. "I'd like that," he said. After a second of thought, Castiel decided to bring up the problem that had stopped them earlier. "When will you be okay with submission to me?"

Dean bit his lip. "After a little more practice and maybe when your body starts responding. We can work up to it."

"Is this about cumming in your pants?"

"Yes and no," Dean mumbled.

"I know you don't have any spare clothes here, but I had been planning on cleaning you up with my tongue," Cas said, faintly upset that it had never come to fruition.

"But I still wouldn't have any clean clothes Cas," Dean said.

Blood rushed to Castiel's face and he buried it in Dean's chest, muttering something unintelligible.

"What was that?" Dean asked.

"Stphil hafe those buxers you leff here lest yer. Yur stphil sam sise," came the garbled reply. Castiel knew Dean was still the same size because he'd checked that morning.

Dean chuckled a little when he realized what Cas said and kissed his head. "I'm just not ready for that, okay?"

"Uhkay," Cas blushed even harder at Dean's small laugh. Dean smiled softly.

"You're adorable," he kissed his head again.

"Mph nut druable," Castiel's muffled voice denied.

Dean ran his fingers through Cas' hair. "Are to me."

"Sha up," Cas playfully pushed Dean away. He curled up into a ball and buried his face in his knees.

Dean chuckled and ran his finger down Cas' spine. "Come back."

"No," Castiel muttered. His cheeks were blushing so hard, he feared he may explode.

"Why are you hiding from me, baby?" Dean cooed.

"Umbarrased," Cas grumbled.

"Why?" Dean whispered.

"Hat's umbarrassing," Castiel said. His hands gripped his ankles tightly in an attempt to draw his legs closer to his chest. He could feel Dean's eyes on him and his fingers trailing up and down Castiel's back.

"I don't mind it," Dean reassured softly and kissed the back of his neck.

Cas shivered and peeked out from his limbs. His sense of dominance was gone now, seeing as it only really came out during sexual occasions, and had been replaced with his usual demeanor. "You don't?"

Dean shook his head and kissed his cheek, wrapping an arm around Cas' middle. "Of course not."

_"Stupid. Thought he'd actually give in to you? Fucking idiot."_

"Okay," Cas forced a smile and snuggled into Dean. A small meow came from the ball of fur on the ground and he felt Dean laugh.

"We have the cutest kid," Dean smiled and rubbed his side. "You wanna come back now?"

The fact that Dean just called Jo their kid made the redness in Cas' cheeks come back. He'd always indulged in a what he'd known to be an off-limits fantasy of marrying his best friend and perhaps raising a child or two with him, but now Dean said they had a kid. Even though Castiel knew he was jokingly referring to his new kitten, it still made him light up inside. "No," he blushed and his back in his knees.

"Why not, baby?" Dean frowned a little. "Did I make you upset?" Dean pressed his face in Cas' shoulder.

"M not urset," Cas spoke into his jeans.

"Cas, please," Dean rubbed his side. Castiel peeked out from his legs and twisted around to look at Dean.

"Better?" He asked.

"Why are you so embarrassed?" Dean whispered.

"Stop it!" Castiel squeaked and pushed his face to Dean's chest.

Dean didn't know what he did, but he just nodded. "Okay," he surrendered.

"Yur umbarrassing me," Cas groaned into Dean's warm skin.

"I didn't mean to, I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say, too afraid that he would upset Cas more.

Something in Dean's voice sounded weird and Cas lifted his head up to look at him. "Dean?"

"Hm?" Dean asked as he looked at him carefully.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I just... sometimes I get a little nervous cause we're still learning each other and... I feel like I say the wrong things sometimes," Dean shrugged a little.

"I think I understand that feeling," Castiel said gently. He planted a kiss on Dean's collarbone as he stretched upwards and uncurled his body. "I'm not mad," Cas said.

"But I embarrassed you," Dean sighed.

"But it's okay," Cas whispered, craning his neck up to kiss Dean's lips. Dean kissed him back softly.

"Just be patient with me, if you can."

"Am I not patient always with you? My apologies," Castiel furrowed his brow. He _tried_  to be patient with his friend at all times, but perhaps he was failing.

_"Really? You think you're good to him, that you're patient enough with him? You cry all the time and don't know how to control your emotions, you fuck."_

"You are, Cas, but I was just saying," Dean said quickly.

"Then why would you say that?" came the small voice of a timid Castiel.

Dean kissed his nose. "Because you're human and we can all make mistakes, okay? I know I will."

"Okay, Dean," Cas sighed. He rested his nose in the dip between Dean's collarbones, pressing a kiss on the skin underneath. In his mind, Castiel began losing the war with his voices, hearing them berate him over and over.

"Are you okay? And don't lie, please," Dean whispered.

_"Ya know, I think you should lie to him. Tell him you're great so he doesn't have to worry. Isn't that what you want, bitch, for him not to worry?"_

 "No, Dean, I'm not okay--"

_"Stupid cunt."_

"--right now. The voices--"

_"Aww, darling, why you gotta bring us into this?"_

"--are bad and I feel--"

_"You're gonna say it, aren't you?"_

"--like... like I'm not enough for you," Cas finally finished, desperately fighting off tears as he spoke. The voices kept injecting themselves in his mind and interrupting his sentence.

Dean could see him fighting and it broke his heart. He cupped Cas' face and kissed him as gently as butterfly wings would feel had they been the things brushing against his skin instead. "I love you, Cas. You're perfect for me and when they start talking, tell them your super hot boyfriend says fuck off. You're _mine_ and you're more than enough."

Castiel began laughing hysterically. His face broke into a wrong smile, one that was pained and psychotic-- the voices had broken him again. His eyes widened with laughter that shook his body in waves, tears of giggles appearing in the corners of his was of blue. "I'm so lucky to have you, so lucky. Nobody else would ever want me, ya know, damaged goods and all that. Hell, even you didn't want me for years. But now I have you and I'm so, so lucky," he chirped happily as his grin widened at an alarming rate. Cas cuddled closer to his boyfriend, gleefully nuzzling into him.

"I always think I'm the lucky one," Dean whispered instead of freaking out. "I've always thought I was the one who should hold on tight and never let you go. I love you. I'm _in_  love with you. Cas, you're _my everything_ ," Dean pleaded with his eyes for him to understand.

"Heehee, 'everything'," Castiel giggled. His strange smile split his face in a way that was almost painful. "That's a weird concept, isn't it? 'Everything'. Can someone be everything, Dean, can they really? Or is it just an illusion created by hormones and faux claims of adoration? Are humans made to hold the universe inside of them as seen be another person?" he rambled happily. Then his cackling overtook him again. " _You're_ everything, Dean. There are galaxies and forests and jewels in your eyes. Your heart is made of the sweetness of sugar and angel feathers and your soul is a million nebulas. To me, you are the universe and all it's made of. And I'm nothing."

Dean bit his lip nervously, he'd never seen Cas act like this before and he wasn't going to pretend like he knew the answers. But it was still _Cas,_ his Cas, so he'd keep arguing back like he always did because this? This was something he wanted Cas to hear instead of the voices in his head. "You're not nothing to me, you've never been nothing. Cas, snap out of it," Dean frowned in concern, cupping his face to stare into his blue eyes. "I want you to hear me and I hope those son of a bitches hear me too." His face went serious. "I want them to leave you alone because I never want to find you dead. You mean everything to me. You're the reason I keep going. The reason I wake up in the morning. You're the reason I came back here, that I'm in this bed right now and you know what? It's because I _want_  to be. Not another place I'd rather be. To me this is forever, not an infatuation or some fucking magic trick, man. You are _everything_ , Cas," Dean's eyes turned soft as he stroked his cheeks with his thumbs and a sad smile crossed his lips. "I love you," he said softly. "I love _you,_ Castiel Novak. The way you smile at me when you think something I did was cute or when you're excited... it makes me feel like I always wanna keep it on your face. When we're together, I lose track of time. When I look into your eyes, I see someone who wants it to all stop so they can have their _real_  happy ever after, with me, for the rest of our lives," Dean whispered the last few words, eyes glittering with tears and hands shaking from fear and nerves, but he meant every word and he needed Cas to hear it. To really, really listen so he could understand.

Dean's obvious sadness hit Castiel's heart point blank and he reached shaking fingers up to the blond's face. His fingertips fluttered like small wings across his boyfriend's skin. "No, no, no, don't cry, please don't cry," Cas pleaded. The tears in Dean's eyes were causing Cas physical pain from worry and fear. "Please, please, please don't cry. I'm sorry, don't cry," he repeated. Dean closed his eyes and nodded, trying to get a hold on himself.

_"You fucked up, Novak. You let us drive you crazy again."_

Cas placed a trembling kiss to his friend's eyelids, then nose, then gave him an Eskimo kiss. "Dean, please don't be sad, please don't cry. I'm sorry, don't be sad."

"I want you to be okay," Dean said as he opened his eyes to look at him.

"And vise versa," the blue-eyed boy commented.

Dean gave him an Eskimo kiss this time. It was slowly turning into his favorite thing. "We can do this, okay? But you have to tell them to fuck off."

"You don't think I do?" "I know you know, but don't ever, _ever_  stop doing it. Please, Cas."

"I've tried to, then I remember you and I have to fight them again," the now-sane Castiel said against Dean's lips. His hand was in the blond hair he liked so much and the other hand was wiping away the single tear that had managed to escape his lover's eye.

Dean smiled softly, rubbing up and down Cas' side. "Good."

"Dean?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry," Cas whispered. "I'm sorry that I freaked out. I lost it. My sanity is... questionable, or has been over these last few months. The pills don't work anymore. I'm sorry you had to see that, I'm sorry it made you cry. _Ma armastan sind,_ Dean."

Dean sighed a little, kissing Cas softly. "What did the pills do?"

"Some were antidepressants, some were supposed to calm erratic behaviour, some were supposed to help me sleep," Castiel counted off on his fingers.

"None of them work anymore?" Dean asked quietly.

Shrugging, Castiel said, "Well, none of them really worked to begin with."

"Does that mean you need to go back soon?" Dean asked with wide eyes.

"Yes, my love, we've discussed this," Cas laughed. This time, his laughter was sincere and pure, no longer defined by madness.

Dean sighed and then smiled shyly. "I know, but it still scares me a little."

"Why?" Cas' laughter stopped. He didn't want Dean to be scared.

"I like cuddling with you and spending all day with you, but I know..." Dean sighed again. "I know we have to."

"You can visit me and you have school for the next few months. I've not gone in two weeks, no one's gonna miss me," Castiel shrugged.

"That's not all true, Cas, but," Dean shrugged then smiled. "Our kid is gonna miss you."

Castiel' eyes widened and he blushed. Dean raised an eyebrow at him, so Cas started kissing his lips in hopes of avoiding any questioning. He pressed his body to Dean's and felt a semi-hard cock press against his thigh. "You can use the bathroom if you still need to take care of that," he suggested, lips still joined with Dean's.

Dean shook his head. "Why are you blushing?" he asked instead.

"Because of your boner, idiot," Cas immediately retorted.

"Liar," Dean said back, searching Cas' face.

"Asshole," Cas replied again.

"Because I'm calling the kitten our kid?" Dean asked, staring right into the blue eyes.

This time, there was no chance of Castiel being able to hide the truth and his eyes widened again as he felt that stupid, tell-take blush rise in his cheeks. Cas ducked his head to dodge Dean's knowing gaze.

"Well it _is_ ," Dean defended his choice of words. "It's ours."

That only made the brunet blush harder. By now, he knew it had creeped up to the back of his neck as well. Castiel snuggled closer to Dean's bare chest and tried to hide from the green-eyed gaze.

Dean huffed. "If you don't want me to say it, just say so."

He sounded angry, or annoyed. Cas pulled his head from his chest and peered up at Dean with big eyes. "Are you mad?"

"No, I just thought you'd like that I called her that. I thought you would feel the same way I do about it," Dean made a transition from a kinda to almost very sad as he spoke.

Shit, now he had to say it, Cas couldn't have the other boy be sad. "I like it," Castiel shook his head, "I just think I like it too much."

"What do you mean?"

"I--," Cas dipped his head and sucked in a breath, "I've always wanted a future with you, to be married, maybe adopt a child or two. This makes me happy, but also wary because you might now want me when we're older."

Dean cupped Cas' face and looked at him seriously. "This is forever. _We_  are forever. This is our first kid, okay?"


	7. Forever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is VERY short, it's all I've had time to edit since GISHWHES began. Hopefully, I'll have a longer one up within the next two weeks!

_Forever._ Castiel swallowed nervously. So many books and movies used the term "forever" offhandedly, but many people that he'd met said forever didn't usually work out. "Okay."  
  
"You don't believe me?"  
  
"No, Dean, I don't. But not because I distrust you, I don't believe this situation. You can say forever and mean it right now, that doesn't make it true."  
  
"I'll prove it," Dean decided quietly.  
  
"How?"  
  
"I'll just have to do what I planned on doing and stay with you forever."  
  
Castiel shivered with anticipation for their future and kissed Dean lightly on the lips. "Okay," he murmured.  
  
Dean kissed his nose. "Love you."  
  
"I love you too," Castiel smiled, "forever."  
  
"Forever?" Dean smiled and raised an eyebrow playfully.  
  
"Always have, always will," the smaller boy said dismissively, like it should be obvious.  
  
"You can say forever and mean it right now, that doesn't make it true," Dean quoted Cas back to himself and shrugged.  
  
"You're an ass, Winchester, you _know_  I will always love you, just as I have since we became friends," Castiel glowered at his boyfriend. He could be so thick-headed sometimes.  
  
"But you doubt me?" Dean said back, frowning slightly.  
  
"Yes, but not for the reason you assume, Dean. You said you loved Lisa, but you didn't. What if I'm the same? It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust your feelings to withstand time. They are human emotions after all," Cas confessed. He saw a mixture of anger and sadness arise in Dean's eyes and remorse struck him for being so blunt.  
  
Dean looked away from Cas. He fucked everything up, he always did. He nodded, eyes no longer on his boyfriend. He scrambled away from him, getting out of bed to pick up the kitten.  
  
The sudden coolness of the room seeped into Castiel's bones at the absence of his blond's warmth. Instead of cuddling Castiel like he _should_ be, Dean was sitting on the floor with his legs crossed and the small, fuzzy kitten in his lap. He was running a gentle finger along Jo's head and back, making her purr and squint her eyes shut in happiness. Cas observed that for a football player, his beloved was incredibly tender. Love for his Dean hit Cas like a bullet, sudden and unforgiving. Cas took a deep breath and crawled onto the floor behind him, the gray carpet felt rough under his palms. He pressed his stomach to Dean's back as he wrapped his legs around his waist. "I'm sorry," Castiel whispered into his neck, then pressed a small kiss to the warm skin there. "I'm sorry," he repeated with another kiss. I'm sorry- _kiss_ -I'm sorry- _kiss_ -I'm sorry- _kiss_.  
  
"It's okay, Cas," Dean said softly, staring down at the kitten who stared back up at him with wide, unblinking eyes. "I understand why you don't believe in me," he shrugged dejectedly and started to pet Jo again.  
  
"I know you do, that's why I'm sorry. I'm trying to believe you. I really am." Another trail of kisses. Castiel ran his fingers through the messy blond hair that tickled his forehead. Dean hugged Jo close and she purred gently. "I'm sorry," Cas spoke tenderly into his skin, "I'm so sorry." He kissed Dean's neck in orderly lines of up and down and up and down. His hands traveled from Dean's hair to his back, massaging the lower part while his mouth lavished kisses along his shoulders and shoulder blades. A voice that said "I'm sorry" and "I'm trying" followed every other kiss. Sometimes, an "I love you" would slip passed Castiel's lips.

They stayed that way for who knows how long, maybe minutes, maybe an hour, and all the while, Cas never ceased to kiss Dean with loving words and healing lips. "Cas, it's okay," Dean said gently. But his voice sounded defeated, he sounded like he was so tired. He wanted everything to be okay, he wanted to tell Cas he loved him and for him to actually believe it. He wanted Cas to believe in _him_. But he'd messed it all up again and this time without really even trying. With a girl who meant nothing compared to Cas.  
  
"No, Dean, it's not," Cas whimpered with another kiss. "Please be happy, please. I'm trying to believe you, I am," his voice pleaded. He hated to see his love so sad and upset, he had to fix this.  
  
Dean nuzzled his nose into Jo's soft fur on top of her head. "The kisses help," he teased, a tiny smile on his face.  
  
The shots seemed to be working for Dean, which made Castiel smile, but he was still out of it. "Dean, please," the blue-eyed boy choked in a voice full of emotion that threatened to spill over.  
  
Dean sighed and closed his eyes. "I know you're trying, baby, I know," he said gently.  
  
"Please don't be angered or sad, please," Castiel begged as he wrapped his arms around Dean's stomach and continued placing kisses on him.  
  
"I'm not, I just wish I didn't ruin everything."  
  
"You don't ruin everything, you ruin some things, we all do," Cas argued half heartedly. Tears were in his eyes as he held Dean close to him. "We all mess up."  
  
"Wish I had of got it right with you," Dean bit his lip.  
  
"That is what I wish as well, but now I have you and that's all I could wish for," Cas said in a tear clogged voice.  
  
Dean frowned a little as he turned his head to look at Cas. "Baby, don't cry," he whispered and wiped away his tears. "Come here."  
  
"Don't be sad, please don't be sad, don't be angry, please don't be angry," Castiel repeated over and over as though it would take back the past few minutes. He leaned into Dean's touch and kept murmuring his words of pleas and apologies.  
  
Dean kissed him softly over and over. "I'm not baby, I'm okay."  
  
"You were and I did that and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Castiel whimpered. Jo crawled out of Dean's lap and was now exploring the room.  
  
Dean watched her go and smiled a little. "Why don't you come sit in my lap now, hm?" He kissed his cheek gently.  
  
"I don't want to make it worse," came the tearful reply. Salt water drops had begun flowing steadily from Cas' blue eyes and he struggled to remained silent. He was still wrapped around his Dean, but how heart hurt very badly.  
  
"Come here baby, you're not making anything worse," Dean said softly.  
  
"I am, I keep messing things up. We were happy half an hour ago," Castiel cried in a hushed tone.  
  
"Cas, please... If you think you messed it up then come here and fix it."  
  
"H-how?"  
  
"Just come here," Dean ordered.  
  
Castiel wiped a hand over his eyes and crawled on his hands and knees around Dean's body. He sat down in front of him and cocked his head to the side in question. Dean pulled him closer, until Cas complied and sat on his lap with his legs around him. Dean cupped Cas' face and kissed him softly before wiping away his tears.  
  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Cas whimpered against Dean's lips.  
  
"You were just being honest, I would've been much more upset if you lied to me," Dean said and kissed him softly. "Don't be upset, it's fine."  
  
"But you were sad, I made you sad," Castiel cried quietly.  
  
Dean shook his head. "No you didn't."  
  
"Then why were you sad about something I said right after I said it and then wouldn't look at me?" He responded with trembling lips, not sure if he was even making sense anymore.  
  
"I was thinking about what you said, but it wasn't your fault, okay? And even if you did, which you didn't, it was just an accident, right?"  
  
Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean's middle and buried his tear-stained face in the crook of his neck. He tried to slow his breathing and relax, but it wasn't working well. "O-okay," he hiccuped.  
  
Dean rubbed Cas' back and kissed his head. "Shh, baby, I'm okay. You're fine, don't cry," he soothed gently.  
  
Dean's skin was soft against his cheek as Castiel reigned in his tears. He didn't want to cry, but he always ended up doing so. Human emotions had always been difficult for him to control and it hadn't gotten better with age. Dean's hand felt nice on his back, making Cas sigh. "Okay," he repeated.  
  
"I love you," Dean whispered into his ear with a smile.  
  
"I-I love y-you," Castiel echoed and tightened his grip on his boyfriend. He loved him so much, he feared his heart may break.  
  
Dean hummed softly and kept rubbing his back and kissing his skin as he whispered gently words to him.  
  
"More than anything," Cas said. He pushed himself closer to Dean until his shirt was completely against Dean's bare chest.  
  
Dean ran his fingers through Cas' hair. "Forever?"  
  
"And always," Cas confirmed.  
  
Dean smiled and kissed his shoulder. "I'm so in love with you, Cas."  
  
"And I, you," the brunet mouthed into Dean's neck, shoulders still heaving. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"  
  
"Tell you what?"  
  
"That you loved me," Cas clarified. He knew, of course he knew, but he needed to hear it again.  
  
"I was an idiot, that's why," Dean sighed and leaned over on Cas' head.  
  
"But know you're _my_  idiot," the smaller boy smiled weakly.  
  
Dean smiled and nodded. "I know."  
  
"I'm sorry that you have to see everything, I'm sorry," Cas apologized.  
  
"I'd rather see it," Dean said honestly. "Than have you hiding things from me."  
  
"I wish I could."  
  
"I'm glad you can't."  
  
"But it's bad."  
  
"Not bad enough for me to ever leave."  
  
"Ever?"  
  
"Ever," Dean confirmed.


	8. Dean's Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the fairly late update, guys! Um, well, it's Dean's birthday now. Not exactly a happy chapter, but there is a part 2 to go along with it... which will be published when I have time. Enjoy!
> 
> Also, here are some translations...
> 
> lo siento, mi mundo- I'm sorry, my world (Spanish)  
> moje jediná- my only (Croatian)  
> mé srdce- my heart (Czech)

Dean was nervous to say the least. He still didn't like going to the hospital and he especially didn't like that Cas was in there again. Sure, maybe Cas wasn't alone in there, but to Dean, it always felt like seemed like he was abandoning the brunet again every time he had to say goodbye. In all honesty, it shattered Dean's heart more often than not, seeing Cas in his review mirror over and over, too much like the first time Dean left. It never felt right.  

The minute school was over, Dean had begun driving, wanting to see his boyfriend more than anything. He took a deep breath as he pulled up in the parking lot and stared up at the large building. He got out of car, straightened out his jacket and walking towards the hospital.  
  
Castiel stood at the window, practically bouncing with excitement. Today was Dean's birthday and he was so happy to see him again. He'd been there for a little over a week, but he missed seeing Dean almost every day. In Cas' hand, he held a leather bracelet he had made himself. It was made of three dark brown chords, frayed at the edges and braided together, the center chord engraved with the numbers of the date they'd gotten together. He hoped Dean would like it; after all, he'd spent most of the past week working on it whenever he could.  
  
 _'Fucking idiot, he's gonna hate it. He doesn't wear_ girl  _things.'_  
  
"Shut up," Castiel growled, but hid it under his pillow anyway.  
  
Dean was assisted to Cas' room by a very nice nurse who understood their unfortunate situation and was always willing to be helpful. Plus, Dean always felt uncomfortable walking alone through the hospital. Once he was at the door, Dean knocked before peeking his head in and grinning at Cas. "Hi."

"Dean!" Cas cried happily. He jumped up from his bed and wrapped his thin arms around his boyfriend. "Happy birthday!" He smiled, planting a kiss just below Dean's ear.  
  
Dean grinned and hugged Cas' frail body close, except... it didn't seem as weak as that first time he held him which only made the smile on his face grow wider. "Thanks, baby," he said softly.  
  
"I missed you," Castiel whispered into his neck. They'd only been apart for a few days, but it felt like far too long after their year of separation.  
  
"I missed you, too. All I could think about was you today," Dean admitted with a blush.  
  
"Good," Cas teased as he released Dean and waves to the nurse. "Thank you for bringing him in, Meg."  
  
As she left, Castiel grabbed Dean's hand and dragged him to the bed where they sat across from each other and held hands. "That's my caretaker. She's full of thorny beauty."  
  
"She's nice, I like her," Dean smiled and kissed both of his hands. "What did you do today?"  
  
"Yes, she's pleasant once you get to know her. She calls me Clarence and I don't understand why. I took a walk with Balthazar. We went to the gardens," Cas said in a happy, childlike tone. He was brimming with gladness at being with Dean again.  
  
"Balthazar, huh?" Dean raised an eyebrow at Cas. He was sure nothing was going on with them, but he still wanted to know what exactly _was_  going on, if there was anything at all. Dean was never friends with his exes, it was always too awkward.  
  
"Yes, Balthazar. Is something bad about that?" Cas cocked his head. He'd never had an ex before, so he didn't really know the typical protocol. Dean, on the other hand, was considered quite advanced in that area.  
  
Dean shrugged. "No, I know your big blue eyes are only for me," he chuckled and cupped Cas' cheek. "He's okay with everything though?"  
  
Castiel grinned. He liked when Dean trusted him, that meant he didn't fuck _everything_  up. "Yeah, he's okay," he said as a closed his eyes and leaning into Dean's hand.  
  
"Think you can take me out there this weekend? Can I bring some stuff here like... a blanket and some food?" Dean was trying to be casual, but he knew his voice was shaky and his cheeks were turning pink with a nervous, yet hopeful, look in his eyes.  
  
"A picnic?" Cas' ears perked up and his eyes shone, completely unaware of Dean's awkwardness.  
  
"Y-yeah... I mean, if you want to?" Dean blushed even more. He hadn't gotten the chance to take Cas on any dates and it was the best he could do.  
  
"Of course!" Castiel was practically glowing as he leaned forward and kissed Dean hard on the mouth. Their first date... kinda...  
  
Dean kissed back, pulling away to laugh and lean back on the bed, spreading his legs. Cas crawled in between them and laid his head on Dean's shoulder as Dean wrapped his arms around the body laying on top of his.  
  
"They give me pills now. They work better than the old ones," Cas mentioned. He snuggled closer to Dean, eager for his familiar warmth.  
  
"What do they do?" Dean asked and rubbed Cas' back.  
  
"I can sleep now, and I'm getting better in my head," Cas explained. A gentle purr arose in his chest at the hand on his back. "I can feel a ghost of happiness now. I can almost taste it, but it's not quite there. It's slowly becoming more prominent."  
  
"I'm happy to hear that," Dean smiled and kissed his forehead.  
  
"That's good." Cas entangled their legs and set small kisses on Dean's throat. His white hospital clothes made crinkling sounds when he hugged Dean closer. Dean hummed in content and closed his eyes. "I'm glad you're here, Dean," Castiel sighed. "I don't like being without you."  
  
"Wish I could always be with you, but one day, right?" Dean asked in a hopeful tone.  
  
"If you'd like," Cas confirmed.

He'd always wanted to grow old with Dean, but had never thought Dean would requite this feeling. A vast majority of Castiel's daydreams were composed of waking up next to Dean in a house somewhere. Sometimes there were adopted children, sometimes they were alone. Sometimes, Cas woke up to an empty bed, only to hear humming in the kitchen that could only belong to his beloved Dean. There were even times when he daydreamed about having sex with the other male, but those few and far between. Either way, it was always the two of them and it was always perfect.  
  
"I would," Dean nodded and rubbed Cas' back. He kissed his temple and closed his eyes. "I love spending time with you on my birthdays," he said after a quiet moment.  
  
The corners of Cas' mouth curled up. "Me too." He stared at Dean's jawline and was busy mapping out the freckles and light stubble that was on the surface when another blond male walked in.  
  
"Hey, Angel!" He sang.  
  
Castiel sat up on the bed and nodded at the newcomer. "Good morning, Lucifer."  
  
Dean was slightly startled by the name-- it was an interesting name choice, the name of the hardest fallen angel in the Bible, otherwise known as Satan-- but found himself smiling all the same and half-waving at the boy.  
  
"Are you the infamous Dean Winchester I _never_ stop hearing about?" Lucifer asked as he plopped down on the bed and hugged Castiel tightly. "Hey, Angel."  
  
Cas laughed at the boy. "You've already greeted me." He wrapped his arms around his friend in a return hug and nodded. "Yes, this is Dean."  
  
Dean couldn't help but to feel his heart swell with happiness at their exchange. Lucifer seemed sweet to Cas and Dean didn't always see that happen with him, the situation of people being nice to the younger boy. He grinned and offered his hand. The boy-with-the-Devil's-name pulled away from the grip he had on his friend. They joined hands and shook.

"Nice to meet you."

"Same, man, same," Lucifer grinned fiendishly, his hand dropping too Cas's knee. "What're you doin' here, Dean?"  
  
Cas nudged Lucifer gently with his elbow. "That's rude."  
  
"What?? I'm just asking," he whined.  
  
"It's okay," Dean smiled at Cas and then looked at Lucifer. "It's my birthday and I wanted to spend some time with my boyfriend."  
  
"Ooo, kinky," Lucifer winked and then his face was clouded by a darkness. He looked like a storm cloud had come to rest above his head, casting a deep shadow over his rough features and blue eyes. "But you hurt Angel. Why are you still in his life?"  
  
Castiel stared at his friend in shock. "Lucifer, how did you know that? I didn't tell anyone."  
  
The boy waved his hand dismissively, still glaring at Dean. "I eavesdropped on your therapy sesh."  
  
"That happened some time ago, Lucifer, don't get upset about it now," Cas whispered and took his hand. He placed a kiss on Lucifer's cheek. "It's alright, brother."  
  
Dean felt just like he did at Cas' house when Anna was grilling him and he shrunk away from the two boys. He never knew what to say and it was impossible to stand up to someone who was right. Dean felt so small and _today_ of all days. He took a deep breath and shrugged.

"Sorry," he said quietly.  
  
"Lucifer. Apologize," Cas demanded in that gentle voice of his that always got him what he wanted. "Now."  
  
Lucifer rolled his eyes and his expression brightened. "Sorry, Angel. Sorry, Dean," he said lightly.  
  
"Thank you," Castiel whispered, squeezing his hand.  
  
Dean gave him a little smile. "It's alright."  
  
"Lucifer, I think maybe you should go to the mess hall and see if Alfie's there. I want him to meet Dean," Cas smiled at his friend.   
  
Lucifer nodded and got up from the bed. "Love you, Angel, use protection!" he crowed and sauntered out of the room, closing the door with a flourish.  
  
Castiel pulled Dean to him so that the blond head rested on his chest. "I apologize for his brash behaviour. He has a severe bipolar disorder and something else I can't recall. Lucifer is extraordinarily protective of me and I'm sorry," he whispered into Dean's hair, sad that his love had been assaulted. "He means well."  
  
"I noticed," Dean muttered and closed his eyes to cuddle closer to Castiel.  
  
"Lo siento, mi mundo, I don't like it when you're sad. Lucifer really doesn't mean to harm you," Cas said gently as he stroked Dean's back.  
  
"I'm... okay, maybe a few kisses would help?" Dean teased.  
  
"Are you really?" Castiel asked as he bent his head down and kissed Dean's cheek.  
  
Dean nodded as he smiled. "Long as you're here."  
  
"I love you, remember that," Cas kissed into Dean's mouth.

Dean parted his lips, easily allowing Cas to slip his tongue through as they both hummed into the kiss, the older boy running his fingers through Cas' soft hair.  
  
"Clarence, honey, time for your meds," Meg chirped as she opened the bedroom door.   
  
"Thank you, Meg," Cas nodded to her and took the three little white pills from her hand and the paper cup of water from the other. He swallowed the pills down and handed her the cup before she walked away.  
  
"Sorry for the interruption!" she laughed over her shoulder and shut the door.  
  
Dean smiled and gave Cas a quick kiss. "I hope those weren't for sleeping."  
  
"No, these are for controlling the voices and depression." Cas licked the water off his lips and flinched as he heard a voice in his head.  
  
 _'Can't , control us sweetheart.'_

"I never want to see that look on your face again," Dean sighed. "I hate that you have to go through this, baby."  
  
"I know, I'm sorry," Cas whimpered as he buried his face in Dean's neck. He felt guilty for allowing the intrusions in his head and for disappointing Dean in doing so.  
  
"Just want you happy," Dean whispered and kissed his shoulder gently.  
  
"I know you do," Castiel said.   
  
 _'Aren't you gonna give him is pwetty pwesent, Cassie?'_  
  
A frown crossed the brunet's face and he clenched his jaw.  
  
"Tell them to fuck off, it's my birthday," Dean mumbled against his shoulder.  
  
 _'Can't he tell that's why we're here, Asstiel? We want to wish him a happy birthday too!'_  
  
"They say 'happy birthday'," Castiel grumbled into Dean's warm skin and wrapped his fingers tightly in Dean's shirt.  
  
Dean rolled his eyes. "Will you have your phone tonight?"  
  
"Yeah, I always have my phone."  
  
"Good, and close your door," Dean whispered with a grin.  
  
"Right now?" the blue eyed boy asked.  
  
"Tonight," Dean clarified.  
  
"Why?" Cas raised an eyebrow.  
  
"'Cause," Dean smirked.  
  
Castiel furrowed his brow and opened his mouth to say something before being interrupted by the door flying open.

"Gooooood morning, Vietnam!" Lucifer announced, flinging his hands up to announce his arrival. "Alfie, as you commanded, Angel," he winked at Castiel as a smaller boy trudged into the room.  
  
"Hey, Castiel," Alfie smiled.  
  
"Hello, Samandriel," Cas addressed him by his proper name.  
  
Dean looked up at the door and smiled at the younger boy. He was practicing how to say the name in his mind, but there was a fat chance he wasn't going to get it out without embarrassing himself. These were all the friends his boyfriend had and somehow he felt that if they didn't like him, he wouldn't be able to come back wihtout feeling targeted and guilty.  
  
Castiel gestured for Samandriel to walk to the bed. "Samandriel, this is Dean. Dean, Samandriel."  
  
As they shook hands, the younger boy smiled shyly and said, "You can call me Alfie. I know my name is hard to pronounce."  
  
"No, it's okay, Samandriel is good," Dean smiled, a little proud of himself for saying it without stuttering. He scooted over so the newcomer could sit, the three of them barely fitting on the bed when sitting side-by-side. "Or do you prefer Alfie?"  
  
"Either is fine," Samandriel barely smiled.   
  
Lucifer jumped on Castiel's lap and wrapped an arm around his neck. "Angeeeeeeelllllllllllll, I feel left out," he pouted.  
  
"You're odd," Cas said and wrapped his arms around Lucifer's waist to keep him from falling off.  
  
While they talked, the words of the soft conversation blurred into the texture of a fading sunset as Dean wondered to himself why each boy was in here, wondered if they had someone who came and visited them. He looked at Lucifer and Cas, feeling slightly uncomfortable with how close they were. He tried not to show it and instead looked at them and smiled when the time seemed appropriate.  
  
"So you're Castiel's Dean?" Samandriel asked so that only Dean could hear.  
  
Dean focused his attention on Samandriel and nodded. "Guess that's me."  
  
"He never stops talking about you," the small boy nodded to Cas who was laughing at something Lucifer had said. "Lucifer flirts with everyone like that, but he loves Castiel as brother," Samandriel tried to reassure Dean.  
  
Dean simply nodded in and looked down at his lap where his hands were clasped together.  
  
"Castiel loves you very much. He's lonely when you're not here, even with us always buzzing around him like those bees he enjoys watcing in the garden," Samandriel said quietly, staying under Cas and Lucifer's radar.  
  
Dean looked up at him and smiled a little. "I get a little lonely without him too."  
  
"You're uncomfortable. Why?" Samandriel asked, apparently in possession of Cas' trait of reading Dean very easily.  
  
Dean wished he were a little more mysterious, it felt like everyone could read him like a book. "Sorta wish things were different," he shrugged.  
  
"Like what?"  
  
Dean shook his head. There was no _way_  he was going to talk about his feelings with a stranger. "It's nothing, just glad Cas has you guys."

"Are you quite sure? You can't seem to focus and there is a certain sadness about you."

Dean sighed. He was getting tired and he was sure his mom and Sammy were waiting for him at home. "I'll figure it out."  
  
"He's not pleased," the small boy observed, looking past Dean's shoulder. Before Dean could turn to see what it was, Samandriel dropped his voice to a whisper again, "Castiel. He heard the last part of our conversation. He's displeased that you are acting so strangely. Lucifer is currently trying to lighten his mood."  
  
Dean was getting so frustrated and he knows... God does he _know_ it's all his fault anyways and he doesn't deserve to have Cas or celebrate his birthday, but he'd have liked his one day to go smooth. He would have _l_ _oved_  to not ruin things. Not like that's ever going to fucking happen.

"I need to use the restroom," Dean mumbled and got up to leave the room quickly.  
  
"Alfie, what'd you do?" Lucifer asked in a whiny tone.  
  
"I just tried to make conversation. You try talking to him, Lucifer, it's like talking to a wall," the youngest child grumbled.  
  
"You read him easily, didn't you? Dean feels vulnerable when people can do that," Cas explained quietly. He'd forgotten the way Dean used to react to his own ability to understand the emotions the other boy always tried so hard to conceal.  
  
"Lemme talk to him, baby brother," Lucifer suggested. "Please?"  
  
Cas looked sadly at where Dean had been sitting and nodded silently in agreement. Lucifer leaped off his lap in delight and ran down the hallway, skidding to a stop in front of the restroom.

"Deeeeean," he cooed.  
  
Dean wanted to be alone, he wanted to go home at this point. He didn't say anything, just leaned on the counter and sighed.  
  
Lucifer pulled a bobby pin out of his hair-- one of the few he kept hidden there for special occasions such as this-- and picked the lock of the door. He walked in to see a surprised Dean Winchester, green eyes blown wide in annoyance and shock. "Hi, Dean."  
  
"I want to be alone." Dean knew it was rude, but he didn't have it in him to be anything else.  
  
"I noticed. So did Alfie and Angel," Lucifer said. "Ya know, Angel gets worried about you sometimes. He doesn't like the idea that you're still blaming yourself and whatnot. He's worried about you right now for the same reason."  
  
"It's not like I have anything to say. You and everyone else knows exactly what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling. No offense, but I don't want to talk to you right now," Dean snapped. Deep down, he felt bad, but he wanted time to himself.  
  
"Look, Dean, I don't know you. I don't know what's going on in your head, nor would I care to on a regular basis, but it's upsetting Angel and that's not okay. What the hell is going on and can I help?" Lucifer stood in front of Dean with pleading eyes. He wasn't one to help other people, but his angel was an exception and if talking to this douche bag helped, so be it.  
  
Dean shoved past Lucifer and made his way back to Cas' room. He didn't have to do this; he didn't know Lucifer and at this point he didn't want to. The whole goddamn hospital made him uncomfortable, but he does it for _Cas_. All else be damned.  
  
"Dean Winchester, come back here!" Lucifer scolded loud enough to stop Dean in his tracks. "I don't want you upsetting Angel, come _here_."  
  
"What?!" Dean fumed, turning around to glare at Lucifer.  
  
Strangely enough, the shorter boy was relatively calm. "You're _upsetting_  Castiel. Don't get mad because Alfie has a talent for understanding people right away, don't get mad at me for trying to help. _T_ _ell_ me what the hell is up with you so _maybe_  you can fix it before you make Angel cry."  
  
"Is that what you think? That I'm upset because I'm an open book? I don't want to talk to you or Samandriel, I came here for _Cas_  and he wanted me to meet you and that's fine, but I just want to be with him. Alone. I'm done with everyone trying to fucking fix me and know me within two fucking minutes of knowing me. I'm fine."  
  
"We were going to leave after Alfie talked to you! He's the youngest, he's _curious_  about the boy Angel never shuts up about, okay? Alfie wasn't trying to 'fix you' or whatever, he wanted to learn about you," Lucifer defended his other brother-like friend. "I don't give a damn about you, Winchester, but I'm not okay with you upsetting Angel. He was practically bouncing up and down all day waiting for you. He's not a happy person, but he is... his is when you're here. We're all fucked up in here. Each one of us has a messed up head but you make him look like he has an actual halo."  
  
Dean didn't say anything. It's obvious he's not wanted around here, which made it that much to keep coming back. He was the boy who fucked up Cas' life and that's all he was. He needed to be calm, it's why he left the room in the first place. He needed just a fucking moment to himself to calm down. Of course not. Of course all of Cas' friends hate him. Of course. Right. That's what he deserves.  
  
"I just need a second to calm down, just... give me a moment alone," Dean said without much emotion.  
  
Lucifer watched Dean's shoulders slump: he'd pushed too hard again. "Yeah, okay, fine. Talk to him when you're done," he ordered. Lucifer began walking back down to Castiel's room when he turned around and said quietly enough not to be heard through the wall, but loud enough for Dean, "We don't hate you, ya know. It's kinda hard to hate the Dean that Angel describes so fervently.  
  
Dean didn't believe that, how could he? He nodded, and took a seat on the bench in the hallway without paying much attention to Lucifer.  
  
Lucifer rolled his eyes and walked over to Dean. Standing above him, he began to speak. "His Dean is kind and funny and loves his little brother more than anything, the way I love Angel and Alfie. The Dean he loves supports him and is calm and patient with him. He understands the trials Angel is going through right now and loves him anyway. To people like us, people trapped in here, you're perfect. Don't fuck that up," Lucifer finished and walked into Castiel's room, greeted with silence.  
  
"What happened?" Cas asked hesitantly.  
  
"I'm not sure, baby brother, I'm not sure," Lucifer shook his head.  
  
Dean felt like he lost _again_. Almost every single time he was with Cas, he fucked it up and ruined everything. He didn't understand why Cas loved him or why he'd even still be excited to see him. How can you love someone who ruins everything? Who always hurts you and makes you cry? But Dean didn't deserve to feel any happiness anyways, birthday or not. He'd go in here to make Cas happy. He took a deep breathe and threw on a little smile as he walked inside the silent room.

"Hey."  
  
"Hello, Dean," Castiel greeted him quietly. He didn't miss the way that Dean's smile didn't reach his eyes.  
  
"Hi, Dean," Lucifer and Samandriel said in unison. They exchanged looks with Cas and nodded ever so slightly at him, then left the room quietly to allow the couple their personal space.  
  
Cas lay down and held his arms open to Dean, praying he'd accept the invitation. Dean willingly crawled into Cas' bed and into his arms once his friends had left and closed the door. He wrapped his arms around Cas' middle and rested his head on the warm and bony shoulder.  
  
"Are you angry at them?" Castiel asked into Dean's hair.  
  
He pushed a leg between Dean's, not to be sexual, just get closer to him. Cas' hands rested on Dean's shoulders while the other boy got comfortable on top of him. Dean's body felt safe and warm like a security blanket, but he felt upset at the same time.  
  
Dean shook his head. "No, I'm not. I just got a little... claustrophobic, I guess," he tried to explain himself. It was true, actually, the room felt so small and Dean couldn't breathe right when they were all there on the small bed.  
  
"I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't consider that," Cas whispered guiltily. He'd been so thrilled to see Dean today, he'd forgotten that his boyfriend didn't like enclosed spaces. "There's something else though," he pried.  
  
Dean was silent for a moment, not sure if he should say. "Promise me not to get upset, Cas, you gotta just hear me out and then we can go back to kissing, alright?"  
  
Castiel cocked his head to the side, his hair scratching across his pillow. "Sure, moje jediná," he said uncertainly.  
  
"I just wanted today to go smoothly and I ruined it again," Dean admitted, his words coated in apology and sadness.  
  
Worry creased Castiel's brow and he felt his heart sink. "You didn't ruin anything, my love."  
  
"I didn't?" Dean asked. He was shocked to hear that. He figured that since Cas hadn't been happy because he was acting weirdly, that Cas would be angry and maybe even blame the downwards spiral of the day on him.  
  
"No, of course not," Cas said. He bit his lip and closed his eyes. "Why would you think that?"  
  
"I don't know, I just... Samandriel said you were unhappy before I left and... Lucifer said you were upset."  
  
"Samandriel knew I was upset that you seemed to not like him. He's my friend and I found it unfortunate that you didn't appear to be getting along. One of his talents is understanding people even better than I do, don't begrudge him for it. Lucifer knows I was upset about the shift in your demeanor when he and Samandriel walked in," Castiel explained in the silence. "I was worried about you and then you stormed out and I didn't know what to do."  
  
"I do like him, he's kinda like you," Dean smiled a little. "Lucifer seems to hate me though. It makes me uncomfortable, but, I'm not leaving until they kick me out, okay?"  
  
"He likes you as well. You remind him of his older brother, I saw it on his face. Lucifer doesn't like anyone except for Samandriel and me, but he doesn't hate you. He likes the stories I tell about you, the boy you are to me." Cas kissed Dean's neck lightly, like feathers landing on his skin.  
  
"He told me that," Dean smiled as he remembered what Lucifer said.  
  
"He doesn't hate you, I promise. He just worries," Cas said gently.  
  
"Okay, baby," Dean whispered and pulled away to give Cas a little smile.  
  
"Why did you leave earlier?"  
  
"I told you, I felt like I was ruining everything."  
  
"What does leaving solve?"  
  
"Nothing," Dean sighed in defeat.  
  
"Please don't leave."  
  
"Not until they kick me out," Dean said softly and kissed Cas' nose.  
  
"I'm sorry about them. I know you wanted to have a good day," Cas whispered.  
  
"It's okay, I still have you," Dean whispered back. "And there's still tonight," he smirked.  
  
"I don't understand," Castiel said and cocked his head.  
  
It never occurred to Dean that maybe Cas wouldn't like what he was planning and he should fill him in. Or maybe just not do it.

"It's nothing," he blushed slightly.  
  
"It's obviously something when you suggested it in the first place," Cas replied, kissing Dean's jaw.  
  
"You might not want to."  
  
"It's your birthday, anything you want," Cas said. "You don't have to tell me what it is if you don't want to."  
  
Dean looked at Cas for a moment, wishing Cas could just read his mind like he always seemed to do.  
  
"Nothing, just have your phone," Dean directed before leaning in to kiss Cas.  
  
"Okay, Dean."  
  
"I miss you," Dean sighed and bumped his nose against Cas'.  
  
"I'm right here," Cas whispered.  
  
"But when I'm not with you, like the past few days."  
  
"I miss you too," he whimpered. Castiel loathed being separated from Dean above anything else and being reminded of the pain wasn't fun.  
  
Dean kissed Cas with the gentleness of a light breeze against his lips. "Do I have to ask someone about our little date?"  
  
"For the garden?" Castiel asked, intrigued again. "No, just visiting hours I think. I have to tell Meg where we're going."  
  
Dean smiled softly. "Good, I'll bring all your favorites."  
  
"Really?" Cas asked excitedly. He reveled in the idea of going on a date with Dean, even if it was just to the garden he had already visited every day since he had gotten to the hospital.  
  
"Of course," Dean smiled and ran his fingers through Cas' hair. Cas grabbed the back of Dean's neck and pulled him in for a kiss.  
  
 _'He abandoned you earlier, Asstiel. Why do you always go back to him?'_  
  
 _'Shut up,'_ Cas thought, trying to remain in the moment with Dean.  
  
 _'Make us.'_  
  
 _'Just let me be happy for once!'_ Cas retorted in his head. There was only silence following, bringing a smile to Castiel's lips as he kissed his boyfriend.  
  
Dean kissed Cas softly, arms holding him around his neck as much as he could without choking the other boy. Cas pushed his tongue questioningly against Dean's lips until he open up to him and Castiel hummed victoriously while his tongue prodded along the inside of Dean's warm mouth. Letting out a quiet noise, Dean began gently rubbing Cas' shoulders as they kissed. Their hearts beat in unison, Castiel's own heart roaring like the ocean in his ears, each beat a wave crashing on the beach. His breath grew shallow as he delved deeper in Dean's mouth and pulled his head closer to slot their mouths together. One of Dean's legs were pushed between Cas', but as they kissed, he moved to straddle his waist. He tilted his head just slightly, moaning very softly. Castiel hungrily swallowed Dean's noises of pleasure. His hands slid down Dean's back until they were resting on his hips and his thumbs dug into the shallow indents of his pelvic bone. Dean was enjoying this so much, and unlike last time, he wasn't very embarrassed about how Cas became more dominant than he did during their more... intimate moments. He also wasn't bothered by Cas not becoming hard anymore, he could hear and feel Cas' body reacting to him in different ways. 

He ground his hips against his boyfriend's, his cock already on it's way to full hardness. Butterflies were released in Cas' stomach with pride at being the cause of the situation in Dean's pants that. He slipped the tips of his fingers under Dean's rumpled shirt and traced patterns on his heated skin. Cas' blunt nails dragged thin red lines along the plain of the blond's back. Dean pulled away from the kiss to breathe out a moan and started kissing along Cas' jaw. The skin was hot, especially against his already warm, open mouthed kisses. A whimper escaped Castiel's mouth as his mouth met cool air and his jaw was warmed by Dean's lips and tongue. His skin tingles wherever Dean kissed it, making Cas' toes curl in his socks. He dipped his head down to kiss along his neck, sucking marks in the skin as he went along.  
  
"Aaaaaah, Dean," Cas moaned, biting his lip to keep himself at a quieter volume. He liked the way Dean was claiming him and marking him as his own.  
  
Dean kissed his way up to Cas' ear. "Want me to close the door?" he whispered before gently biting on his earlobe.  
  
"Y-yes." Dean stood and closed the door, then walked back to Castiel's bed and lay down on top of him, fitting himself to Castiel's body again.  
  
Dean immediately went back to kissing Cas, rocking his hips against his boyfriend's. Their tongues poked around behind each other's teeth, saliva mixing with whimpers. Castiel ran his fingers through Dean's hair and grabbed it tightly as his other hand dug into Dean's hip. The older boy ran his hands down Cas' sides to go under his shirt, pulling it up to expose more skin his could touch and kiss. He felt until he got to one of his nipples, twisting it between his fingers. Dean's mouth muffled Cas's whimper of pleasure with his prodding tongue. Cas' nipple was hard between Dean's fingers and his teeth grazed the upside of Dean's tongue in response, earning a hum as a reply as Dean continued to pinch and twist his nipple as he grinded against Cas. Catching Dean's bottom lip between his teeth, Cas sucked on it as he moved his hand from Dean's waist to cupping his erection between their bodies. His hand gently squeezed, making Dean drop a whine on his tongue. Dean pulled away from the kiss to start sucking and kissing the other side of Cas' neck, moaning gently as his cock was being touched. The lips on Cas' neck felt burning hot, but in a delicious way, making Cas bite his lip to quiet himself as he worked his hand a notch firmer against Dean. Dean let out a quiet whimper at the touch, arched his back as his head raise up in the air, and stilled his other movements for a moment as he focused on bucking into Cas' hand. 

Castiel watched as Dean came undone. His freckled eyelids fluttered over lustful green eyes that were mostly black with arousal, and his biceps shook as he held himself up by his elbows, the curves and valleys of golden skin quaking with effort and horomones. His breath came in ragged pants, seeping heated air into the emptiness above them. Small moans were tumbling from Dean's full, parted lips as Cas slid his hand up along the denim of Dean's pants and down between the pants and underwear. On the palm of his hand, he could feel a wet spot of precum through the thin fabric. He massaged his hand over the spot just to watch Dean's lips part even widen as his moans blurred into heavy pants.  
  
"Cas," Dean breathed with his eyes closed. "Let me... can I take off my jeans?" he asked in a breathy voice, eyes barely opening to look down into a sea of blue.  
  
"Not safe now," Cas panted desperately. He wanted Dean to be naked, let Cas pleasure him, but it was too risky right now.  
  
"Fuck," Dean groaned and dropped his forehead onto Cas'. "Think we can... continue tonight?" he asked quietly, still panting. He didn't plan this, he had actually start hoping he didn't have to resort to sexting or phone sex. Instead, he would have to settle for words delivered to him electronically and his own hand.  
  
Castiel bent his neck to a 45 degree angle in question again. "I don't understand what you're asking, Dean."  
  
"Phone sex?" Dean blushed at saying the words out loud. "Or... sexting?"  
  
"I don't know what those words mean."  
  
"O-oh..." Dean stuttered, blushing even more. "Well, never mind."  
  
Dean's blush wiped his freckles away like an eraser on a dusty chalkboard. "Dean, tell me." Cas reached a hand up to wipe a drop of saliva that was in the corner of Dean's well-kissed lips.  
  
"Sexting is just... I guess sending pictures and dirty texts, you know? Saying how you're getting yourself off or what you'd like to do to the other person... and... phone sex is the same thing without the pictures, we'd just be talking on the phone." Dean was blushing so hard he thought his face would burn off.  
  
"I wouldn't know how to do that, mé srdce, but I'm willing to learn for you," Cas smiled in what he hoped was an encouraging and reassuring manner.

Dean's blush was making laughter bubble in Cas' stomach, but he didn't want to embarrass his best friend further, so he bit his lip and waited for the boy on top of him to say something. The humiliated boy nodded and sighed a little. He didn't want to embarrass himself anymore, he was already feeling uncomfortable and awkward, so he didn't say anything else.  
  
"Dean?" Cas waited until Dean looked at him again. "I'm sorry, I've just never done those things before. I will for you. Please don't be upset." He worried his lip between his teeth and stared at Dean with wide eyes.  
  
"No, no," Dean shook his head and kissed Cas over and over until the brunet was smiling again. He smiled back and gave him one more kiss. "I feel awkward about explaining it, I'm not upset baby."  
  
"Are you sure?" Cas asked quietly, still not able to take the smile off his face.  
  
Dean nodded and bumped his nose against Cas', one of his favorite things they did. Picking up on the hint, Cas brushed his nose against Dean's in an Eskimo kiss.

"Okay," he breathed. "How was school today?"  
  
"Good, got out of a homework assignment, got some extra money... and Sammy, um..." Dean smiled to himself as he reminisced to that morning. "He made me breakfast and stuff, which was nice, you know?" he cleared his throat to rid the unwanted emotions. "And mom should be home later and we're gonna go out for dinner."  
  
"That sounds like a nice birthday," Cas said with a grin. He raked his fingers through Dean's hair and kissed his nose. "What's wrong though?"  
  
"What do you mean?" Dean asked quietly.  
  
"You paused. Something's wrong."  
  
"It's just... Dad used to do that..." Dean said very quietly.  
  
Castiel can't think of anything to say as a sinking feeling settles in his stomach.   
  
 _'Shouldn't've asked, Cassie. You fucked up now. He might even cry... that'd be fun, wouldn't it?'_  
  
Cas rubbed their noses together again in an effort to replace some of Dean's pain with love. Dean tried to focus on only Cas; he knew whatever emotions he showed, his boyfriend would pick up on them and this one... well crying in front of him seems like a bad idea. Wanting to warm Dean with what ever body he could produce, Cas gently shifted Dean's elbows away from the mattress, forcing the older boy to lay completely on him like a blanket of sorrow. He continued to run one hand through Dean's hair while the other glided up and down his back in a calming repetition. Dean hummed softly as he got himself comfortable, arms coming up to try and hold Cas as much as possible. He loved when Cas took care of him, it made him feel better than he had in a long time. Protected, loved, even. Around Castiel's still-bony shoulders, Dean's calloused hands felt strong over the white hospital clothes. Castiel pressed his face into the blond hair he thoroughly enjoyed pulling. Cas' breaths came out in warm puffs, then turned into a hummed song, their Kansas song.


	9. The Leather Bracelet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BASICALLY... this took me about a month or so to actually post, and I'm so sorry to have deprived you guys. Umm, enjoy, have fun reading. My apologies if the chapter is too short for your liking, AP classes have been intense...

Dean listened to the song quietly, closing his eyes and smiling as he nuzzled against Cas' shoulder. "Thank you," he whispered when Cas was done humming.  
  
"Of course, my love," Cas replied.

He continued to stroke Dean's back and comb a hand through his hair. The sunlight from the window streaked lines over their bodies, illuminating the dust practicals that floated through the air. Castiel watched them flit through the invisible space as though the small spots were performing an unorganized dance to a beat only they were aware of. Thoughts began to form in Castiel's mind that entertained the concept that he and Dean were made of stardust.  
  
"I love you," Dean said after a moment,scattering the thoughts in Cas's head like the dust specks the blue-eyed boy had been studying.  
  
"Thank you for doing so," Castiel whispered.  
  
"You're supposed to say you love me back," Dean smiled.  
  
"But I _am_  thankful that you love me. I've only ever wanted your love," Castiel said in a hushed tone, like he was telling a secret. "I've never wanted for food, nor shelter, only for you... and now I have you and I'm thankful."  
  
Dean cupped Cas' cheek and looked at him for a moment. He smiled softly and kissed his nose, making Cas scrunched his nose up at the lips on it. "I love you too," he gave Dean what he wanted with a small smile.  
  
Dean kissed his nose again, hoping to see him scrunch his nose again because it was actually really cute in Dean's opinion. Castiel was true to the original reaction and wrinkled his nose again at the kiss, making Dean laugh.

"I don't understand, why are you laughing?"  
  
"It's cute when you scrunch your nose up," Dean smirked.  
  
"It's... cute?" Cas asked, doing it again and crossing his eyes to see it. "I don't understand why it's cute."  
  
Dean couldn't help the laugh at how strange his boyfriend was. "You're adorable, baby."  
  
Cas uncrossed his eyes and looked inquisitively at Dean. "So are you," he responded after sweeping his gaze over the taller boy's face.  
  
"No, not really," Dean shrugged.  
  
"Would you prefer the term 'gorgeous'?" Cas asked.

He reached up to trace Dean's strong jawline and his angular nose. His fingertips skimmed lightly over the golden skin and bronze freckles that covered the expanse of the face that lit up Castiel's world. Dean blushed at Cas' words and shook his head as Cas' fingers trailed over his plump, pink lips and then over his eyebrows.  
  
"Perfect?" Cas tested out.  
  
"Cut it out," Dean mumbled, cheeks turning red with embarrassment.  
  
"You are though," Cas his head and kissed Dean's cheek. "If you'd've ever paid attention in art class, your face fits the Mask of Divine Proportion."  
  
Dean blushed even more at the comment, but he was curious as to what that even meant. "I... I didn't pay attention," he said as he stared at Cas.  
  
"So I've noticed," Cas retorted without missing a beat. He continuously ran his fingers along all the curves and edges of Dean's face in silent enjoyment.  
  
"So what does it mean?" Dean whispered as he closed his eyes at the feel of Cas' hands on his face.  
  
"When Da Vinci was alive, he created mathematical dimensions for the utmost perfect face. He used it when he drew the perfect male. Recent;y, a plastic surgeon created a mask out of the numbers Da Vinci came up with to show the proportions of the perfect human face structure," Cas explained, his thumbs running over Dean's eyebrows and temples as he spoke.  
  
"And... you think my face looks like that?" Dean asked.  
  
"Yes," Cas said with conviction. "I'm very certain of it. I can never one hundred percent know unless I take your measurements, but I'm fairly sure." He brushed his fingertips along Dean's cheekbones and the ridge of his nose as he thought aloud.  
  
Dean had started blushing again. God, Cas was serious about this... Cas thought he was perfect, but that was absolutely crazy, right? Or maybe it wasn't. Being perfect in his boyfriend's eyes was something Dean never thought he would be. 

"And I like when you blush. It's like you have roses on your cheeks," Cas chuckled.  
  
Dean nudged him playfully. "C'mon, Cas."  
  
"Go on where?" Cas questioned. Dean was blushing even more now and Castiel found it delightful. "Beautiful," he whispered without thinking.  
  
Dean rolled off of his friend, landed on the mattress next to him, and pulled the covers up over his cheeks so only his eyes were showing. "There," he mumbled.  
  
"Still beautiful," Cas shrugged.

He examined Dean's eyes, kaleidoscopes of different shades green, like a forest set in sea glass. Dean apparently grew more comfortable with the staring contest and showed it by staring right back into Cas' blue eyes. Cas tilted his head up and gently kissed Dean's forehead, making Dean close his eyes and produce a little smile before he pulled the covers down to show his nose, keeping his lips and chin still hidden. His freckled nose tempted Cas's lips onto it, kissing spotted patterns over the stars in his skin. As the kisses multiplied, Dean reached out to take one of Cas' hands to tangle their fingers together.  
  
"Happy birthday, Dean," Castiel brushed his lips across Dean's knuckles. He knew he'd said it already, but he liked saying it, reminding Dean that it was his day.  
  
Dean smiled as he kissed Cas. "Thank you, Cas."  
  
"You're very welcome," he said with joy.

Cas loved watching Dean smile. He loved the way the muscles in his cheeks pulled up and how his lips stretched into the shape of a crescent moon.  
  
Dean simply started at Cas, a small smile on his face as he did. He was truly beautiful, his eyes were so purely _blue_  that it reminded him of the waters somewhere at a far away vacation only to happen in the fantasy world of his imagination.  
  
Cas chewed on his lip before asking a question in a timid voice a question that preyed on his mind constantly. "Dean, why do you love me?"  
  
Dean hardly heard him, but he already knew the answer. He opened his mouth to reply when his phone went off. "Sorry," he mumbled.

Dean crawled off of Castiel's bed, taking his warmth with him. An annoyed Cas watched as Dean answered the phone and could hear from the short distance they were apart the muffles sound of Dean's mom and Sam singing "Happy Birthday" before Dean could even greet them. A smile blessed Cas' lips as Dean laughed and thanked them.

"Think you can make it home before dinner? I have a surprise," a female voice from the phone asked.

"Yeah, of course, Mom," Dean smiled before saying goodbye and hanging up.

"You seem happy," Cas said.  
  
Dean nodded and crawled back into bed with Cas. "Mom and Sammy sang 'Happy Birthday'."  
  
"That's good," Cas said as he wrapped his arm around Dean's waist  and snuggled against him.  
  
Dean hummed and wrapped his arms around Cas' shoulder.  
  
"I'm glad that you're here. I missed your birthday last year and I was really disappointed," Cas whispered into Dean's shoulder.  
  
"Well, you're not allowed to miss any more of them," Dean teased and kissed his temple.  
  
"I'm very okay with that," the younger boy nodded against him, loving the feeling of Dean's lips on his cheek.  
  
Dean rubbed his back and hummed. "What do you do for school in here?" He asked curiously.  
  
"I don't. I have to makeup my schoolwork when I get out," Cas shrugged with his words.  
  
"Do you wanna... maybe study together or something?"  
  
"Could we?" Castiel lit up. He'd missed studying, so he'd been memorizing lore on Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.  
  
"On our date? We could make it an all-day thing," Dean grinned. It would make a great way to spend at least one day of his birthday weekend.  
  
"Yes, that'd be fantastic," Cas smiled widely, kissing Dean's own smile with passion. Dean hummed against his lips and kissed back. Castiel raked his fingers through Dean's hair and trailed his fingers down the back of his neck.  
  
"What do you wanna study on our date?" It was such a weird thing to ask, Dean thought to himself, but it was _Cas_. So that pretty much justified everything.  
  
"What do you need to learn for school right now?" Cas asked, biting his lip. He looked at Dean with wide eyes and a smile playing at the corners of his mouth.  
  
"Everything," he mumbled miserably. "I'll just bring my homework and textbooks, okay?'  
  
"We can do that," the brunet affirmed happily. Not only did he get to go on a picnic with his Dean, he got to learn new things with him.  
  
Dean loved to see Cas smile, it was something he lived for, but now he really needed to get home, even though he wanted to spend all his time with his perfect boyfriend. "Baby, I think my mom wants me home soon."  
  
Cas felt a shift in his own demeanor. He'd known the whole hour that Dean had been there that he had to leave soon, but Castiel had been so _lonely_. "Okay," he nodded and cuddled closer to his friend.  
  
Dean rubbed his back and kissed his forehead. "Text me, okay? I know it's not the same, but..."  
  
"Yeah, okay," Cas whispered. He tilted his head up and kissed Dean's lips slowly and chastely.  
  
Dean kissed back before pulling away slowly. "I hate being away from you," he whispered.  
  
"I know, I hate it too," Cas whimpered sadly. He didn't want Dean to leave again.

"We're still on for our date, yeah?"   
  
"Anything for you, Dean," Cas said.  
  
"Just wanna spend some more time with you," Dean whispered.  
  
"As you wish," the brunet assured.

Dean began walking to the door of Castiel's room, but the smaller boy jumped up and wrapped his arms around his neck, dragging him down for a kiss once more. Dean hummed and kissed Cas back, arms wrapping around his waist to pull him even closer. Cas smiled against Dean's lips and sighed happily. He was extremely glad to have his boyfriend in his arms and against his body, he'd missed him so much. Dean rested his forehead against Cas' as he held him close. He didn't want to leave his friend-- it was too hard to just walk out. He gave Cas a few quick kisses, rubbing his back.  
  
"Go," Cas whispered, despite the pain he felt in his chest.  
  
Castiel bit his lip and sat back down on the bed when he remembered Dean's bracelet hidden beneath his pillow.   
  
 _'He's not gonna like it, it's really stupid, angel face. Might as well not embarrass yourself.'_  
  
The brunet swallowed hard and scrunched his eyes shut, balling his hands up in the sheets. Before he could convince himself he shouldn't, Cas reached under his pillow and pulled out the bracelet he'd made for Dean. "Here," he mumbled shyly. "Happy birthday." Cas thrust it out to Dean.  
  
Dean stared at the object in Cas' hand for a moment. Did... did Cas make him a bracelet? His eyes probably showed too much emotion as he took it from the pale hands and then examined the dark leather and engraved numbers in his own hands. He looked down at it fondly, smiling just a little. He looked at Cas who was battling things within himself that would have managed to break Dean long ago, Cas who accepted him back into his life without question, Cas who loved him without rhyme or reason because Dean didn't deserve it.

"Cas, I..." Dean looked up at him with a soft smile. "I love it, thank you, baby."  
  
"Y-you do?" Cas asked, amazed as he looked up from his lap. His stomach was in knots from being anxious about giving Dean his gift and Cas was certain he was about to throw up because of it.  
  
"I really, _really_ do," Dean nodded and slid it on his wrist. He never wanted to take it off, always wanting to feel like his boyfriend was right there with him. He stared at it for another moment before looking at Cas with a smile again.  
  
Castiel breathed a deep sigh of relief. "I'm so glad," he whispered. "I was very afraid that you wouldn't appreciate it." He stood up and threw his arms around Dean again and buried his face in Dean's shoulder.  
  
Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and held him close. "I'll always appreciate anything you do for me," he whispered softly.  
  
Cas felt his heart swell and he grinned happily against Dean. "Thank you," he sang quietly. He liked the way the bracelet looked on Dean. The way the cords lay loosely on his tan skin was strangely appeasing to Castiel's eyes.  
  
Dean kissed his temple before pulling away from him reluctantly. He hated leaving Cas, it was just too painful for him to deal with sometimes, especially on days like today. "I'll text you when I get home, okay?"  
  
Cas nodded his head in agreement, a miniature smile on his face. He was thrilled that Dean liked the present that he'd been so worried about. "Okay, kasih-ku," Castiel replied unhappily, but happier than he had been minutes ago.  
  
"What does that mean?" Dean asked curiously.  
  
"It's Indonesian for 'my love'," Cas whispered.  
  
"And Jo misses you, I'll call you so you two can talk," Dean grinned as he backed into the doorway.  
  
"I don't think humans can communicate with animals, Dean."  
  
"I talk to her all the time," Dean shrugged.  
  
"Does she talk back?"  
  
"She does make faces at me sometimes, but mostly, she meows back," Dean grinned.  
  
"Good, because if she talked back, you belong in here with me," Cas teased, his lips crooking up at one corner in a lopsided smile.  
  
Dean grinned at Cas, unable to help the laugh that came out of him. "In that case, she talks all the time," he winked.  
  
"I wouldn't mind if you were admitted here," Cas blushed. "Although, people may begin to talk about you."  
  
Dean frowned a little. "I'll call you tonight and ask you about that, okay?" He gave his boyfriend a soft smile. "Thank you for my present, baby."  
  
Cas's face mimicked Dean's former frown. He didn't understand why exactly the older boy was making that face to begin with. "You're very welcome," Cas blushed.  
  
"I love you," Dean smiled a little.  
  
"And I, you." Castiel forced himself to stay where he was standing, even back up until he was sitting on his bed, because otherwise, he would hold Dean and not let him go. His hands gripped the sheets to keep himself grounded. "Go, have fun," Cas encouraged.  
  
"I'll never have too much fun without you," Dean smiled, waving goodbye to Cas. "Talk to you later baby," he said as he started to walk away with one last look at his boyfriend.  
  
"Bye," Cas whispered.

He knew that Dean couldn't hear him for he had walked out of hearing range, but Castiel knew Dean could still read his lips. Longing made Castiel's heart ache as he watched his best friend walk away, his bowlegged walk utterly charming. Cas got up to shut the door, then collapsed back on his bed and drew his knees up to his chest until he was in a fetal position. The brunet missed Dean far too much already. A tear rolled down his cheek and onto the white sheets. This place-- this horrible place-- was keeping him from Dean. Anger bubbled up in his chest, but it just as soon deflated as Castiel remembered that this place was to help him be okay for Dean. They would be together again eventually.

* * *

  
Dean found himself tearing up, idly playing with the bracelet on his arm. He'd been missing Cas so much, wondering when he'd be able to invite him over or see him outside of the hospital at all. With a shaky sigh, he walked out to his car and got in, taking a few deep breaths before driving away.  
  
Dean spent the evening with his family. Jo the kitten occupied in his room while the humans went out for a while. They enjoyed themselves and Jess came with them, which was bittersweet for him. It made him miss Cas even more, but he really did like her. She was good with Sam and she even understood Dean sometimes. Dean was happy the entire time, eating his favorite burgers and stealing fries of off Sammy's plate. It was a good dinner.

When they got home, Jess left and the remaining Winchesters went inside to lounge on the couch and relax. His eyes were closing as the sun went down, but there was a quiet "Happy Birthday, Dean" from his mom. He opened his eyes to see her standing there with a picture in her hands. She handed it to a sleepy Dean, who rubbed his eyes to see a framed photo of his family. All of them.

"Mom..." He smiled up to her, "I love it." He stood up to hug her, holding onto the picture.

* * *

Within minutes of Dean's departure, Cas was sleeping again. He was dreaming of Dean and when they were older. Kids were there. So was Sam and his little girlfriend, Jess. It was blurry, but it was perfect.

"Angel fish, wake up," Lucifer cooed. He'd climbed into bed with Castiel and curled himself behind him. Samandriel lay on top of Castiel like a blanket. "Wakey-wakey, eggs 'n bakey."  
  
"G'off," Cas mumbled.  
  
"No, wake up! Long time no spooning, eh?" Lucifer teased.  
  
Castiel snuggled into his chest, eager for any human warmth. "Why do I hafta get up?" he whined.  
  
"Dinner time, angel fish."

An hour later, Castiel sat alone on his bed, tracing lines on his sheets with his finger for no real reason. His phone pinged on his nightstand and he reached over to get it. Dean's message flashed on the screen.

_Hey baby DW_

_Hello, Dean. CN_

 


	10. Phone Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S BEEN SO LONG AND I'M SO SORRY, GUYS  
> I've had a lot on my plate and every time I manage to make time to work on this, I get interrupted. My deepest and most sincere apologies, friends. This chapter isn't long, but it's something. I'm not particularly a fan of it, but if you enjoy it, great!
> 
> x

_Hello, Dean. CN_  
  
 _You okay? DW_  
  
 _Yes. Why do you ask? CN_  
  
 _Just making sure. Do you ever get a weird feeling when you think I'm in trouble or upset? DW_  
  
 _'Premonition' is the word you're looking for. CN_  
 _And yes. CN_  
  
 _I just feel like you're a little upset DW_  
  
 _I miss you. I don't like being lonely. CN_  
  
 _I'm sorry, Cas DW_  
 _Why don't you spend the night with Lucifer and Samandriel? DW_  
  
 _I know. You are not at fault, it's okay. CN_  
 _They aren't you. CN_  
  
 _I know but do you think it'll help a little? DW_  
  
 _They came to wake me up an hour ago. Samandriel's asleep in his room and Lucifer's whereabouts are unknown to me. CN_  
  
 _Is there anyone else? DW_  
  
 _Not really. CN_  
 _Why did you want to talk to me tonight? CN_  
  
 _Because I always miss you, Cas. Especially at night and I thought you'd want to. DW_  
  
 _Why at night? CN_  
  
 _I always think about how I'd spend the night at your house DW_  
  
 _Those were my favorite nights. CN_  
  
 _Mine too DW_  
  
 _Can we do those again? CN_  
  
 _Of course DW_  
  
 _Star gazing and everything? CN_  
  
 _Absolutely DW_  
 _And you can tell me what I'm looking at DW_  
  
 _Like always. CN_  
 _Honestly, I don't understand why you don't know the stars. They're fascinating. CN_  
  
 _Cause I got you to tell me about 'em DW_  
  
 _I don't mind. CN_  
  
 _I like to listen to you talk about them DW_  
  
 _I like that you aren't bothered by that. Everyone says it's annoying. CN_  
  
 _Really? I'd listen to you talk about anything. Especially if you get excited by it._  One of my favorite things DW

_I'd tell you about everything in the universe if we had time and it made you happy. CN_

_Thank you. That truly means a lot to me. DW_   
_Good, cause I mean it. DW_   
  
_You always do, Dean. You're kind in that way. CN_   
  
_Hey Cas? DW_   
  
_Yes, Dean? CN_   
  
_What did you mean earlier when you said people would talk about me if I were admitted? DW_   
  
_They would say the same things about you that they do about everyone here. CN_   
_They would call you names and make up stories about how you got here, among other things. CN_   
  
_Is that what they do to you? DW_   
  
_That's not something you should concern yourself with, Dean. CN_   
  
_Don't make me do something stupid, Cas. Just answer my question. DW_   
  
_Why would you do something stupid? CN_   
  
_Because I want to know who's talking shit about my boyfriend. DW_   
  
_I fail to see how that would cause you to do something stupid. CN_   
  
_Because I care about you. Stop avoiding the question. DW_   
  
_Yes, that's what they do to me. CN_   
  
_Who is it? DW_   
  
_Everyone. CN_   
  
_Even Samandriel and Lucifer? DW_   
  
_Not them. They don't count. CN_   
  
_They do it too? DW_   
  
_No. CN_   
  
_Why didn't you tell me? DW_   
  
_You didn't care. CN_   
_I'm not being harsh, it's true. You didn't care when it was happening. CN_   
_By the time you did, I'd grown so used to it that I almost forget it's there. CN_   
  
_Well you'd protect me, right? Stand up for me? DW_   
  
_In a heartbeat. CN_   
  
_I must be in love with you to even be thinking about getting admitted to spend more time with you. DW_   
_The things I do for you. ;) DW_   
  
_Please don't be serious. CN_   
  
_I was earlier. That's crazy, right? When I first said it in your room. DW_   
_Sorry if I'm creeping you out, Cas. DW_   
  
_You're not, I'm just concerned. I don't wish this fate on you. CN_   
  
_I know, it'd be hard, but... I would do it if I had to, you know that, right? DW_   
  
_I know you would. CN_   
  
_Just checking. DW_   
  
_I love you, Dean. Thank you for being so kind to me. CN_   
  
_I love you too. DW_   
  
_Are you okay? CN_   
  
_Jo was basically on my face. Lol sorry. DW_   
_I think she wants to talk to you. DW_   
  
_How do I talk to a cat? CN_   
  
_Like you'd talk to anyone. It's easy, she's very smart. DW_   
  
_But I can't talk to her, I'm texting you. CN_   
  
_Then call me. DW_   
  
_How would that help? CN_   
  
_You're supposed to be the smart one. If you call me you'd be able to talk to both of us. DW_   
  
_Oh. CN_

 

*Ring ring* The phone rang in Castiel's ear after he pressed the call button and waited a few moments. Calling someone, especially Dean, always made his stomach feel like a nest of hornets being picked up and tossed around by a tornado. The anxiety of messing up his speech as he tended to do when he couldn't make his brain work to form words was most likely the main cause of Castiel's nervousness, but he elected to ignore it in favour of trying to keep breathing to actually be able to make an attempt at communication with the green-eyed boy he had been missing so desperately.  
  
Dean smiled as Jo pawed at the phone. "Gimme that," he laughed as he snatched it from under her paws to answer it. "Hello?"  
  
"Hello, Dean," Cas breathed as though he'd been holding his breath all day.  
  
Dean let a smile spread across his face. "You been running a marathon?"  
  
"Even if I was, I'd beat you," Cas teased. He was grinning himself stupid at the soft chuckle on the other end of the line and his heart rate slowly returned to normal at the reassurance that he was not, in fact, a complete and utter failure at human communication.  
  
"I'll let you think that 'cause I'm a good boyfriend," Dean laughed and Jo crawled to settle in his lap.  
  
"Or just a slow runner," Cas threw back. His smile was beginning to hurt his face, but the rush of affection for the voice from the phone kept it there despite the ache that was beginning to burn in his cheeks.  
  
"Don't make me add a race to our date, I don't wanna embarrass you in front of your friends," Dean chuckled and stroked Jo's back gently.  
  
"Why would my friends accompany us on a date?"  
  
"They wouldn't, but what if they see me beat you in a race?" Dean clicked his tongue, practically  _hearing_  Cas' brow crinkle in confusion. "Very embarrassing for you."  
  
"A race would only be embarrassing when I'd have to admit that I'm dating a poor runner," Castiel jibbed. He enjoyed their banter. It made him feel better, lighter.  
  
Dean couldn't help but to laugh. "C'mon, Cas, I'm one of the fastest on my squad and I do track."  
  
"So?" Cas asked with a playful lilt in his voice. "Doesn't mean you're faster than me."  
  
"I guess we'll see on our date," Dean grinned.  
  
"Oh, so now it's officially a competition?" Cas raised an eyebrow even though Dean couldn't see him.  
  
"If you beat me, you better join the track team senior year," Dean chuckled. "But you won't, so..."  
  
"I think I'll stay away from events in which I'm forced to show my bare arms lest I die of heat stroke," Cas laughed before he realized that was an almost insensitive thing to say. He'd grown to comfortable with his scars and was used to seeing them himself, that he sometimes forgot that it wasn't exactly socially acceptable to make jokes about it. "Sorry."  
  
"Hey, it's fine," Dean shrugged. "If you're comfortable with your body, then so am I." He bit his lip at how honest that was, seeing as he wasn't the most honest man to ever walk to earth. Cas always made little passing comments about his scars and Dean was going to have to stop making such a big deal about it. "But by senior year, I was hoping you wouldn't have to hide them anymore."  
  
"I-I want to, it's j-just that I'm only... I'm only comfortable with you seeing them, no one else." Castiel chewed on his bottom lip, running it back and forth between his teeth and kneading it with his tongue. His "people" skills were "rusty", but it got worse as he began to hear the voices growing louder.

 _'Dumbass. He doesn't actually care about your scars.'_  
  
"I know, but track season is pretty far away, you never know," Dean said gently. "Plus what if you don't even have scars by then?"  
  
"They're deep, they'll be there," Cas whispered. He hated that he was so sure about this. "Look, can we forget I said anything?"  
  
"Jo is getting anxious, she wants to talk to you."  
  
A small purring noise came from the speaker on Cas's cellphone and he giggled. "Hello, Jo," he whispered happily.  
  
Dean grinned as Jo climbed all over his face and purred as she tried to to figure out where the voice was coming from. He put Cas on speaker and laid down so he could put the phone on his chest to meet her tiny head.  
  
The purrs became louder as the kitten appeared to wander closer to the phone. "Joooooo," Castiel sang. His voice drew her closer and eventually, she was batting at the phone and gnawing at the corner.  
  
Dean groaned and rubbed her back, trying to calm her down. "I need this phone to talk to your dad, you can't eat it," he laughed.  
  
"Dean, you can't let her eat the phone. Plastic is bad for animals and their digestion," Cas said, sounding alarmed.  
  
"She's just gnawing," Dean reassured Cas. "Don't think her teeth are that strong."  
  
The was a sigh of relief that passed Castiel's lips. "That's better, good, even."  
  
Jo let out a small meow at the phone. "Don't think she was done talking to you."  
  
"You're very talkative, Jo," Cas said. "Loud, too," he grinned after a pause.  
  
She seemed to take that as a compliment as he meowed at the phone. "I guess she knows her dad's voice."  
  
"If I'm her dad, what are you?" Cas directed a question to Dean.  
  
"Her dad," Dean said simply and stroked her back, making her purr. "Do you wanna be called something different? And don't say 'daddy'," he smirked a little.  
  
"I don't understand why 'daddy' would be unacceptable," the brunet said.  
  
"Someone else is going to be calling you that," Dean blushed a little.  
  
Castiel tilted his head as the staticky voice of his Dean and the sound of Jo's purrs wrapped around him like a blanket. "Why would someone else call me daddy?" He asked, completely puzzled. 'Daddy' was a term for a father figure... wasn't it?  
  
"I'll tell you another time," Dean laughed a little. Cas really didn't know about any of his kinks, and though he was still learning, he had quite a few.  
  
"Is there a reason it has to be later instead of now?" Cas asked, very curious now.  
  
"I dunno if you're ready to hear it," Dean answered honestly, taking Cas off of speaker. Jo protested, whining at him. He kissed her nose and she took the hint and leaped off the bed and left the room.  
  
"Why wouldn't I be?" Castiel scowled. He didn't take kindly to someone telling him he wasn't ready for something, that was for _him_ to decide.  
  
Dean laughed again. "Calm down, baby," he smiled. "It's just... maybe I'd be the one calling you 'daddy'. But I assume you don't understand why?" Dean got up to close his door so no one heard him talking to Cas about this.  
  
"You're correct to assume that."  
  
"Do you know what kinks are?" Dean asked after a moment. He was determined not to feel awkward about this, to try to explain as much as he could to Cas.  
  
"Like bondage?" Cas asked almost eagerly, proud to know something on the topic... even if it was the _only_  thing he knew about it, but Dean didn't have to know that.  
  
Dean felt relieved Cas knew that, it was a start. "Yeah, like that. Well... I have a daddy kink." He tried not to get into too much detail, hoping his boyfriend could tell what he meant by what he already said.  
  
"Dean....." Silence followed, a very awkward silence. "Do you have intercourse with people's fathers?"  
  
Dean guaffed at the question and shook his head even though Cas couldn't see him. "No, baby, it means I like to call my... sexual partner 'daddy' and for them to refer to themselves as that."  
  
"That's relieving," Cas breathed, not sure why he'd been holding his breath to begin with. "Why?"  
  
"I dunno," Dean found himself shrugged again. "I just do."  
  
"Is that all a, what was is, _daddy kink_  is?"  
  
"Yeah, I mean, I don't know... Cas, it's something we never have to do."  
  
Cas sat up quickly, alarmed that Dean was becoming timid at his expense. "It's alright, I don't mind it if you like it," he whispered.  
  
"I know, but you don't seem to be into it." Dean knew that if someone didn't like a kink, it wasn't the best idea to try to make them like it.  
  
"I just-- I just don't know how to go about performing this 'kink'," Cas admitted, laying back down and adjusting his sheets.  
  
"It's kind of like roleplaying... Do you know what that is?" Dean could tell his once strong tone had died away and he felt a lot more uncomfortable with all of this.  
  
"Playing a role?" The younger boy suggested teasingly. He could sense the awkward tone in Dean's voice and he wanted to soothe it.  
  
"D-- do you really not know?"  
  
"If I knew, I wouldn't be asking. Honestly, Dean," Cas sighed. "We--we don't have to continue discussing this if you don't want to," he added quickly.  
  
"Okay," Dean said quietly and rolled over in bed.  
  
"I gather that means you wish to discontinue?" Cas asked gently.  
  
"I just wish you knew what I meant," Dean said after a quick moment of silence. "I'm not very good at explaining things."  
  
"You don't have to if you don't want to, but I would be more than willing to listen to any garbled explanation you can give me," Cas said after a moment of thought. "I tend to understand the way you speak."  
  
Dean thought about it for a moment and Cas was right, he did always understand. "So... roleplaying is basically like acting in bed. We both pretend to be someone else."  
  
"Why would we do that?" Cas asked. "Why pretend to be someone else during intercourse?"  
  
"Because it's just... I don't know, it could be really hot, Cas, just have to have an imagination I guess."  
  
"Oookay. So what does that have to do with your daddy kink?"  
  
"Well if you're being... Well... My daddy, then it's kind of like that. Cause you're not my dad."  
  
"How would this happen?"  
  
"Cas?" Dean said after a moment.  
  
"Dean."  
  
"I think you should... find some videos to watch."  
  
"I was planning to, I just.... I like hearing you explain it more. It's easier."  
  
"We can watch together," Dean suggested quietly.  
  
"Why? You already know what it is," Cas pointed out. "I can learn on my own. Or if you'd like to explain it to me, that's be better to understand."  
  
"Okay," Dean took a deep breath and tried to think. "Basically, I'm going to be pretending you're my dad. Maybe we'd start with one of us referring to you as daddy. Like... Maybe you'd say 'do you like when daddy...' You know?"  
  
"Why would you pretend I'm your dad?"  
  
"I..." Dean sighed a little. "I dunno. Never mind." He got up and opened the door to mildly upset looking kitten who had been pawing at the wood of the door for a few minutes. "Sorry Jo," he said softly and picked her up to carry her to the bed with him.  
  
Cas immediately felt bad for asking these questions that made Dean frustrated. "I'm sorry. Please continue explaining, I'll refrain from asking questions."  
  
"It's just a stupid thing I'm into, it's not important."  
  
"It's very important if you like it," Cas whispered, suddenly feeling very small. He'd asked the wrong questions too many times. "Please, continue."  
  
Dean was aware he had to be careful of what to say to Cas, but he was only human. He was getting tired of feeling like his kink was stupid and worrying Cas might not even like it after all of his explaining. "Cas, there's not much else to say. I'm submissive and I like to be dominated, someone being my daddy is just a way of me living that out."  
  
"Then it's a good thing I like to dominate you, Dean. I don't think that really sounds like something I'd enjoy though," Castiel said in a small voice that broke the the silence of his small room. He hoped that his response would help Dean feel better. Cas didn't mean to not understand, he just _didn't_.  
  
"Yeah," was all Dean could get out as Jo looked up at him curiously, as if to ask if he was okay.  
  
"I'm sorry," came a tiny apology from the timid boy, alone in his dark room.  
  
Dean had made Cas feel bad again and he was so tired of always ruining everything. "Cas, I'm sorry. I just... guess I'm tired from the day."  
  
"No, no, Dean, it's not your fault. Don't say you're sorry," Cas almost begged. He chewed on his bottom lip. "I'm sorry today wasn't good here. I was hoping it'd be better, ya know, for your birthday."  
  
"It's just another day," Dean said with a shrug. "Not like anyone did anything to me, it was just me... being a baby."  
  
"It's not just another day. It's the day my very favourite person came to be," Castiel smiled a small smile. "You weren't being a baby."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Dean, are you okay?"  
  
"I just want some sleep."  
  
"Then go to sleep."  
  
"Goodnight, Cas," Dean said after a moment of silence.  
  
"Are you mad at me?" Cas asked. He didn't want either of them to go to bed messed up.  
  
"No," Dean said truthfully because he wasn't mad at Cas, he wasn't really mad at all.  
  
"Okay." A few seconds of silence passed before Cas spoke again. "Goodnight, sweet dreams. I-I love you."  
  
"I love you too," Dean said.  
  
"I don't want to hang up," Castiel whispered.  
  
Dean bit his lip as he closed his eyes. He was exhausted, he just wanted to sleep before he had a chance to think about his day. He didn't want to think about it. But there was Cas who probably needed to stay on a little longer and he didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry... maybe... maybe I can stay up a little longer."  
  
"No, you need to sleep. Can... can we stay on the phone until we both fall asleep?" Cas asked in a hushed, embarrassed tone.  
  
"Okay," Dean whispered and held Jo closer. There was a knock at his door and he looked up to a slightly annoyed Sam who noticed the look on Dean's face and became more concerned, to which Dean shook his head in response.  
  
"Is that alright?" Castiel heard the faint knock, so he lowered his voice even more.  
  
He looked at Sam, knowing he shouldn't avoid the conversation, but... he couldn't have his brother worried about him. Dean waved him away and Sam stood there for a moment before walking away, closing the door behind him. "It's fine."  
  
"Thank you," the dark haired boy whispered. "Goodnight, Dean."  
  
"Goodnight," Dean said quietly.  
  
Minutes later, Dean's steady breathing and Jo's purring lulled Cas to a sleep in which he didn't feel so lonely. Meanwhile, Dean couldn't sleep just yet. He ended up staying up long enough to know that his boyfriend was asleep for the night before he let himself think. It was all his fault, everything. Cas being in the hospital to start with. And from there, all the terrible things he's going through are all because of Dean and the fact that he was an incompetent child capable of nothing but completely demolishing everything he got his grubby hands on. It seemed as though every chance someone got, they made sure he remembered the fact that he was an abomination. And today was... it was supposed to be a good day... everything wasn't supposed to be ruined. But he deserved it. He deserved to feel like he didn't matter today. It was only fair after what he put Cas through. Dean didn't deserve happiness, not really. Looking over to the phone, he hit the mute button so the sleeping boy on the other line couldn't hear him sob alone in the dark. He hoped it was quiet enough so his brother didn't hear and Dean shut his eyes tight, willing the tears to stop. It was just a birthday. It didn't matter. No, he didn't buy that. Thoughts of guilt and regret followed Dean into his nightmares as his exhaustion from crying led him to sleep and the sound of his pounding heart sang in his ears like a lullaby _._


	13. I'm so sorry x Ash

Hey, guys. I hope all of you had a really wonderful Christmas and New Years and that your year is fantastic. I regret to inform you that this fic will be discontinued due to: I feel as though the characterization was very poorly done (both on Zi's and my parts), it has been repeated a thousand times over (not very original), and that it glorifies mental illnesses too much. I myself have the same disorders as Castiel possesses in this story, but I believe I messed up in how I wrote and portrayed them.  
You all have been amazing. Honestly, your comments have gotten me through really bad and stressful days and just thank you so much for staying with me for a little over half a year. I love each of you and please feel free to pop in to my inbox and/or ask for my tumblr URL.  
~peace out~  
x Ash

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been discontinued. It only lasts a few chapters and isn't concluded, so please don't read it unless you are okay with being left wondering what happens x Ash


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